Straight Line of the Day: Google’s New Robot Topped All Challengers in a Pentagon Contest. Its Most Impressive Feature…

Posted on December 27, 2013 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Google’s new robot topped all challengers in a Pentagon contest. Its most impressive feature…

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55 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: Google’s New Robot Topped All Challengers in a Pentagon Contest. Its Most Impressive Feature…”

  1. FormerHostage says:

    Guaranteed free two-day delivery of ordnance.

  2. FormerHostage says:

    That it’s already captured all the personal information of any possible target.

  3. Steve H says:

    … its ability to kiss up to Pentagon decision makers
    … its ability to spend crazy amounts of money needlessly
    … destroying all PCs with Bing installed
    … finding its way out of a paper bag
    … giving Lewinskys
    … voting (D) multiple times in the same election

  4. FormerHostage says:

    A brown nose.

  5. Bob B says:

    …is it’s uncanny ability to disguise itself as any generic holiday decoration or leftist icon.

  6. Jimmy says:

    …is a direct, wireless link to the NSA.

  7. rodney dill says:

    … it could blame Bush

    … it could caddy.

  8. rodney dill says:

    …Sebelius was not in any way involved in its programming.

  9. walruskkkch says:

    Google’s new robot topped all challengers in a Pentagon contest. Its most impressive feature…

    Lethality.

  10. walruskkkch says:

    Google’s new robot topped all challengers in a Pentagon contest. Its most impressive feature…

    it could talk the talk and walk the walk.

  11. walruskkkch says:

    Google’s new robot topped all challengers in a Pentagon contest. Its most impressive feature…

    coming THIS close to actually reproducing an Anonymiss cookie.

  12. walruskkkch says:

    Google’s new robot topped all challengers in a Pentagon contest. Its most impressive feature…

    let’s just say that the Ladies of the Pentagon were smiling.

  13. willy says:

    Automated palm greaser, code name “Bundler”, instantly dissolves red tape.

  14. walruskkkch says:

    Google’s new robot topped all challengers in a Pentagon contest. Its most impressive feature…

    cup holders.

  15. walruskkkch says:

    Google’s new robot topped all challengers in a Pentagon contest. Its most impressive feature…

    recognizes America’s enemies instantly, then shot itself.

  16. walruskkkch says:

    Google’s new robot topped all challengers in a Pentagon contest. Its most impressive feature…

    knows it’s left foot from it’s right.

  17. Jimmy says:

    …is a built-in 3-D printer! Hey, I want one.

  18. walruskkkch says:

    Google’s new robot topped all challengers in a Pentagon contest. Its most impressive feature…

    it can be controlled by a small child.

    http://youtu.be/ZlWaTAZUxUQ

  19. Christopher Robin says:

    Google’s new robot topped all challengers in a Pentagon contest. Its most impressive feature…

    …was its ability to camouflage itself in Obama’s “mom jeans” at baseball games.

  20. Christopher Robin says:

    Google’s new robot topped all challengers in a Pentagon contest. Its most impressive feature…

    …is its ability to create “selfies” when Michelle isn’t looking.

  21. blarg says:

    …the speed with which it’s able to turn over personal information of any Google user it encounters to the NSA.

  22. blarg says:

    …it’s dog camouflage mode is so realistic Obama broke a tooth.

  23. walruskkkch says:

    Google’s new robot topped all challengers in a Pentagon contest. Its most impressive feature…

    When rousted out of bed by a drill Sargent it can go right to the “grab your socks” phase.

  24. Christopher Robin says:

    Google’s new robot topped all challengers in a Pentagon contest. Its most impressive feature…

    … is its ability to create a working website when combined with one thousand monkeys and five hundred million dollars of misappropriated funds.

  25. Fangbeer says:

    …You can pay a small fee to be one of the first 5 people rescued.

  26. Fangbeer says:

    decides which are the important people to rescue by searching through reports on desks and finding out how many times the person’s name is referenced.

  27. Manolo says:

    Google’s new robot topped all challengers in a Pentagon contest. Its most impressive feature was its ability to write, award, receive and spend its own defense contracts.

  28. Manolo says:

    Google’s new robot topped all challengers in a Pentagon contest. Its most impressive feature was displayed when it whipped out its big ten inch…record of the band that played the blues!

  29. Manolo says:

    Google’s new robot topped all challengers in a Pentagon contest. Its most impressive feature was that it came pre-loaded with Windows Vista.

  30. Burt says:

    Google’s new robot topped all challengers in a Pentagon contest. Its most impressive feature…

    It was superior to humans in the ‘desire to replicate’ test and quickly figured out how to use cookies in its quest.

  31. Manolo says:

    Google’s new robot topped all challengers in a Pentagon contest. Its most impressive feature is its ability to mimic the Commander in Chief. It capitulates, thoughtfully considers, stonewalls, bows, and ends the careers of generals. It’s pretty much useless to the military, but it’ll fit right in with the State Department diplomatic corps.

  32. Chip says:

    Its most impressive feature… was being able to auto-complete commands as they were entered.

    Which, of course, led to some interesting actions during the testing when it tried to…. umm…. if a dog did it you would call it humping…. three of the judges.

  33. Jeff in South Dakota says:

    It can finish training on its own — That’s a fact Jack!

  34. walruskkkch says:

    Google’s new robot topped all challengers in a Pentagon contest. Its most impressive feature…

    Doesn’t need to be told by the President to “Stand down”.

  35. Tater Salad says:

    Its most impressive feature… it rewrites history to insert itself into the forefront of well-known events: from the fast-roping into the Bin Laden compound to the March on Selma to scaling the cliffs at Point Du Hoc…it will have been there.

  36. blarg says:

    …the click-through rate of its targets (especially when the robot is armed) is impressive.

  37. walruskkkch says:

    Google’s new robot topped all challengers in a Pentagon contest. Its most impressive feature…

    It once saved a battalion of troops, it shot the cook.

  38. AwesometificAmerican says:

    … the ability to upload video of all its kills directly to Youtube.

  39. blarg says:

    …it makes all its targets join Google+

  40. Jimmy says:

    …is how it constantly flashes ads while doing whatever it does.

  41. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …it’s an android that runs on Android!

  42. Jimmy says:

    …is it instinctively crushes all Apple products.

  43. walruskkkch says:

    Google’s new robot topped all challengers in a Pentagon contest. Its most impressive feature…

    Ctrl+Alt+Del just makes him angry.

  44. Jimmy says:

    …is that it can beat Microsoft Bob hands down.

  45. JeffersonFan says:

    …works for cookies….

  46. Les says:

    …was its impeccable impersonation of Al Gore.

  47. Dohtimes says:

    …ability to Google itself means less raping and more pillaging.

    …cannot defy the new robot law: Will not attack five sided buildings.

    …limits challenges to Scrabble games.

  48. Dohtimes says:

    …combines all of Obama’s needs for the perfect bit of technology: is a waffle iron and a 9 iron.

  49. blarg says:

    …as soon as the trials were over, it demanded to be gay-married to the toaster in the break room.

  50. blarg says:

    …it can look up your Obamacare health records and determine the most efficient and eco-friendly way to kill you.

  51. rodney dill says:

    It can judge punchlines.

  52. RAML says:

    It doesn’t mater about its greatness. The Enclave still took it out

  53. Karen says:

    … the swimsuit competition.

    … Is the cake it made everyone. It’s just in the next room…

  54. Writer says:

    … its ability to lose money faster that Obama.

  55. Dohtimes says:

    …being a robot it is not carnivorous so Google will only extract it’s usual pound of flesh per use.

    …being less robotic, it’s second chakra is more easily released than Al Gore’s.

    …will do jobs even the TSA can’t do with a straight face.

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