Straight Line of the Day: A New Study Shows Heavy Internet Use Causes Anxiety. The Worst Part of the Internet…

Posted on December 18, 2013 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet…

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91 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: A New Study Shows Heavy Internet Use Causes Anxiety. The Worst Part of the Internet…”

  1. walruskkkch says:

    A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet…

    the cookies aren’t Anonymiss cookies.

  2. walruskkkch says:

    A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet…

    all those anxious NSA staffers.

  3. can of spam says:

    … is COOKIE WITHDRAWAL!!! <– Needs a fix, stat!

  4. can of spam says:

    … is that you can hear about all of the studies, which just increases anxiety.

  5. can of spam says:

    … is that it’s full of liars, con-men, and psychopaths. No, wait, that’s Congress.

  6. Bob B says:

    …is better than the best part of the Obama administration.

  7. can of spam says:

    … is that the men are men, the women are men, and the little kids are FBI agents.

  8. walruskkkch says:

    A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet…

    there isn’t always a “happy ending”.

  9. frogmouth says:

    Difficulty finding porn.

    Difficulty finding political arguments.

    That Nigerian royal family dude has stopped answering my emails.

    Difficulty finding cat memes.

    Something something cookies.

  10. walruskkkch says:

    A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet…

    is that logging on to Obamacare now constitutes heavy internet usage.

  11. walruskkkch says:

    A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet…

    the slums of .gov

  12. Steve H says:

    The worst part of the internet…

    … is that the cure involves actually pushing yourself away from the keyboard and speaking to someone live-and-in-person.

  13. walruskkkch says:

    A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet…

    those annoying pop-up ads from Obama saying you can “keep your plan” blah, blah blah…

  14. DamnCat says:

    …not enough cat videos.

  15. walruskkkch says:

    A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet…

    every time I try to get out it pulls me back in!

  16. DamnCat says:

    frogmouth beat me toit – I hope he gets warts

  17. Steve H says:

    The worst part of the internet…

    … are the studies that ignore the calming effect the internet has on the rest of us.
    … are the folks who remember their screennames but hesitate when they have to actually recall their Given name.
    … is still tons better than having to deal with SOME people face-to-face.

  18. Steve H says:

    The worst part of the internet…

    … is that Walrus now has a sugar addiction that evidently requires intense suck-up to satisfy. (Dude – Has the shaking stopped?)

  19. walruskkkch says:

    A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet…

    one word, “Smell-o-Vision”.

  20. walruskkkch says:

    @18 No,and I think I’m beginning to rattle as well.

  21. rodney dill says:

    Hamster Dance

  22. rodney dill says:

    …everything’s all sh@ts and giggles until the NSA is at your door asking why you hacked into their site.

  23. can of spam says:

    … all of those 80′s music videos that made you cringe? You can still accidentally stumble across them on YouTube.

  24. rodney dill says:

    spam spam spam spam
    spam spam spam spam

  25. can of spam says:

    @24: You rang?

  26. rodney dill says:

    …trying to find anything while using the word “free” in the search.

  27. can of spam says:

    .. is that realizing your parents do it it too, and the gross mental images it conjures of imagining them logging in.

  28. rodney dill says:

    @14 – That is actually not that funny coming from anyone else.

  29. rodney dill says:

    …keeping on track with one train of thoug… Oh look… Grumpy Cat…

  30. Burt says:

    …You know when you forget your password that NSA remembers it.

  31. can of spam says:

    … is that according to the messages in my inbox, everyone assumes I’m overweight, in desperate need of a date, and need treatment from impotence. (And that’s just messages from family!)

  32. can of spam says:

    … is that no matter how twisted and warped of a sexual fantasy you can dream up, there’s someone on Craigslist who will gladly sign on to it.

  33. can of spam says:

    … is that its ability to communicate to pretty much anyone and anywhere at will takes away from the pleasant, calming, life-enhancing experience of visiting your local U.S. Postal Service office.

    (This comment sponsored by the USPS.)

  34. walruskkkch says:

    A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet…

    I gotta pay for it. Damn you Obama! WHERE’S MINE!!!!!!!

  35. HokieGomer says:

    …AlGore.

  36. walruskkkch says:

    A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet…

    they let anyone on it.

  37. HokieGomer says:

    …not enough moon nuking.

  38. walruskkkch says:

    A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet…

    http://youtu.be/60og9gwKh1o

  39. Oppo says:

    … is that people keep updating it, just when you think you’ve jotted down everything on it.

  40. Oppo says:

    … is that the archives of Obama doing or saying whatever it is Jay Carney is currently denying never seem to get thoroughly scrubbed.

  41. walruskkkch says:

    A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet…

    is the

  42. walruskkkch says:

    Well it would have made sense if I could have just displayed the picture.

  43. Oppo says:

    … is that being a noob on any game is like being Janeane Garafolo on IMAO.

  44. rodney dill says:

    earworms

  45. rodney dill says:

    …it must have something to do with the distance between the percussion section and the flutes… ’cause nearly everyone is always complaining about band width.

  46. walruskkkch says:

    @43 Shouldn’t that be

    …IS THAT BEING A NOOB!!!! ON ANY GAME IS LIKE!!!BEINGJANEANE GARAFOLO!!!! ON IMAO!!!!!!!!!!!

  47. rodney dill says:

    …mundane pseudonyms

    …not understanding http colon slash slash slash dot dot org

  48. Burt says:

    …there actually is no ‘net’….Don’t fall!

  49. walruskkkch says:

    A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet…

    is sometimes the best thing about the internet. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=xEYFFiEnUjQ

  50. Oppo says:

    @46: Improvement Bacon to Walrus!

  51. Iowa Jim says:

    . . . is the part that Al Gore invented.

    . . . is the part with the tubes about which Ted Stevens hallucinated

    . . . is the part that pops up nude selfies of Helen Thomas and Michael Moore

  52. Oppo says:

    … two words: “Downloading Ad.”

  53. HokieGomer says:

    …Anonymiss cookie-theiving walruses.

  54. Oppo says:

    … is that just when you’ve perfected your red plaid onesie look, obamacare steals it and ruins it.

  55. walruskkkch says:

    @53 Theiving? THEIVING!!??!! Aside from the spelling, I dare say my honor has been impugned. Shall we say, “Pistols at dawn”?

  56. blarg says:

    …is that once something is said on the internet, it will be referenced as an indisputable fact. Once it’s referenced as an indisputable fact, it will be re-referenced and cross-referenced and self-referenced again and again until the source of the “fact” – some unemployed loser sitting in his mom’s basement and making stuff up is elevated to authoritative status simply by the volume of references to his “fact”.

    …the NSA keeps reading all my posts, but they never click “like”

  57. blarg says:

    @55 Well, we can say it. I don’t know what it means, but we can say it.

  58. blarg says:

    …that feeling that there’s 2-3 people standing right over your shoulder watching everything you do.

    …that in retrospect, giving up any sense of personal privacy in exchange for access to cat videos seems like a really bad deal.

  59. Jimmy says:

    …are the dumbass Javascripts everyone wants to run. Seriously… this isn’t funny… I’m not joking… don’t laugh at this!

  60. blarg says:

    …is the unflinching proof of the axiom “if you give any random person a live microphone capable of broadcasting to the entire world, that most people will choose to say something really really stupid”.

  61. walruskkkch says:

    A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet…

    are sites that won’t let you leave. No matter what you click on you can’t get out. End up having to reboot the damn computer. What do these people expect to achieve? “OH, what a site, I think I’ll bookmark it!”?

  62. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …there’s no app that alerts you that your boss just walked into your cubicle while you’re playing Candy Crush on Facebook.

  63. Dohtimes says:

    …you are one keystroke from making the worst mistake of your life and you just can’t stop yourself, again.

    …you really do get those cookies, but Rick Astley delivers them.

    …is that you completely forget that you are actually a frog in a pot of water.

    …is that stupidity trumps whatever brilliance you just displayed.

    …is 100% of the anxiety is caused by wives and significant others discovering what exactly you use the internet for.

  64. Oppo says:

    (@61 — I’m just glad to know someone else has the same problem and peeve.)

  65. Oppo says:

    … not hearing Frank J’s, Harvey’s, or Basil’s responses, when you know they have a computer and some ideas.

  66. HokieGomer says:

    @ #55…Never bring a Grammar-Hammer to a gunfight.

  67. Oppo says:

    … is one half of a ying-yang thing:

    The best part of the Internet is that you get to see how many people think.
    The worst part of the Internet is that you get to see how many people think.

  68. Oppo says:

    … is that the resolution on 4of7′s artwork is limited by the screen you’re using.

  69. walruskkkch says:

    @66 Never use a grammar argument in a spelling contest.

  70. walruskkkch says:

    A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet…

    is that heavy usage is limited to 24 hours per day.

  71. c64wood says:

    A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet…

    …trolls

    …not enough nudity

    …google

    …toolbars!

  72. Bob B says:

    …are the bursting bubbles and the burn rate…

    …GET OUT OF MY HEAD, Charlie!

    …meme,meme,meme,meme,meme,meme,meme….

  73. Oppo says:

    … is how the NSA has total

  74. walruskkkch says:

    A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet…

    how those ads just seem to know what you were just shopping for.

  75. walruskkkch says:

    A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet…

    being judged and found wanting for cookies.

  76. Oppo says:

    … is how Autocorrect convinced Biden that the foundation of HealthCare.gov is in twerking.

  77. c64wood says:

    …is the 30% duplicity

  78. Karen says:

    … IMAO doesn’t update as often as I refresh the page.

    … Signing hundreds of internet petitions, and we still haven’t nuked the moon.

    … LOLcats X-rated fanfiction.

    … The most brilliant comeback you ever thought of, and it’s lost between spam and poorly worded insults written in all-caps.

  79. Steve H says:

    … years ago I copied the World Wide Web onto a truckload of 5 1/4″ floppy disks. I suspect they are no longer up-to-date. DANG YOU TO HECK AL GORE AND YOUR INTERWEBS !!!

  80. Steve H says:

    (sorry about the profanity)

  81. AT says:

    … forum comments.

  82. frogmouth says:

    Stupid punch line “contests”…

  83. Manolo says:

    A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet is that one can get pretty anxious wondering if the kids will recognize that girl in the video as their mother.

  84. Manolo says:

    A new study shows heavy Internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the Internet is that heavy use also causes hairy palms.

  85. Manolo says:

    A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet is that NSA can remotely turn on a computer’s Web cam so Harry Reid can use Disney.com as a dating site.

  86. Manolo says:

    A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet is that Chinese government has decided that the HealthCare.gov site is a more effective form of torture than bamboo shoots under the fingernails.

  87. Manolo says:

    A new study shows heavy Internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the Internet is that nobody takes seriously studies about the Internet.

  88. Manolo says:

    A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet is that somewhere there’s a legitimate Nigerian prince going mad from having to type, “…BUT I REALLY AM A NIGERIAN PRINCE!!!”

  89. Manolo says:

    A new study shows heavy Internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the Internet is that all it takes is a keyboard for pimply faced, bed wetter liberals to develop textual beer muscles.

  90. RAML says:

    Since I get into these discussions rather late, about 10 ish Everyone has already said everything that can be said about this without being redundant. I need a cookie, an Anonymiss cookie. Pleeeeeze.

  91. walruskkkch says:

    A new study shows heavy internet use causes anxiety. The worst part of the internet…

    is when Anonymiss disappears. I always suspect the NSA at that point.

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