It’s Always Sunny in Washington DC: Barack and Joe Prepare for the State of the Union – Part 2

Posted on January 30, 2014 11:45 am

(Kerry enters Oval Office)

Kerry: Dude, we totally have to go over my plans for the security for your state of the union thingie.

Barack: What? You aren’t on my security detail, dude.  Not on my detail.

Kerry: Seriously, dude.  Seriously.  Do you know how many people, like, hate you?  I mean, like, really hate you. Don’t tell me you are going to trust your security to those stuffed suits, dude, when you have an expert like me on staff.  You can’t be serious, dude.

Hillary (enters): Sup, guys?

Barack: You aren’t on security, dude.  And you’re not an expert.  You are so not an expert.

Kerry: Yeah, right. I am totally an expert.  And you can’t stop me.  It’s like my patriotic duty to keep you safe.  It’s, like, in the Constitution or something, dude.  It’s in the Constitution.  (Pushes aside Biden’s juicer and spreads out sheaves of paper on the desk) Just look at your seating chart here.  It is all wrong, dude.  All wrong.  It’s just so wrong.  What can I say, it’s all wrong.  We need to move Hillary right next to you, dude.  Like, right next to you.

Barack: I don’t want to sit next to Hillary. She doesn’t use enough perfume, dude.  Doesn’t cover up her natural musk, dude.  Doesn’t cover it up.  No covering.  No covering at all.

Kerry: Do you want to be safe, huh?  Do you want to be safe?  Tell me you want to be safe.  She is integral, dude.  Integral.  We need someone expendable right there. Totally expendable.  If there is a shooter, I’m gonna push her into the line of fire and leap over her and karate chop the shooter.  I can’t take the bullet myself, cause I need to be free for the karate chopping.  We need a large, expendable shield, so, of course, Hillary.

Barack: That does kind of make sense.

Hillary: Dudes, I’m standing right here.

Barack: But do we really want her ugly mug where the cameras might catch a glimpse of it?  Do we really want to broadcast that into everybody’s homes?  Can we at least dress her up as a clown so she will be less distracting?  Oh, speak of the Bozo.  When did you get here?

Hillary: Ha. Ha. You just can’t handle sitting too close to all this. Can’t have all this eye candy distracting from your highness’ words.

Barack: Ya, you’re eye candy, alright. Black licorice.

Kerry: Totally.  You’re, like, the black licorice of eye candy.  Not all candy is good, you know.  Not all is good. Some is downright disgusting.

Barack: Nauseating, if you will.  Downright nauseating.

Hillary: You know, I hate you guys.  I really do.  I hate you guys so much.  Now do you want my help or not?

Biden: Oh, we definitely want your help.  Thirsty?

(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

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