(AP) – Washington DC – Having solved the healthcare crisis in America, Barack Obama and his administration have now turned their attention toward solving the ever present problem of income inequality in the nation. Toward that end, Barack met with the press and read the following statement from his teleprompter.
“So far under my administration, the income gap between the rich and the poor has increased significantly, and something must be done to rectify this inequality and finally introduce social justice to America. Sociologists have concluded numerous times that the poor in America differ from the wealthy in two important ways. The poor do not graduate from high school, and they do not wait until marriage before they start having children. Studies have indicated that if a person minimally graduates from high school and doesn’t have children out of wedlock, they will not be poor.
“Armed with this knowledge, the solution to income inequality in America becomes simple. We will begin by banning high schools and colleges entirely and requiring that all people in America have at least one child out of wedlock, preferably during their teenage years, thereby eliminating this unfair advantage that the wealthy have over the poor. We really need to level the playing field in this respect. Dumbing down graduation requirements and teaching teens how to procreate in school just haven’t been sufficient to achieve equality, so we need to take more drastic action. The ruling class, of course, will be necessarily exempt from such restrictions since they are all obviously altruistic and above the fray.
“We understand this solution may not be perfect. We understand that some Americans may be sterile or too homely to effectively reproduce, and that is ok. In those cases we will provide children to these individuals. Anthony Weiner, being currently unemployed, has personally volunteered to visit these individuals and rectify the situation as part of his civic duty, no matter how many tries it takes, and if Weiner is unsuccessful, forced adoption is always an option. In addition, there may be precocious individuals that will try to learn on their own and develop an unfair advantage over their peers. Such individuals can be dealt with through roofies, electroshock therapy and other novel approaches to induce appropriate limitations to their skills and intellect. We all know the dangers that can spring from a knowledgeable and well informed populace, and such attributes must be curbed.
“One of my goals for 2013 was to finish the short story I was working on, and I finally finished reading it yesterday. Has anyone read Harrison Bergeron? It was a beautiful tale of a perfect society, until that uppity couple at the end threw off their restraints and soared. I think a suitably edited version of that tale will be required reading in our new socially just utopia.
“Of course, none of this will remedy the current income inequality in America, but that is easy to fix. For decades politicians have been arguing about a fair minimum wage. I think they have been going about it all backwards. We shouldn’t be arguing about a fair minimum wage when the problem is the fair maximum wage. I am proposing that a fair living wage be established as an across the board minimum and maximum wage. Problem solved. Once the populace has enough to live on, do they really need any more? At that point, haven’t they earned enough money? Wouldn’t it be better to let the experts in the federal government decide how best to use the remaining resources? It worked so well with healthcare, after all.”