Straight Line of the Day: DHS Plans to X-Ray All Food and Drink at the Super Bowl. Other Preparations…

Posted on January 31, 2014 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

65 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: DHS Plans to X-Ray All Food and Drink at the Super Bowl. Other Preparations…”

  1. Bob B says:

    …include abandoning the border, because “everyone’s home watching the game, man.”

  2. can of spam says:

    … dog-sniffing giant foam fingers.

  3. can of spam says:

    … sending a ready-response team to “Omaha!” due to it coming up a lot in “chatter” about the game.

  4. Bob B says:

    …a super-secret surveillance program, code named “Omaha”, directed during the game by Payton Manning.

  5. can of spam says:

    … installing a cone of silence over the Seahawks supporters so the rest of us don’t have to deal with their whining again when they lose this one.

  6. can of spam says:

    … cleaning up all vestiges of the Giants and Jets, so that the suck doesn’t get on the teams playing in the Superbowl.

  7. walruskkkch says:

    DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    making Anonymiss a Field Judge.

    full cavity search for anyone paying more than $1500 for a ticket.

    no overcoats permitted in the stadium.

  8. can of spam says:

    … bringing all of DHS top brass to the site so they can… er… direct operations. And to do so, they’ll need a large indoor… um… comm center overlooking the stadium with excellent lines of sight. For security, you know. And catered, so they they keep all eyes on the game… I mean crowd… at all times.

  9. can of spam says:

    … Jack Bauer-style interrogation for anyone trying to slip walnuts into the concession stand cookies.

  10. walruskkkch says:

    DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    full pat downs for your “Niece” wink wink.

  11. can of spam says:

    @7: “making Anonymiss a Field Judge”

    Well, that will settle the Seawhiner’s complaints about “blown calls”, as there won’t be any calls.

  12. walruskkkch says:

    DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    making sure no Anonymiss cookies get through untasted.

  13. can of spam says:

    … will involve turning all “tight ends” into “wide receivers”, if you get my drift.

  14. walruskkkch says:

    @11 But there will be cookies!

  15. Anonymiss says:

    @11 You are a SNOT.

    Just you wait and see…

  16. walruskkkch says:

    DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    all play calls will be approved by the NSA.

  17. can of spam says:

    … include setting up interview/interrogation rooms for any attendees who pass a sobriety test.

  18. can of spam says:

    @15: Yes, yes, I am.

  19. Jimmy says:

    …halftime open season on fictitious seabirds using pellet guns. No, really.

    There is no such thing as a “sea hawk.”

  20. walruskkkch says:

    DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    all fans should leave your footwear at home, if you know what’s good for ya.

  21. can of spam says:

    … extensive pat-downs of all cheerleaders. Multiple times. You can never be too safe, you know.

  22. Jimmy says:

    Oh, and Go Hawks!

  23. walruskkkch says:

    DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    checking all the soft drink dispensers for thermonuclear devices.

  24. can of spam says:

    … include, ironically, contracting a group of “undocumented” day laborers to build a wall around the stadium.

  25. walruskkkch says:

    DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    making sure all those “undocumented ticket holders” get in OK, oh and get free abortions as well.

  26. walruskkkch says:

    @24 Now that’s scary.

  27. walruskkkch says:

    DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    making absolutely, positively sure there will be no “twerkin’ at halftime by anyone. Is that clear?

  28. can of spam says:

    … include snipers ready to take down any wide receiver whose TD dance is too ridiculous.

  29. walruskkkch says:

    DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    H, but that’s still a secret.

  30. walruskkkch says:

    @28 That would be all of them then.

  31. can of spam says:

    @30: By the end of the 1st quarter, one would hope the survivors would learn.

  32. walruskkkch says:

    DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    doing the x-raying AFTER purchase just to be safe.

  33. Jimmy says:

    …Chris Christie will throw out the first pitch.

  34. walruskkkch says:

    @31 We are talking NFL quality receivers, aren’t we?

  35. can of spam says:

    … enforcing defensive holding as well as they enforce border control. Have fun, Peyton.

  36. can of spam says:

    @34: Okay, halftime. I hear Welker’s a smart guy, after all.

  37. Bob B says:

    …will include a stadium-wide ban on smoking marijuana – except in the security office…

  38. Iowa Jim says:

    . . . include not allowing Darren McFadden anywhere near the game, for fear that he will injure himself

    . . . include investigating why Russell Wilson and Peyton Manning have four surnames but no given names between the two of them

    . . . include the installation of a paper field, because this Super Bowl matchup looks really good on paper

  39. walruskkkch says:

    DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    are so hush hush that only Obama knows what they are, and maybe Snowden, and the Russians, and the Chinese, and the North Koreans, and the Iranians, and the Palestinians, and Hamas, and Al-Queda….but definitely NOT Joe Biden.

  40. walruskkkch says:

    DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    will assure the spectators that no one will be able to hijack the stadium and fly it into the new Freedom Tower in NYC.

  41. walruskkkch says:

    DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    instituting a “No-Fly” zone over the Bronco secondary, damn bastards got a lot riding on this game, capisce?

  42. James says:

    DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    include armed guards to keep Chris Christie at bay while the hot dogs and beer are inspected.

  43. Anonymiss says:

    @21 No, can of spam, I am NOT a cheerleader…

    Geeeez.

  44. Fred Key says:

    …Anonymiss X-ray activated exploding cookies.

    …John Madden to taste everything before allowing others to consume it.

  45. can of spam says:

    @43: As I said, there’s no such thing as “too safe”. Oh look, your name came up again. What are the odds?

  46. Burt says:

    …converting MetLife stadium to the first operational FEMA camp and detain all attendees until further notice.

  47. Burt says:

    …requiring all half-time entertainment be performed in the nude to eliminate the possibility of ‘Wardrobe Malfunctions’.

  48. Anonymiss says:

    @45 Snot.

    My cookies are clean.

  49. walruskkkch says:

    @47 You do know that the show is Bruno Mars and the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Just checking.

  50. walruskkkch says:

    @48 They certainly are sans Walnuts!

  51. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …closing all of the bridges and roads to the stadium because none of those out-of-towners voted for Christie.

  52. c64wood says:

    DHS plans to X-ray all food and drink at the Super Bowl. Other preparations…

    Keeping Matthew Broderick away from a computer and a phone.

    Plenty of pro-Obamacare propaganda.

    will be me surfing the channel guide to see what else is on

  53. Anonymiss says:

    @49 I like “Just the Way You Are”. :)

  54. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …by confusing any terrorists by holding the Super Bowl in the same stadium where the New York Giants and the New York Jets play, but not tell them it’s actually located in New Jersey.

  55. Oppo says:

    … include dog-sniffing drug agents for the Puppy Bowl.

  56. Oppo says:

    … include a warning from the FDA about consuming X-rayed food or drink.

  57. DamnCat says:

    …: complementary nacho GPS chips.

  58. Dohtimes says:

    …mandatory Imammograms at all nearby mosques.

    …no balls allowed in unless signed by the commissioner and properly inflated.

    …toilet paperless bathrooms will gather likely terrorists and pervs in confined spaces.

  59. Bob B says:

    @23 – that about sums up all my fears

  60. Bob B says:

    …include a no fly zone for blimps, especially ones painted black…

  61. Oppo says:

    @58 Dohtimes: Where do you keep that “imammograms” line? I’m going to need to steal that for some future Straight Line.

  62. CLIFF says:

    Includes random colonoscopys through racial profiling to check for Colon Bombers.

  63. Doug says:

    Other Preparations… “Preparation H” … for all of those DHS agents.

  64. Dohtimes says:

    Oppo, actually with Obamacare the DHS has partnered with a number of blind sheiks that will come by women’s houses, giving out purple nurples in lieu of costly X-rays, satisfying everyone (In Iran and the White House).

  65. Oppo says:

    They’ll start with female celebrities and models first.
    They’ll call it Shakira Law.
    (One Mosstectomy will turn them from blind sheiks to heroin sheiks)

Leave a Reply

XHTML: You can use these tags: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>