Biden (carries in a juicer, sets it on the Oval Office desk and scrambles underneath looking for an outlet)
Barack: Dude, you got to get out of here, man. I can’t have that racket going on. I’m totally busy preparing for that state of the union thing.
Biden: Wait? What? Why, dude? I mean, why? Don’t you have like interns and junk to do your work for you? I haven’t worked an ounce since I started in on this sweet government gig.
Barack: Did you listen to those last speeches? Did you, dude? Did you listen to them? Did you even listen to them?
Biden: Why in the world, dude? Why would I listen? Why? I just stand up and clap when everyone else does. Your speeches are so boring, dude! Total snooze-arama.
Barack: Totally, dude! My speechwriters totally suck. That’s my point. I’m a better speech writer than all my speechwriters. That’s why I totally have to do it myself, dude. Got to get it done right this year.
Biden: Totally! And I can help you spell out all the big words in the teleprompter phonetically so you don’t have to pause and figure them out and stuff.
Barack: Totally! No wait. Shut up, you dick. Like, you don’t even know what phonetk…that word means.
Biden: See? See? Just what I was saying, dude. Look at the prompter. Fo net ik lee. Say it again. Fo net ik lee.
Barack: You are such a douche, dude. Such a douche. Why don’t you go see if Hill has a use for you?
Biden: No time. Got to get my morning juicing in dude. I’m totally going to be healthy now.
Barack: What, did you lose a bet with Michelle again? That’s what you said last week. Didn’t you give that up already?
Biden: It was just a minor setback, dude. I busted my old juicer the first time I used it. Just a minor setback, dude. A minor setback. The ham, steak and eggs like, totally clogged it up, dude. Who knew that stuff would clog the juicer’s arteries and stuff? Totally ruined. They wouldn’t even honor the warranty. Claimed it was totally my fault. Turns out you can only juice like vegetarian stuff. Who woulda thunk it, dude? Huh? Who woulda? Ham and egg juice. Liver and onion juice. Bacon cheeseburger juice. Rib juice. Who wouldn’t want juices like that? You know what I am saying? You know what I am saying, dude? Darn right you do. But I got my vegetables here. I got my fruits. Got my new juicer and I’m gonna try again. Michelle promised me I’d feel 20 years younger if I started juicing.
Barack: So here’s to proving her wrong again. Dude, what even is that? Is that arugula?
Biden: Arugula? Arugula? No. No, arugula? Is that even a thing? Who would juice arugula? No, dude, no, no. This is tobacco, dude. Primo stuff right from Phillip Morris. It’s not Cuban, but I guess it will do.
Barack: What the ….? Tobacco?
Biden: What the nothing. It’s totally tobacco, dude.
Barack: You can’t juice tobacco, dude!
Biden: You can totally juice tobacco.
Barack: You can’t juice tobacco, dude! No you can’t!
Biden: I totally can, dude. I saw it on the infomercial. You can juice lettuce. Carrots with that green stuff still on top. Cabbages. Apples with all the seeds and stuff in them. You can totally juice all that stuff. If you can totally juice all that stuff, you can totally juice tobacco. It’s just like leaves, dude. It’s just leaves. Like lettuce with a kick. If you hadn’t moved your stash, I would have totally sweetened it up with your weed too, dude. But now I got to use blueberries instead. That’s what you have reduced me to, dude. Juicing fruit. You did this to me. Besides, what did you expect? You won’t let me smoke inside anymore, and I can’t possibly maintain my three pack a day habit during those five minute smoke breaks you give me. I’m smoking, like 8 at a time, dude. It’s totally messing up my lips. And just look at my teeth. This way I can take my smooth, refreshing Phillip Morris hit with me all day long.
Barack: No, what I mean, is if you drink that tobacco juice, it will kill you.
Biden: Like, shut up, dude. I am so tired of hearing that! Cigarettes cause cancer. Blah, blah, blah. I know that, dude. We all totally know that! No one has respect for us smokers. And they should, dude. They should. How many of those naysayers have the courage to wake up every day and face cancer like a man? I do! Every day man! Every day! I’m fearless, dude. Totally fearless! I’m so tired of all this cancer talk.
Barack: Totally dude. I hope I come up with a cure soon.
Biden: Totally. I’m getting so sick of walking 5 Ks.
Barack: Totally. And does that even help? How does walking cure cancer?
Biden: And if it cures cancer, then why am I walking? Huh. Why am I the one that is walking? I don’t have cancer? If all this walking cures cancer, they should have all those sick dudes do the walking. You know what I’m saying, dude? All those bald little kids should be doing the walking. Get them off the bed and whip those lazy kids into shape. It’s for their own good. You know what I am saying? My walking doesn’t cure anybody. Oh, that juice looks good. I can smell the nicotiny goodness.
Barack: No, dude, you can’t drink that, dude. I mean that if you eat tobacco, it will kill you. It is poisonous. You won’t maybe die of cancer some day. You will die of poisoning now.
Biden: No way!
Biden: No way!
Biden: I don’t believe you. You’re messing with me. The surgeon general paid you off, dude. He must have totally paid you off.
Barack: No, dude. I’m being totally straight with you. I know. I’ll prove it you. Let’s call Hillary in and have her try it. Then you’ll see. Then we’ll see who’s telling the truth. Glass it up and I’ll call her. I’ll tell her I need her help with my state of the union thingie.
(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)