Straight Line of the Day: An Obama Pollster Said Reporters Should Stop Covering Polls in 2014. Other Advice From the Administration…

Posted on January 2, 2014 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

An Obama pollster said reporters should stop covering polls in 2014. Other advice from the administration…

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54 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: An Obama Pollster Said Reporters Should Stop Covering Polls in 2014. Other Advice From the Administration…”

  1. Loren Heal says:

    The Dallas Cowboys suggested that fans not look at the score of the game, but whether the Cowboys were leading before the last pass.

  2. rodney dill says:

    …stop judging straight lines.

  3. can of spam says:

    @2: Too late for that, isn’t it?

  4. Amer-I-Can says:

    … taxpayers should stop looking at deductions…. it will hurt much less

  5. Oppo says:

    Economists should stop talking about the economy. They’re depressing everyone.

  6. DamnCat says:

    …: stop reporting negative stories about Obama. The IRS is overworked already.

  7. JeffersonFan says:

    You don’t need to see the data on Obamacare enrollments….these are not the droids you’re looking for…

  8. can of spam says:

    … April 15th is just around the corner, and we provide these handy talking points memos for a reason, capiche?

  9. Oppo says:

    .. is for their employees to stop “pleading the Fifth.” It only makes journalists look it up in the Constitution, which is a slippery slope.

  10. walruskkkch says:

    An Obama pollster said reporters should stop covering polls in 2014. Other advice from the administration…

    don’t worry about counting votes come November, we got it covered.

    stockpile Anonymiss cookies, never know when they could get scarce.

    take a long vacation, and rest up so you can have some energy to ask questions of a Republican President.

    don’t do anything unless “the President sez.”

  11. can of spam says:

    … ignore the fact that there’s a mid-term election at all. It’s so much more trouble actually having to hold one than just declaring whatever results you like.

  12. Writer says:

    You are given official handouts. Nothing else matters.

  13. can of spam says:

    … there are absolutely, positively no American tanks in Baghdad.

  14. Bob B says:

    …include ignoring Syria, Al Qaeda, North Korea, and especially Iran – nothing to see here!

  15. can of spam says:

    … walnuts in cookies are perfectly ordinary and normal, and bear no negative commentary whatsoever.

  16. FormerHostage says:

    SQUIRREL!!!!!!

  17. Iowa Jim says:

    . . . is not to open the box containing Erwin Schrodinger’s cat

    . . . is that the Chicago Bears are a lock for this year’s NFL championship

    . . . is that it would be a very good idea to compliment the emperor on his new clothes

    . . . is to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, and when to lie about everything

  18. can of spam says:

    … is that no one, really, thinks you’re clever if your next question at a press conference is “what does the fox say?”

  19. FormerHostage says:

    …Reporters should stop asking so many damn questions! We’ll tell you what you need to know, when you need to know it!

  20. FormerHostage says:

    …stop pants’ing Jay and pushing him into the girls’ locker room.

  21. Jimmy says:

    Oh, whoa. Socrates is back. Look out!

  22. FormerHostage says:

    We’ve always been at war with Eastasia!

  23. FormerHostage says:

    Wear pajamas. Drink hot chocolate. Don’t talk about the Obamacare fiasco.

  24. Janeane Garofalo says:

    HEY WINGNUTS PRESIDENT OBAMA (MULTIPLE YAYS!!!) IS NOT FOCUSING ON POLAND OR THE POLISH PEOPLE SO WHY WOULD THE POLES BE COVERED BY A POLLSTER???DUHHH!!!!!MORE MAJOR DUMBNESS FROM THE WINGNUT DEMOGRAPHIC!!!ANY ADVICE FROM PRESIDENT OBAMA (MORE YAYS!!!!) AND HIS PEOPLE WILL BE WISE AND CARING AND BE FOR THE GREATER GOOD OF THIS COUNTRY AND ITS DIVERSE CROSSECTION OF CITIZENS!!!!SO THERE ARE NO STRAIGHT LINES OR FUNNYNESS IN ANY OF THIS!!!AND I KNOW FUNNY!!!I MAKE THE FUNNY!!!IVE WORKED WITH JERRY SEINFELD AND BEN STILLER AND WAS ON SNL!!!DONT FORGET THAT WINGNUTS!!!

  25. walruskkkch says:

    @24 I bet you make poop today like a good little baby as well!

  26. Anonymiss says:

    Sorry guys.

    I guess the holidays made Keln a bit depressed, so to try and cheer himself up… he put me back in the dungeon.

    Apparently that didn’t help, cuz tomorrow he’s sending me to …*gasp*…

    IDAHO.

    NO ONE interesting lives in Idaho.

    And I’m an extrovert. I’ll be miserable.

    The up side? Maybe it’ll make Keln a little more chipper.

    If you want cookies, maybe you should complain loudly to Keln.

    Who knows?

    It could work. :P

  27. rodney dill says:

    @24 – I will grant that Seinfeld is humorous, but claiming you know humor because you’ve worked with Ben Stiller is like saying Dennis Rodman knows freedom because he meets with Kim Jong Un.

  28. anonymiss says:

    By the way, I blame Harvey. What good is being his Empress if he doesn’t even rescue you from a fate worse than death… Like Idaho…

  29. rodney dill says:

    …pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

  30. Harvey says:

    @28 – Hang tight… my shiny armor is out getting polished…

  31. Bob B says:

    @26 – Just googled famous Idahoans, and they led with the founder of the Albertson’s grocery chain. When you’re right, Anonymiss (and BTW, you are always right) you nail it! Time to mount a protest : FREE ANONYMISS! FREE ANONYMISS! FREE ANONYMISS…

  32. Fred Key says:

    Rodney, you beat me to it at #29.

  33. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …work harder to cover Obama’s butt.

  34. DamnCat says:

    @ Harvey – why polish shiny armor?

  35. Bob in Feenicks says:

    #28:
    Better Idaho than DETROIT!

  36. Jimmy says:

    There’s only one reason Miss Anony would visit the potato capital of the world that I can think of: to visit the head potato licker!

  37. CCO says:

    …have some purple juice.

    (Although I like #13 myself.)

  38. Harvey says:

    @34 – because there might be Gorgons to fight along the way, and if my armor is extra shiny, I can use it as a mirror, and safely gaze upon her snaky locks as I aim my sword for the death blow.

    Also, I’m no good at making up impromptu excuses…

  39. rodney dill says:

    I hold potatoes in some reverence as they can be made into lefse.u

  40. Iowa Jim says:

    @26 – I’m going to let you in on a little secret. EVERYBODY who lives in states like Idaho, Iowa, and North Dakota is more interesting than you can imagine. We just pretend not to be so that the extroverts don’t move to our states and ruin everything.

  41. Harvey says:

    There’s nobody interesting in Wisconsin. Extroverts stay away! Dull as dishwater!

    As I type this, I’m just idly gazing out the window, watching the snow sublimate.

  42. Anonymiss says:

    @41…

    Well, maybe not after I leave tomorrow. :P

    Extroverts should wait to come to Wisconsin until next week…when I get back.

  43. walruskkkch says:

    cookie?

  44. Burt says:

    #26 If I were exiled to Idaho, I would attempt to make the best of a bad situation and ask for an audience with Princess Buttercup and the Illustrious Heir Apparent.

  45. Burt says:

    #24 JG, my own preference for comedy is a little more ‘slap’ and a little less ‘stick’.

  46. rodney dill says:

    @41 – I left Wis. In ’88, but I still visit frequently, unfortunately not to Green Bay this weekend.

  47. blarg says:

    …close your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears, and keep repeating “Obama is the best president ever” over and over.

  48. Jimmy says:

    …includes stocking-up on ammo.

  49. Karen says:

    … Stop listening to that crazy right-wing math!

    … Covering polls is now racist.

    … remember that progressives are open-minded, meaning that they listen to other people’s opinions. Which means that all opinions they don’t like are by default, narrow-minded, and can safely be ignored.

    … The news isn’t about politics, economics, or foreign policy, it’s about reality TV stars saying mean things in interviews. Cover more of that.

  50. frogmouth says:

    Make sure all your dead relatives are registered to vote.

  51. can of spam says:

    @31: I’m gone for a few hours and all of a sudden someone is giving away FREE ANONYMISS? Where do I sign up to get some?

  52. 25 says:

    #40 – Amen.

  53. Anonymiss says:

    En route to exciting Idaho… Got bumped and compensated. Going to San Fran now.

    Lucky me!

    Thankfully, I came prepared with cookies.

  54. Writer says:

    …Nice fingers you have there.
    It would be a shame if they were repossessed to transplant elsewhere.

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