John Kerry’s 2014 New Year Resolutions

My man in State has come through again.  Now he got Kerry’s 2014 New Year Resolutions, and they are about what you would expect.

  • Develop an immunity to iocane powder in case I am challenged to a contest of wits by a Sicilian diplomat
  • Try not to start a land war in Asia
  • Beat Assad at the knockout game
  • Finally have a sex scandal.  Why does no one want to have a sex scandal with me?
  • Find that Rorschach guy and force him to stop making perverted ink drawings of my mother with George Bush and a donkey
  • Find a way to get that residual Hillary smell out of my office
  • Discretely find out which state I am supposed to be the secretary of
  • Figure out how to block Putin from my facebook page.  I think he is fb-stalking me
  • Figure out how to remove those facebook links I accidentally made to NORAD, NSA surveillance, the nuclear launch codes and
  • Discretely find a tutor so I can get my IQ test scores above 80
  • More botox
  • Overcome my addiction to bath salts, and in the meantime, hire some younger, more tender interns
  • Armed with White-out, find a way past security and ‘amend’ the Constitution so I rather than Biden am next in line
  • Challenge Obama to a contest of wits
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