Frank J.’s New Year’s Resolutions

Posted on January 2, 2014 11:00 am

Well, it’s a new year. 2014. The future. I mean, it’s not as futuristic sounding as 2015, but it will do. So it’s time for me to make some resolutions for the new year.

FRANK J.’S NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

* I’m going to get one of my novels published this year. I’m sitting around with like two finished novels and am busy on a third, and it’s time to get them out there and read and become a super rich, popular novelist.

* Also, I’m going to have a huge success with my first book published in print. Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything was a pretty good success, but this year I’ll have a new humor book coming out in actual book form you can like hit the dog with, so it’s time to ramp up my success level. “Important writer Frank J. Fleming” — that’s what they’ll call me.

* I’m going to finally have a TV appearance this year. I had a half TV appearance this last year with me talking over a still photo of myself, but I’m going to fully be on TV this year for some interview about how great I am.

* I’m going to talk less about politics. I’m sick of politics. I want to find other stuff to talk about. Grah! I hate politics.

* Oh wait; we have midterm elections this year. I guess I’ll have to talk about that. But I hate politics and politicians!

* I know: I’ll fake there’s going to be some big disaster — like a giant asteroid is going to hit. Then all the politicians will race to an underground shelter. And then I’ll seal them off in the shelter and they won’t pester me anymore.

* Oh, and I turn 35 later this year so now is a good time to plan for me to be president since I’ll finally be constitutionally eligible. I’ll make a great president because I don’t like talking about politics. Also, I have a great plan for locking Congress in an underground shelter.

* I’d resolve to nuke the moon this year, but I resolve that every year and it never happens. I don’t want to be disappointed again :(

* This year, I’m going to teach Buttercup to finally play Mario Kart competently. She’s three now; she should be able to steer an imaginary kart. And it’s time for her to do something useful like challenge me at racing.

* I’m going to take down a moose with the traditional way our forefathers hunted them — with an uppercut.

* I’m going to add at least one cyborg augmentation to myself.

* Other than this one bullet point, I’m not going to mention Obama at all this year and hope that makes him go away.

* I’m going to try to be more humble… which is hard for me since I’m practically exploding with awesome.

* I’m going to pay more attention to this blog and the people who writer here like Hamby and the other guy.

So any other resolutions I should have? I don’t care about your resolutions for yourself.

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10 Responses to “Frank J.’s New Year’s Resolutions”

  1. DamnCat says:

    “…this year I’ll have a new humor book coming out in actual book form you can like hit the dog with…”

    I hope in comes out in exta-hardcover!

  2. Harvey says:

    A resolution for you – get my name right. It’s not Hamby, it’s Baconby. Sheesh!

  3. Jimmy says:

    It’s time to get some help and merge your multiple personalities, Frank. It’s getting pretty obvious.

  4. Hrolf says:

    TV is obsolete. You should resolve to be on the Internet. That’s where the future is.

  5. Oppo says:

    Hamby should write a book too. You could double your income!

  6. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    It’s time to get some help and merge your multiple personalities..

    Frarvey? Harank?

    Just phase one out and bring in the Black Frank personality.

  7. Iowa Jim says:

    How about bringing back RightWingDuck?

  8. Jimmy says:

    @6: Don’t forget Basey, Basrank or other such permutations!

  9. Jimmy says:

    Also, Frank, it’s high time you:

    * Took out keyboard insurance for your readers.

    * Provide spew warnings on dangerous postings.

    * Raise the minimum posting wage to 15 attaboys / post.

    * Made some attempt to interact with your Twitter-hating readers.

    Oh oh. Hey, it’s lunch time here. My blood sugar is low.

  10. Denise says:

    You might wanna mention the wonderful person who provided you with your lovely offspring, if you can remember who she is.

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