I Didn’t Misspell a Word, That Was a Typo, Which Is Completely Different

[High Praise! to Liberal Logic 101]

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“This Time I Will Destroy My Arch-Nemesis… Once and For All!!!”

Movie producer Harvey Weinstein announced that he is making a movie to try to “destroy” the National Rifle Association.

Yeah, good luck with that. Betcha it causes more ammo sales than ticket sales.

[Title reference: there’s no link for this, it’s just my own observation than whenever a bad guy uses the phrase “once and for all” in a movie or TV show, his plan is completely doomed to fail. Just watch for it – you’ll see]

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50 State Stereotypes (According to Google)

From HuffPo

Thanks to the Twitter account @Amazing_Maps, we now have an idea of how the Internet stereotypes all 50 U.S. states. When a search phrase like “Why is Illinois so…” is typed into Google, the search engine autocompletes the sentence with the word that people most commonly write in the search bar next. In this way, Google autocomplete may reveal the deeply held assumptions the public holds about a state.

Actually, if I’m not mistaken about Google’s algorithm, search results become increasingly tailored to the user over time, so this may say at least as much about the user as it does about the search engine.

For example, I got “Why is Wisconsin so cold” as my #1 result. “Liberal” was second.

Anyway, for the record, since I literally wrote the book on state stereotypes, I can state authoritatively that most of this map’s stereotypes are wrong, and most Google users ask stupid questions.

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Link of the Day: Satire – ‘Little Sisters’ Unionize, Seek ObamaCare Exemption

[High Praise! to ScrappleFace]

‘Little Sisters’ Unionize, Seek ObamaCare Exemption

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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Wisdom of the Day: Gavel Discovery Decaf Animals Mentos Mario Revolutionary

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I Don’t HAVE to Do This, You Know…

A new study shows that comedians have high levels of psychotic personality traits.

So, if I ever get sick of IMAO, apparently President of North Korea is always a career option.

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Obama Warned Us – Bipartisanship

Bipartisanship — not for its own sake but to solve problems — that’s what our constituents, the American people, need from us right now. All of us then have a choice to make. We have to choose whether we’re going to be politicians first or partners for progress; whether we’re going to put success at the polls ahead of the lasting success we can achieve together for America.

BARACK OBAMA, remarks to GOP House Issues Conference, Jan. 29, 2010

“Two words – polls, baby!”

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Surprise! You’ve Been Judged!

Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to “Scientists Say Earth’s Magnetic Field Is Collapsing. The Solution…

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email Keln about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, Anonymiss has got another straight line for you to practice on.

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Straight Line of the Day: DHS Plans to X-Ray All Food and Drink at the Super Bowl. Other Preparations…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

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It’s Always Sunny in Washington DC: Barack and Joe Prepare for the State of the Union – Part 3

(Barack, Biden, Hillary and Kerry are in the Oval Office preparing the State of the Union address, and Biden is trying to get Hillary to try his tobacco juice to test it for toxicity)

Hillary: So what do you have so far?

Barack: What do you think of this part right here?  (begins reading) “The Republicans have been accusing me of supporting draconian policies that will force Americans to choose among the dystopian visions depicted in Brave New World or Children of Men or 1984 or Harrison Bergeron.  This is a false choice.  I say, why choose?  With hope and change we can have it all.  To them I say, yes we can!”

Biden: I’m already sleeping, dude.  Already asleep.

Kerry: I’m, like, totally confused, dude.  Like, what state are you even talking about?

Barack: What do you mean, dude?

Kerry: Like, what state, dude?  What state won this year?  What state is the state of the union?

Barack: What?  Huh? I don’t know, dude.  I don’t know. Is that what the state of the union is all about?

Kerry: It’s a total pageant, dude.  Ya gotta choose a winner.

Hillary: No, no, no.  I’m pretty sure it’s a scholarship competition.  Pageants are so sexist.

Kerry: Totally. Especially now that they can all wear, like, bikinis and stuff. Totally sexist, dude.  Totally sexist.  I totally started watching them now.

Hillary: Not sexy, you nimrod.  Sexist.  Sexist.  As in John Kerry is a sexist pig.

Kerry: You’re just mad because you found out I’m getting paid more to be secretary than you were. It’s totally true, dude.  You were only making like 77% of what I am getting paid for doing less. It must suck being a woman.  Tell me how much it sucks.  Come on, tell me.

Hillary: You are such a dick.  Such a dick, dude.  Women are way better at stuff than all you dudes.  We should be running stuff.  We are way better at stuff.  Way better.

Kerry: Yeah, like doing the dishes.

Barack: And ironing.

Biden: And, like, uh…..

Kerry: And making sandwiches.

Barack: But not even at secretary stuff.  Not even that.  You weren’t better at secretary stuff.  Kerry gives way better massages than you ever did, dude.  Way better.  And the endings are way happier, dude. Way happier. He doesn’t even have to wear the bag.  Don’t make him wear the bag.  No bag.  No bag for him.

Biden: Oh, yeah.  I totally forgot.  You banged Kerry. Ha ha ha ha!  You banged him.

Barack: No, dude.  No.  How many times do we have to go over this. Happy endings are not banging.  They aren’t banging.

Kerry: I’m pretty sure you banged me, dude. You banged me.

Biden: You heard it.  You banged him.

Barack: Well, it’s still less embarrassing than banging Hillary, dude.

Biden: Well, of course dude.  It’s, like, Hillary.  What is she even doing around here anymore?  Didn’t we kick her out of the gang, like, years ago?  Why is she still around?  Why is she here?

Hillary: You are so freakin’ ignorant, dudes.  So ignorant. Women are way better at stuff then men. It’s, like, science, dudes.  It’s proven.  You can’t argue with science, dudes.  Our brains are, like, all interconnected and stuff, like, the neurons are all woven together and stuff not like yours.  That’s why, like, we can multitask but you men can’t.  Our brains are superior, dudes.  Totally superior.  We are like total thinking machines. It’s science, dudes.  It’s totally science.

Barack: Oh, yeah?  Oh yeah?  If you women are so totally smart and so totally good at multitasking, then answer me this.  Answer me this.  If you are so good at multitasking, then why can’t you have a headache and have sex at the same time? Huh? Those two simple things. Answer me that.  Answer me that.

Kerry: Yeah, totally. Like I totally had sex once with like an ingrown toenail, dude.  I can totally multitask like a bitch.  Totally multitask better than a woman.

Barack: And if you are having sex with Hillary, dude, you have to.  You have to multitask. You have to.  Anything to make you forget what you are doing. TV, radio, read the paper, clip your toenails, bring in some other women.  Anything, dude.  Absolutely anything to make you forget what is happening.

Kerry: I’m with you there, dude.  I’m with you.  Totally with you, but you know what is totally sexist, dude?  Totally sexist?  Monopoly.

Barack: Monopoly?

Kerry: Yeah, Monopoly, dude.  Monopoly.  They totally hate women.  They changed their pieces, dude.  They got rid of the iron, dude.  Totally got rid of it.  Now what piece are the women gonna use when they play?  Huh?  What piece are they gonna use? They don’t want women to play at all. Totally sexist, dude.  They totally hate women.  I had to take the car and put little dents in it so they have a piece they can relate to.

Barack: You are such the progressive, dude.  Total progressive.

Kerry: Of course, but I don’t know why the women want to play anyway.  They can’t win, dude.  They never win.

Barack: Don’t have a mind for business, dude. No mind.  No mind at all.

Hillary: You guys suck, you know.  You totally suck.

Kerry: Even when they play with no dudes, dude, the women still never win. Never win.  They never win.  I saw four chicks playing it once, dude.  No one won.  Before the game was through it had devolved into a fight over shoes and the next thing you know: mud wrestling. It turned into mud wrestling.  Monopoly transformed into mud wrestling. True story, dude.  True story.

Barack: Ah, mud wrestling.  Everyone wins with mud wrestling.

Kerry: Totally.  Like, pageants should totally add mud wrestling. It should go talent competition, swim suit and then mud wrestling.

Barack: Yeah, and skip the personality bit. Like that ever mattered, dude.  Never matters.  Not if you are a good mud wrestler.

Hillary: You are all pigs, dude.  I’m surrounded by pigs.  You haven’t yet dealt with my science, dudes.  You’re totally ignoring the science.  Women are totally better than men at, like, everything. It’s science, dudes.  It’s totally science.

Bill (enters Oval Office): Oh yeah, if women are so great, when was the last time you saw one win a war?  Huh? I’ll believe women are superior when they’ve won a war or when they’ve successfully repressed an entire gender.

Hillary: You suck, dudes.  You all suck.  You are so gonna be hating it in a few years when I am President. I am so gonna repress you.  I am gonna repress you so hard. You are gonna be repressed like you have never been repressed before. You all will be repressed.  The pump will be on the other foot then.  So on the other foot.

Biden: Dudes, dudes, dudes.  This is why everyone calls me the intellect of the party.

Barack: No one calls you that, dude.  No one would ever call you that.

Biden: Just shut up and listen.  Shut up, shut up, shut up, okay.  I just had a brilliant idea, dudes.  When Hillary is, like, President, she will only be paid, like, 77% of what you are making, right? It’s statistics, right?  So I’m right?  So, like, the government will be saving money.  So, dudes, fire all the men in the government and hire women.  We’d save, like, 48% on paying them and stuff.  Right off the board, like, 48% savings.  Bye-bye deficit. Bye-bye.  I’m totally balancing the budget, and we could all, like, stay home and watch football and mud wrestling.

Bill: Would never work.  We want a government that is run competently.

Hillary: Oh, I am gonna repress you so hard when I get elected.  So hard.

Bill: Why does it smell like cigars dipped in blueberry compote in here?

(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

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Now they’re making cheap Chinese monkeys

The twin cynomolgus monkeys bornRemember years ago when stuff made in China was considered cheap crap?

Of course, then, China was what we now call Taiwan. And what we now call China was called Red China. I never was clear which China was making the cheap crap. I figured it didn’t matter because anything made outside the US was probably cheap crap. I was only 6 or 8 or something, so I could have been wrong. Probably not, though.

Anyway, I still think a lot of cheap Chinese crap is cheap Chinese crap. Back then, we bought the stuff because it was cheap (price). And, we complained about it because it was cheap (quality). Today, we buy the stuff because it is cheap (price), but we don’t complain as much because we’ve lowered the bar. Witness: Obama was reelected; you don’t get a lower bar than that.

So, what brought this up? Well, the Chinese have developed a way cut and paste DNA to genetically alter things in the lab. And, they’ve made monkeys using this process. Which means, we’ll soon be overrun with cheap Chinese monkeys.

On the other hand, they might not be generally available. Cheap clone monkeys? I’m thinking MSNBC might buy them all. That way, they’ll have an endless supply of anchors for their shows.

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Random Thoughts: Racism, Waxman, and DREAM

If the left were honestly concerned about racism, they’d be too busy dealing with it on their own side to ever mention the right.

Weird all this talk of inequality from people who always seem so smug and superior.

An “Unnamed Republican” who wears a Mexican wrestling mask and never speaks would easily win in 2016.

“Women Studies” is an actual college major? I just thought that was a euphemism for lesbian porn.

It’s supposed to be two minutes of hate; hard to keep up a 24 hour news channel of hate.

If someone disagrees with me on tax policy, then he or she must be an evil racist.

So does anyone have an explanation why GOP is pushing for amnesty now? Just seems like a dog returns to its vomit sort of thing.

I don’t think I’ve ever once spelled “thorough” right the first try.

It would be interesting to see what kinds of games Nintendo could make if they weren’t constrained by their own hardware.

So why was Bill Clinton’s 2000 SOTU the least watched SOTU? I guess we forget how sick of that guy we were by the end.

Henry Waxman didn’t understand at all the end of the Twilight Zone episode “The Eye of the Beholder.”

Come on, Frank. We said we weren’t going to do jokes about Henry Waxman’s appearance. We’re better than that.

You can overturn an acquittal in Italy? That’s… interesting.

“What! An interracial couple! This flies in the face of my support for less taxes and smaller government!”

What I don’t get about the DREAM Act is how we act like someone is doing us a favor by getting a college degree.

Serve in the military – sure that’s worth citizenship. Getting a college degree is a privilege, though.

And if you get a useless degree and a ton of debt, all you’re doing is burdening us and you.

Actually, if you get a college degree without debt, that would show you’re a cut above everyone else and should be a citizen.

My solution to illegal immigration is to conquer the world so everyone is an American citizen and it’s a moot point.

Boom! You just got Franked! (I’m trying out a new catchphrase)

How about the DREAM Act, but we add a Hunger Games twist to it.

Accidentally turned the closed captions on for Pingu. Really enlightening.

Had to pause to recover after the Ewok bit in last night’s Community. Perhaps the funniest Community ever.

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If You Like Your Identity…

Hacking expert David Kennedy said he could gain access to 70,000 personal records of Obamacare enrollees at HealthCare.Gov within 4 minutes.

So… should we be horrified, or just amazed that someone actually got on the site?

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Could We Have Him for the First GOOD Black President?

[High Praise! to Liberal Logic 101]

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Really? They Need to Study?

Thirteen House Democrats have proposed legislation that would require the government to study hate speech on the Internet, mobile phones, TV, and radio.

Probably just looking to research catchy lines for their 2014 campaign ads.

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