Straight Line of the Day: The Feds Listed 141 New Regs in 3 Days. The Wackiest…

Posted on January 8, 2014 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

The Feds listed 141 new regs in 3 days. The wackiest…

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48 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: The Feds Listed 141 New Regs in 3 Days. The Wackiest…”

  1. Steve H says:

    … opposite day
    … the Federal Naked Fridays dress code
    … the “Cuz I Said So” regulation

  2. Steve H says:

    … the “Chris Christie is a poo-poo head” declaration
    … Hunting Season for Republicans
    … Days off for Gender Reassignment therapy (Pajama Boy and San Fran Nan still haven’t decided what gender they want to become)

  3. walruskkkch says:

    The Feds listed 141 new regs in 3 days. The wackiest…

    Squirrels shall not be used for non-squirrel appropriate uses. http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/c5/17/ed/c517ed318de66148b7d6b0b499ef08af.jpg

  4. rodney dill says:

    …a reg stating that the Fed cannot introduce any more than 140 new regs in a three day period.

  5. walruskkkch says:

    The Feds listed 141 new regs in 3 days. The wackiest…

    Everyone to be called “Bruce” to avoid confusion.

    Woodchuck wood chucking shall be limited to the average amount of wood a woodchuck would chuck if all woodchucks would chuck wood.

  6. walruskkkch says:

    The Feds listed 141 new regs in 3 days. The wackiest…

    Nude photographs are prohibited in all staff lounges or cafeterias.

  7. walruskkkch says:

    @6 addendum : insert “of Hillary Clinton” where appropriate.

  8. walruskkkch says:

    The Feds listed 141 new regs in 3 days. The wackiest…

    The word pants will hereafter be prohibited in all internal government communications. Please substitute the word “Pantaloons”.

  9. Steve H says:

    … employee lunches limited to 2.5 hours (unless the union disagrees, of course)

  10. FormerHostage says:

    * Directing that walnuts are required for all cookies.

  11. Steve H says:

    @10 THAT is why the gov’t shouldn’t be in charge of so much.

  12. FormerHostage says:

    * The game can be played with a standard Earth deck of cards, despite the slightly differing deck on Beta Antares IV.
    * Each player gets six cards, except for the player on the dealer’s right, who gets seven.
    * The second card is turned up, except on Tuesdays.
    * Two jacks are a “half-fizzbin”.
    * If you have a half-fizzbin:
    – a third jack is a “shralk” and results in disqualification;
    – one wants a king and a deuce, except at night, when one wants a queen and a four;
    – if a king had been dealt, the player would get another card, except when it is dark, in which case he’d have to give it back.
    * The top hand is a “royal fizzbin”, but the odds against getting one are said to be “astronomical”.

  13. FormerHostage says:

    …was the requirement that no less than an average of 47 regulations per day be issued every three days.

  14. walruskkkch says:

    The Feds listed 141 new regs in 3 days. The wackiest…

    Federal employees will refrain from “Twerking” except for situations where it is applicable.

  15. FormerHostage says:

    …required bears to apply for permits from the EPA before “going” in the woods.

  16. FormerHostage says:

    …states that if a pitcher enters the game in the first inning with no outs before the opposing team scores and gets out of the inning without a run scored and then pitches the rest of the game without giving up a run he shall be credited with a shutout.

  17. FormerHostage says:

    …defines flatulance as a green house gas and requires carbon credits from Taco Bell.

  18. Bob B says:

    …thing about them is that they were all written on New Year’s Eve by a lonely, disillusioned and disgruntled staffer who had a fifth of Jack at his side and revenge in his heart.

  19. Bob B says:

    …one is the new “If You Like Your Freedoms You Can Keep Them Act”

  20. DamnCat says:

    …requires cats to wear dogtags.

  21. can of spam says:

    … government employees are required to bow toward Kenya and pray 5 times a day, at set times.

  22. SkyWatch says:

    …the word mannequins is now a banned word, punishable by jail time. The reason is most mannequins are female in origin since women do more of the shopping.

    …the word women is now a banned word, punishable by jail time. The reason is most females are female and should not have the word male in their gender name.

  23. SkyWatch says:

    Ment to type…they should not have the word “men” in their name.

  24. Writer says:

    … a Regulation banning Conservatives from filing lawsuits against the government.

  25. Iowa Jim says:

    . . . regulation states that all children under the age of eighteen are now eighteen (credit to Woody Allen for this one)

    . . . regulation prohibits former congressmen from New York from driving the Wienermobile

    . . . regulation requires that all taxpayers filing joint returns disclose who put the bomp in the bomp bomp bomp

  26. Oppo says:

    … concerns Fight Club. I don’t know what it says, though; I didn’t read it. This is just metadata.

    … attempts to define “is” once and for all.

  27. Oppo says:

    … redefines regulations as “rules,” meaning that they have listed no new regulations, including this one — which, if it wasn’t listed, does not apply . . .

  28. Oppo says:

    … still can’t compete with the “Paperwork Reduction Act,” which requires a Paperwork Reduction Act Compliance Notice to be printed on all federal forms, which often adds a page to the form.

  29. walruskkkch says:

    The Feds listed 141 new regs in 3 days. The wackiest…

    All your base are belong to us.

  30. walruskkkch says:

    The Feds listed 141 new regs in 3 days. The wackiest…

    Catch-22 now applicable for all Federal Employment.

    One is the loneliest number. Two can be as sad as One.

    ” 1. No poofters.
    2. No Federal Employee is to maltreat the “Conservatives” in any way whatsoever—if there’s anyone watching.
    3. No poofters.
    4. I don’t want to catch anyone not drinking in their room after lights out.
    5. No poofters.
    6. There is no… rule six.
    No poofters.”

    Federal Employees are NO longer required to wash their hands after administering an “Audit” of a US citizen.

    Dog is now a required part of the food pyramid.

    Anonymiss will be found, she WILL administer judgement.

  31. walruskkkch says:

    The Feds listed 141 new regs in 3 days. The wackiest…

    The Constitution of the United States of America will, from this point onward, be considered as “Suggestions” and enforced as such.

  32. Burt says:

    …concerns the elimination of the term ‘year’ as a measure of time and ‘light year’ as a measure of distance since these words are obviously terra-centric and thus not applicable in our advanced exploration into space.

  33. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …everybody must think happy thoughts about Obama otherwise they will be ‘wished into the cornfield’ by the NSA.

  34. blarg says:

    1) abstain from beans.
    2) Not to pick up what has fallen.
    3) Not to break bread.
    4) Not to step over a crossbar.
    5) Not to eat from whole loaf.
    6) Not to walk on highways.
    7) Do not look in a mirror beside a light.

  35. blarg says:

    1) No poofters.
    2) No member of the faculty is to maltreat the Conservatives in any way whatsoever—if there’s anyone watching.
    3) No poofters.
    4) I don’t want to catch anyone not drinking in their room after lights out.
    5) No poofters.
    6) There is no… rule six.
    7) No poofters.

  36. James says:

    Anonymiss must not make dog shaped cookies (or anything containing walnuts) lest Kim Jong Un interprets that as an act of aggression.

  37. blarg says:

    …the gender, race, and sexual preference of all Federal employees is now determined by quota, not the employee’s actual gender, race, or sexual preference.

  38. walruskkkch says:

    The Feds listed 141 new regs in 3 days. The wackiest…

    Pedantics will be slowly roasted over a fire until reaching an internal temperature of 180 degrees.

  39. TerribleTroy says:

    The wackiest new reg??

    Everyone must register at .gov and accept the new and updated “Terms & Conditions”. It is advised that you just scroll down and select yes without reading the actual “terms” ….just like you do when you sign up on other websites. Failure to register will cause the individual to be subject to “penalties.”

  40. blarg says:

    …not giving Obama full and exclusive credit for killing Bin Laden is punishable by IRS audit.

  41. Burt says:

    …Promises shall have no value unless stated with in the boundries of one of the five designated ‘Promise Zones’.

  42. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …ending a statement with ‘period!’ means that statement is not legally binding.

  43. Tater Salad says:

    the wackiest…..

    ….is EOB Staff being docked a month’s pay and reduction in GS rating for failure to monitor the market prices for marijuana in Colorado and Washington State.

  44. Steve H says:

    @38 Nothing like a big helping of pedantics with a side of taters and some of grannies ol’ fashion biscuit gravy…

  45. Gebiv says:

    All pencils must now be carbon-neutral. Pencil erasers now must contain a tree seed to be planted when the pencil -or eraser- is at the end of it’s useful life.

  46. FormerHostage says:

    I don’t think I’ve seen a list of winners for several days. What’s up with that? Is Anonymiss missing? Has anyone checked a milk carton?

  47. Matt Musson says:

    … Auditors talk like a Pirate Month at the IRS!
    For the entire month of April you must “hand over the booty or you’ll walk the plank!”

  48. can of spam says:

    @46: For what’s it’s wroth, I have an alibi.

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