Straight Line of the Day: DHS Plans to X-Ray All Food and Drink at the Super Bowl. Other Preparations…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

65 Comments

  1. DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    making Anonymiss a Field Judge.

    full cavity search for anyone paying more than $1500 for a ticket.

    no overcoats permitted in the stadium.

    0

    0
  2. … bringing all of DHS top brass to the site so they can… er… direct operations. And to do so, they’ll need a large indoor… um… comm center overlooking the stadium with excellent lines of sight. For security, you know. And catered, so they they keep all eyes on the game… I mean crowd… at all times.

    0

    0
  3. DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    full pat downs for your “Niece” wink wink.

    0

    0
  4. DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    making sure no Anonymiss cookies get through untasted.

    0

    0
  5. DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    all play calls will be approved by the NSA.

    0

    0
  6. …halftime open season on fictitious seabirds using pellet guns. No, really.

    There is no such thing as a “sea hawk.”

    0

    0
  7. DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    all fans should leave your footwear at home, if you know what’s good for ya.

    0

    0
  8. DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    checking all the soft drink dispensers for thermonuclear devices.

    0

    0
  9. DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    making sure all those “undocumented ticket holders” get in OK, oh and get free abortions as well.

    0

    0
  10. DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    making absolutely, positively sure there will be no “twerkin’ at halftime by anyone. Is that clear?

    0

    0
  11. DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    H, but that’s still a secret.

    0

    0
  12. DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    doing the x-raying AFTER purchase just to be safe.

    0

    0
  13. . . . include not allowing Darren McFadden anywhere near the game, for fear that he will injure himself

    . . . include investigating why Russell Wilson and Peyton Manning have four surnames but no given names between the two of them

    . . . include the installation of a paper field, because this Super Bowl matchup looks really good on paper

    0

    0
  14. DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    are so hush hush that only Obama knows what they are, and maybe Snowden, and the Russians, and the Chinese, and the North Koreans, and the Iranians, and the Palestinians, and Hamas, and Al-Queda….but definitely NOT Joe Biden.

    0

    0
  15. DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    will assure the spectators that no one will be able to hijack the stadium and fly it into the new Freedom Tower in NYC.

    0

    0
  16. DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    instituting a “No-Fly” zone over the Bronco secondary, damn bastards got a lot riding on this game, capisce?

    0

    0
  17. DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    include armed guards to keep Chris Christie at bay while the hot dogs and beer are inspected.

    0

    0
  18. …converting MetLife stadium to the first operational FEMA camp and detain all attendees until further notice.

    0

    0
  19. …requiring all half-time entertainment be performed in the nude to eliminate the possibility of ‘Wardrobe Malfunctions’.

    0

    0
  20. …closing all of the bridges and roads to the stadium because none of those out-of-towners voted for Christie.

    0

    0
  21. DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    Keeping Matthew Broderick away from a computer and a phone.

    Plenty of pro-Obamacare propaganda.

    will be me surfing the channel guide to see what else is on

    0

    0
  22. …by confusing any terrorists by holding the Super Bowl in the same stadium where the New York Giants and the New York Jets play, but not tell them it’s actually located in New Jersey.

    0

    0
  23. …mandatory Imammograms at all nearby mosques.

    …no balls allowed in unless signed by the commissioner and properly inflated.

    …toilet paperless bathrooms will gather likely terrorists and pervs in confined spaces.

    0

    0
  24. @58 Dohtimes: Where do you keep that “imammograms” line? I’m going to need to steal that for some future Straight Line.

    0

    0
  25. Oppo, actually with Obamacare the DHS has partnered with a number of blind sheiks that will come by women’s houses, giving out purple nurples in lieu of costly X-rays, satisfying everyone (In Iran and the White House).

    0

    0
  26. They’ll start with female celebrities and models first.
    They’ll call it Shakira Law.
    (One Mosstectomy will turn them from blind sheiks to heroin sheiks)

    0

    0

Comments are closed.