It’s Always Sunny in Washington DC: Barack and Joe Prepare for the State of the Union – Part 3

(Barack, Biden, Hillary and Kerry are in the Oval Office preparing the State of the Union address, and Biden is trying to get Hillary to try his tobacco juice to test it for toxicity)

Hillary: So what do you have so far?

Barack: What do you think of this part right here?  (begins reading) “The Republicans have been accusing me of supporting draconian policies that will force Americans to choose among the dystopian visions depicted in Brave New World or Children of Men or 1984 or Harrison Bergeron.  This is a false choice.  I say, why choose?  With hope and change we can have it all.  To them I say, yes we can!”

Biden: I’m already sleeping, dude.  Already asleep.

Kerry: I’m, like, totally confused, dude.  Like, what state are you even talking about?

Barack: What do you mean, dude?

Kerry: Like, what state, dude?  What state won this year?  What state is the state of the union?

Barack: What?  Huh? I don’t know, dude.  I don’t know. Is that what the state of the union is all about?

Kerry: It’s a total pageant, dude.  Ya gotta choose a winner.

Hillary: No, no, no.  I’m pretty sure it’s a scholarship competition.  Pageants are so sexist.

Kerry: Totally. Especially now that they can all wear, like, bikinis and stuff. Totally sexist, dude.  Totally sexist.  I totally started watching them now.

Hillary: Not sexy, you nimrod.  Sexist.  Sexist.  As in John Kerry is a sexist pig.

Kerry: You’re just mad because you found out I’m getting paid more to be secretary than you were. It’s totally true, dude.  You were only making like 77% of what I am getting paid for doing less. It must suck being a woman.  Tell me how much it sucks.  Come on, tell me.

Hillary: You are such a dick.  Such a dick, dude.  Women are way better at stuff than all you dudes.  We should be running stuff.  We are way better at stuff.  Way better.

Kerry: Yeah, like doing the dishes.

Barack: And ironing.

Biden: And, like, uh…..

Kerry: And making sandwiches.

Barack: But not even at secretary stuff.  Not even that.  You weren’t better at secretary stuff.  Kerry gives way better massages than you ever did, dude.  Way better.  And the endings are way happier, dude. Way happier. He doesn’t even have to wear the bag.  Don’t make him wear the bag.  No bag.  No bag for him.

Biden: Oh, yeah.  I totally forgot.  You banged Kerry. Ha ha ha ha!  You banged him.

Barack: No, dude.  No.  How many times do we have to go over this. Happy endings are not banging.  They aren’t banging.

Kerry: I’m pretty sure you banged me, dude. You banged me.

Biden: You heard it.  You banged him.

Barack: Well, it’s still less embarrassing than banging Hillary, dude.

Biden: Well, of course dude.  It’s, like, Hillary.  What is she even doing around here anymore?  Didn’t we kick her out of the gang, like, years ago?  Why is she still around?  Why is she here?

Hillary: You are so freakin’ ignorant, dudes.  So ignorant. Women are way better at stuff then men. It’s, like, science, dudes.  It’s proven.  You can’t argue with science, dudes.  Our brains are, like, all interconnected and stuff, like, the neurons are all woven together and stuff not like yours.  That’s why, like, we can multitask but you men can’t.  Our brains are superior, dudes.  Totally superior.  We are like total thinking machines. It’s science, dudes.  It’s totally science.

Barack: Oh, yeah?  Oh yeah?  If you women are so totally smart and so totally good at multitasking, then answer me this.  Answer me this.  If you are so good at multitasking, then why can’t you have a headache and have sex at the same time? Huh? Those two simple things. Answer me that.  Answer me that.

Kerry: Yeah, totally. Like I totally had sex once with like an ingrown toenail, dude.  I can totally multitask like a bitch.  Totally multitask better than a woman.

Barack: And if you are having sex with Hillary, dude, you have to.  You have to multitask. You have to.  Anything to make you forget what you are doing. TV, radio, read the paper, clip your toenails, bring in some other women.  Anything, dude.  Absolutely anything to make you forget what is happening.

Kerry: I’m with you there, dude.  I’m with you.  Totally with you, but you know what is totally sexist, dude?  Totally sexist?  Monopoly.

Barack: Monopoly?

Kerry: Yeah, Monopoly, dude.  Monopoly.  They totally hate women.  They changed their pieces, dude.  They got rid of the iron, dude.  Totally got rid of it.  Now what piece are the women gonna use when they play?  Huh?  What piece are they gonna use? They don’t want women to play at all. Totally sexist, dude.  They totally hate women.  I had to take the car and put little dents in it so they have a piece they can relate to.

Barack: You are such the progressive, dude.  Total progressive.

Kerry: Of course, but I don’t know why the women want to play anyway.  They can’t win, dude.  They never win.

Barack: Don’t have a mind for business, dude. No mind.  No mind at all.

Hillary: You guys suck, you know.  You totally suck.

Kerry: Even when they play with no dudes, dude, the women still never win. Never win.  They never win.  I saw four chicks playing it once, dude.  No one won.  Before the game was through it had devolved into a fight over shoes and the next thing you know: mud wrestling. It turned into mud wrestling.  Monopoly transformed into mud wrestling. True story, dude.  True story.

Barack: Ah, mud wrestling.  Everyone wins with mud wrestling.

Kerry: Totally.  Like, pageants should totally add mud wrestling. It should go talent competition, swim suit and then mud wrestling.

Barack: Yeah, and skip the personality bit. Like that ever mattered, dude.  Never matters.  Not if you are a good mud wrestler.

Hillary: You are all pigs, dude.  I’m surrounded by pigs.  You haven’t yet dealt with my science, dudes.  You’re totally ignoring the science.  Women are totally better than men at, like, everything. It’s science, dudes.  It’s totally science.

Bill (enters Oval Office): Oh yeah, if women are so great, when was the last time you saw one win a war?  Huh? I’ll believe women are superior when they’ve won a war or when they’ve successfully repressed an entire gender.

Hillary: You suck, dudes.  You all suck.  You are so gonna be hating it in a few years when I am President. I am so gonna repress you.  I am gonna repress you so hard. You are gonna be repressed like you have never been repressed before. You all will be repressed.  The pump will be on the other foot then.  So on the other foot.

Biden: Dudes, dudes, dudes.  This is why everyone calls me the intellect of the party.

Barack: No one calls you that, dude.  No one would ever call you that.

Biden: Just shut up and listen.  Shut up, shut up, shut up, okay.  I just had a brilliant idea, dudes.  When Hillary is, like, President, she will only be paid, like, 77% of what you are making, right? It’s statistics, right?  So I’m right?  So, like, the government will be saving money.  So, dudes, fire all the men in the government and hire women.  We’d save, like, 48% on paying them and stuff.  Right off the board, like, 48% savings.  Bye-bye deficit. Bye-bye.  I’m totally balancing the budget, and we could all, like, stay home and watch football and mud wrestling.

Bill: Would never work.  We want a government that is run competently.

Hillary: Oh, I am gonna repress you so hard when I get elected.  So hard.

Bill: Why does it smell like cigars dipped in blueberry compote in here?

(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

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  1. Heh.
    The pure gold line:
    “Biden: And, like, uh .. .”

    [Has to be read in context.]

    I just realized — more bleeped-out words would increase the similarity to the real show.


  2. Ya, I know. But I don’t cuss in real life, and I have a hard time bringing myself to write in cuss. I know. I’m flawed. Looks like a couple people really hate this one. Kind of why I stopped writing them before.


  3. Yeah, f[ ]-a right, cursing like a [ ]ed m[ ]-f[ ]g a[ ]e is kind of tacky and can distract from the plotlines.



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