(A Presidential press conference)
Fox News Reporter: Mr. President, given that about 5 million Americans have lost their health insurance as a result of the Obamacare rollout, what do you plan on doing to remedy this bind you have put them in?
President Obama: Well, um, let me be perfectly clear. Um, uh…..
Chris Matthews: Help me! Please help me! The thigh tingle from your anticipated response to that question was just too much. It would have been too perfect. It is spreading to my chest. I think I am having a heart attack.
St. Barack (rushes to the fallen Matthews): Do you have faith, my son? Do you have faith that Obamacare can heal you?
Matthews: I do. I do. You know I do.
St. Barack: Then rise up and walk.
Matthews (stands, reluctantly at first and then with confidence): I can stand. The pain is gone. I am healed. You be praised.
A sarcastic woman’s voice from the back of the room: Well, then heal me, if you can, my Lordship.
St. Barack: There is a presence here, a presence I haven’t felt since Fox News sponsored my debate.
The sarcastic voice: So, you remember me after all.
St. Barack: Ann Coulter. Yes, I thought I knew you. You are no mere woman. What is it that possesses you?
Coulter: Yes it is me, and it is not. (She raises her hand and Matthews flies into the air, clutches his chest and falls to a heap on the ground) Try and save your precious bootlick now. (She raises her hand again, and all the laptops in the room shatter and explode) Try logging onto healthcare.gov now.
St. Barack: He still breathes. Tend to him my disciples. (He pulls his Nobel Peace prize from around his neck and advances toward Coulter holding it in front of him)
Coulter: (Not backing down, she cockily reaches out and clutches the Nobel prize in her hand): You have to deserve the prize for this to work.
St. Barack: (Brandishes the prize with even more confidence)
Coulter: (quickly releases the prize as if burned, hisses and backs away) No, you don’t deserve it! You can’t deserve it! This is impossible!
St. Barack: Work quickly, my disciples. Restrain her. Bind her.
(Some reporters leap on her and bind her down with ropes)
Coulter: Ahhh! Is that hemp? It burns! It burns us!
St. Barack: Quickly. There is no time to lose. Does anyone have any hippy water? A bottle of hippy water? We need some hippy water.
Reporter 1: I do.
Reporter 2: I think I do to.
Reporter 3: So do I.
Reporter 4: Mine. Mine. Please use mine.
St. Barack: Pass the bottles forward. (rapidly he checks through the labels of the bottles of water that are passed forward). Made in Texas, no. And Texas again. No. No. And Texas again. Does anyone have water not bottled in Texas? Oh, here’s one. Organic natural spring water. No preservatives. Recycled bottle. Bottled in a vegan, polyamorous commune in Portland. Good. Good. (untwists the cap and gives it a whiff) Excellent bouquet. Do I detect a hint of cannabis? (swishes some around his mouth and spits it out) A slight hint of patchouli and a bold fecal undertone. Yes. This will do.
Reporter 5 (gleefully jumping up and down): Yay! He chose mine! He chose mine!
St. Barack: Nancy. Barney. Come and assist. Nancy, take the water. Barney, you read the exorcism litany. I’ll take the lead.
Coulter (deep, evil laughter): What have we here? A black priest? A Gay priest? A woman priest? Fairy tales! You have anything else that doesn’t exist to do battle with me? You gonna banish me with unicorn kisses and hope and change too?
St. Barack: Don’t listen to it. It’s going to try and get into your head. It’s going to try and weaken your faith, make you doubt your progressive values. It might even use logic against you. Don’t listen to it. Don’t let it in.
Coulter: Who let you out of the kitchen Nancy?
Nancy: I don’t want to hear it! I don’t want to hear it!
Coulter: And you, Mr. Frank. Why don’t you go back to the YMCA bath house with your Village People?
St. Barack: Pay it no heed.
Coulter: And you, Mr. President. For all your false bravado, for all your vaunted confidence, are you not the weakest of them all? In the past we owned you. You are property. 3/5 of a man. If that. You are nothing. Do you really think that you can rise above that? Be more than that?
St. Barack: Nancy, sprinkle. Barney, start the litany.
Nancy (sprinkling Coulter with hippy water): The power of Marx compels you!
Barney (chanting the litany): Let the ruling classes tremble at a Communist revolution. The proletarians have nothing to lose but their chains. They have a world to win. Working men of all countries, unite!
Coulter (screams): No! No! No! We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
Nancy: Blasphemy! Those words, those dark words! What is that foul language it spews? They make no sense! I cannot understand them! It has the foul reek of blasphemy! Censor it! We need to censor it!
St. Barack: Pay it no heed. It is trying to drive you mad. Do not try and understand its raving.
Nancy (sprinkles more hippy water): The power of Marx compels you!
Coulter (screams): Go make me a sandwich, witch!
Barney (chanting the litany): Bourgeois society ought long ago to have gone to the dogs through sheer idleness; for those of its members who work, acquire nothing, and those who acquire anything, do not work.
Coulter (screams): Don’t you have a male prostitute ring to run?
St. Barack: What is your name, demon? Tell me your name!
Coulter: Never! That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, –That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it!
Nancy: Its words. They cannot exist! They are in my head! I can’t get them out of my head! They must not exist! Censor it! Make it stop! Make it stop!
St. Barack: Pull yourself together, Nancy! Hippy water! Now! Now!
Nancy (sprinkles more hippy water): The power of Marx compels you.
Barney (chanting the litany): In place of the old bourgeois society, with its classes and class antagonisms, we shall have an association, in which the free development of each is the condition for the free development of all. From each according to his ability. To each according to his needs.
St. Barack: What is your name?
Coulter: Democracy and socialism have nothing in common but one word, equality. But notice the difference: while democracy seeks equality in liberty, socialism seeks equality in restraint and servitude.
Nancy (sprinkles water): This doesn’t seem to be working. Maybe we will have to cast the demons out so we can find out what demons are in her.
St. Barack: Just do the hippy water, Nancy. Leave the details to me.
Nancy (sprinkles hippy water): The power of Marx compels you.
Coulter (screams): How’s that glass ceiling working out for you, Nan?
Nancy (indignantly sprinkles more water)
Coulter (screams): The curious task of economics is to demonstrate to men how little they really know about what they imagine they can design.
Nancy (howls): Blasphemy! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! (pours whole bottle of hippy water on Coulter)
Coulter (screams agonizingly)
St. Barack: What is your name, devil? Tell me your name!
Coulter: Legion! Legion! We are Legion! Our hordes are infinite!
Coulter (with a British accent): I am John Locke.
Coulter (with a New England accent): I am Calvin Coolidge.
Coulter (with a French accent): I am Alexis de Tocqueville.
Coulter (with a cowboy accent): I am Ronald Reagan.
Coulter (with an Austrian accent): I am Friedrich von Hayek.
Coulter (with a Boston accent): I am John F. Kennedy.
Coulter (with a Spanish accent): I am…..
St. Barack (interrupting her): Wait, what? JFK?
Coulter (with a Boston accent): Well, I was already down here on account of the adultery and all. And, you know what they say: when in Hell…..Teddy is in here somewhere too. Chappaquiddick, you know. Oh, and here is one I bet you haven’t guessed yet. Bobby? Bobby, get up here.
Coulter (with a southern drawl): I am Robert Byrd.
St. Barack: What the sweet me? What are you doing in there? Come out of there this instant!
Coulter (with a southern drawl): You thought the bureaucracy in Washington was bad, just wait until you get to Hell. Drowning in red tape. Surprised anyone gets possessed or flayed at all anymore. Of course, you are tortured constantly while waiting for all the paperwork to clear, so it all works out. But, anyway, Legion needed to fill its racist quota, and none had signed up. Bull Connor was busy, and I still had my hood, so I figured I had nothing better to do. Any time away from the torture is good time, right? Did I cross the line with all those owning you and 3/5 comments? Did I go too far? Yeah, that was me, by the way. I mean, you’re half white, so I guess that really makes you 4/5, so my bad.
St. Barack: That is it! I cast you out! I cast you all out!
Coulter (back to Legion’s voice): You can’t. There are too many of us. You’ll never be sure you got us all, and even the smallest, contaminating thoughts of liberty and freedom can possess and entice one to action. So it appears we are at an impasse. But, didn’t I hear that you are the world’s smartest diplomat? Maybe we can work out a compromise.
St. Barack: Well, it’s true. I am the world’s smartest diplomat. Let’s negotiate.
Nancy (whispering in his ear): Are you sure you should be making a deal with a devil? That never seems to work out well.
St. Barack: Come on, Nancy. Look who you are talking to. I could do the devil’s job better than the devil could. The devil should be afraid to try and deal with me. Let’s get to it Legion.
(meeting montage between St. Barack and Ann Coulter full of graphs and charts and figures)
St. Barack: In review, let’s make sure we have this straight. You will all leave Ann Coulter if I let you enter into that herd of reporters? Let me do the math on that real quick. Let’s see, one Ann Coulter in exchange for a room full of reporters. Yep, according to my calculations that all balances out. No deficit there. And, yep, the CBO agrees with me.
Legion: Yep. It’s a win-win. You get to convert the biggest anti-liberal in America, and we still get folks to possess. Liberal reporters are a dime a dozen. You can scoop up the next crop off any college campus. Deal?
St. Barack: Stop trying to convince me. I’d already decided. Deal. So how do I do this?
Legion: Just a bit of the hippy water and cast us into the swine, I mean, reporters.
St. Barack (sprinkles hippy water): Legion, I cast you out! Into the reporter swine!
Herd of Reporters in unison: Ahhhhh! What is this? What are these concepts we are thinking? What is this? Is this reason? Is this what it feels like to think? We have never experienced this before. It burns! Make it stop! Make it stop! Cognitive dissonance is not enough. This is madness! Insanity! (The herd crashes through the windows and plummets to its death)
Coulter: I’m clean. I’m free. I’m truly free. I can’t think anymore. I can’t reason. I can only feel. Your words. Your thoughts. They are all I need. For the first time in my life, I am at peace. Thank God. Thank God, I am free.
St. Barack: Do not thank God, my child, thank me. For God is not real. He is a mere figment keeping you in chains. I have freed you from Him. You need not bitterly cling any longer.
Coulter: But if the demons were real..
St. Barack: Shhhh, shhhhhhh, be at peace. No thoughts. No thoughts. Leave the thinking to me. I am real, my child. I am all that is real. Thank me. Thank me.
Coulter (weeping): Thank you. Thank you.
St. Barack: Now go forth and spread my word, my child. Win the future, in my name.
Fox News Reporter: Mr. President? Mr. President? Are you going to answer? Should I repeat the question? I guess so. What do you have to say to those 5 million Americans that have lost their health insurance during the Obamacare rollout?
President Obama: It appears time is up. No further questions at this time.
(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)