My man in State has come through again. Now he got Kerry’s 2014 New Year Resolutions, and they are about what you would expect.
- Develop an immunity to iocane powder in case I am challenged to a contest of wits by a Sicilian diplomat
- Try not to start a land war in Asia
- Beat Assad at the knockout game
- Finally have a sex scandal. Why does no one want to have a sex scandal with me?
- Find that Rorschach guy and force him to stop making perverted ink drawings of my mother with George Bush and a donkey
- Find a way to get that residual Hillary smell out of my office
- Discretely find out which state I am supposed to be the secretary of
- Figure out how to block Putin from my facebook page. I think he is fb-stalking me
- Figure out how to remove those facebook links I accidentally made to NORAD, NSA surveillance, the nuclear launch codes and healthcare.gov
- Discretely find a tutor so I can get my IQ test scores above 80
- More botox
- Overcome my addiction to bath salts, and in the meantime, hire some younger, more tender interns
- Armed with White-out, find a way past security and ‘amend’ the Constitution so I rather than Biden am next in line
- Challenge Obama to a contest of wits
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