The Secret Life of Barack Obama Part 3

Posted on January 16, 2014 11:04 am

(Presidential press conference)

Fox News Reporter: Politifact has recently awarded you the Lie of the Year for your claim that if you like your healthcare plan you can keep your healthcare plan, and Reason Online has recently published an article outlining the 12 big lies that Obamacare was founded upon.  Americans I have spoken with have a really hard time believing that you were so in the dark regarding both the way Obamacare would function and the erroneousness of the financial claims surrounding it.  Would you care to comment?

President Obama: Well, um, uh, let me be perfectly clear…

Reporter: Did you really believe what you were saying at the time, and did you really expect this to turn out differently?  Could you please explain your reasoning behind why you believed this policy would be anything other than a fiasco?

Obama Wonka: Certainly!  Just come into my dream factory, and I will show you how all the magic happens.  This is the wondrous place where all of the hope and change gets made, children.  Without the constraining realities of human nature and the laws of economics, whatever I dream becomes reality, and you know what the most exciting part of it all is, children?  Do you?  It’s free!  It is all free!

Child Reporter 1 (Augustus): Wow!

Child Reporter 2 (Violet): This is amazing!

Child Reporter 3 (Veruca): Everything anyone has ever wanted!

Child Reporter 4 (Mike): There is such a thing as a free lunch!

Obama Wonka:  Go ahead.  Help yourself.  Go on.


Hold your breath
Make a wish
Count to three

Augustus: Look!  Over here!  By increasing demand and reducing supply we can increase access to healthcare while bending the cost curve down all without creating shortages.

Obama Wonka: [Singing]
Come with me
And you’ll be
In a world of
Pure imagination
Take a look
And you’ll see
Into your imagination

Violet:  Look!  Look!  Free cellphones.  And four millions sustainable green energy jobs.

Obama Wonka: [Singing]

We’ll begin
With a spin
Traveling in
The world of my creation
What we’ll see
Will defy

Veruca: OMG, it’s a tree, an expert tree, growing the most beautiful bureaucrats.  Experts so smart they can micromanage an economy to create wealth and prosperity for even the least motivated citizens all while sustaining high economic growth and without compromising individual economic freedom and liberty.

Obama Wonka: [Singing]

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta change the world?
There’s nothing
To it

Mike: Hey, everybody!  Watch this.  I can’t take my gun into this zone.  I literally can’t!  Come here.  Try it.  Try it.

Obama Wonka: [Singing]

There is no
Life I know
To compare with
Pure imagination
Living there
You’ll be free
If you truly wish to be

Violet: I can!  I can keep my healthcare plan!  But why would I want to? The one you have chosen for me is so much better!

Obama Wonka: [Singing]

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta change the world?
There’s nothing
To it

Mike: Oh look, Iran only wanted clean, energy efficient nuclear power after all.  Oh, and they are sharing it with Israel.

Obama Wonka: [Singing]

There is no
Life I know
To compare with
Pure imagination
Living there
You’ll be free
If you truly
Wish to be

Augustus: Mmmmm.  This is delicious!

Obama Wonka: No!  No!  You must not touch that!  That is my river of comforting fantasies and cognitive dissonance.  It runs everything I do.  It must never come into contact with anything that is real.

Augustus (screams and falls into river)

Violet: Oh no!  What will happen to him?

Obama Wonka: Hmmm.  I’m not really sure.  I guess that depends upon how strongly he was rooted in reality.  What network was he from again?

Violet: MSNBC.

Obama Wonka: Oh, he’ll be fine.  I think he will be fine.  I’m pretty sure he’ll be fine.  (plays a tune on a whistle)

Oompa Loompa (scurries over)

Obama Wonka (whispers to Oompa Loompa): I’m pretty sure Augustus has become one with the fantasy, but check all the filters and make sure to clear out any little bits of reality that may be clogging them up just in case.

Oompa Loompas (dancing and singing):

Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-doo,
I’ve got a perfect puzzle for you.
Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-dee,
If you are wise you’ll listen to me.
What do you get when you question the  plan?
A knock on your door from the IRS man.
What are you at doubting my change like that?
What do you think will come of that?
I don’t like the look of it
Oompa Loompa do-ba-dee-da,
Give hope a chance you will go far.
You will live in happiness too,
Like the oompa loompa do-ba-dee-doo.

Obama Wonka: Now come this way, children, and I will show you my most secret creation of all.

Mike: What is it?

Obama Wonka: It’s an everlasting thoughtstopper.

Violet: An everlasting thoughtstopper?  What does it do?

Obama Wonka: It’ll last forever.  You can suck it and suck it and suck it, and it never gets any smaller.  It’s created from layers upon layers of sugary, soothing lies and blissful, wishful thinking repeated over and over and over again. Unless you can manage to break past those layers, you will never find the big load of BS at the center.  We’re feeding these to everybody.

Oompa Loompa (whispers in Wonka’s ear)

Obama Wonka (whispering back to Oompa Loompa): You say that Charlie and his uncle drank the Fuzzy Logic Lifting Drink and got killed by a fan?  That’s all according to plan.  There are no winners in my game.

Fox News Reporter: Mr. President?  Mr. President?  By handing out Obamacare waivers to your political allies and supporters, many are accusing you of picking winners and losers.  Do you care to comment?

President Obama: Let me be perfectly clear.  I truly believe that once everything settles, everyone will be a winner under Obamacare.  Now, time appears to be up.  No further questions.

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1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (6 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

11 Responses to “The Secret Life of Barack Obama Part 3”

  1. Steve H says:

    You sir are truly amazing.

  2. Oppo says:

    Much funnier than anything that’s been on Saturday Night Live for the last, oh, twenty years.

  3. Oppo says:

    Obama should end every one of his “You can keep it” promises with “Wait — Strike that — reverse it.”

    (And every press conference with “Gotta go. So much time, so little to do!”)

    The scene in the movie where Wonka finds the clause in the contract that Charlie and his grandfather violated is too eerily similar to Roberts’ ruling on the “Affordable” “Care” Act to even need parodying.

  4. Lactose the Intolerant says:

    @3 I can’t believe I forgot the ‘strike that reverse it ‘ line. That would have worked in perfectly.

  5. AT says:

    Also enjoyable is the immediate aftermath of their romp in the dream factory. When they’re trapped on the boat ride from hell, in utter horror as Obama Wonka shrieks insanely at them.

  6. Oppo says:

    “Obama Wonka: It’ll last forever. You can suck it and suck it and suck it, and it never gets any smaller.”

    “Embrace the suck.”

    “Fox News Reporter: Mr. President? Mr. President? Can we get any comment for the record at all?”

    Obama Wonka: “You should open your mouth wider when you talk.”

    Reporter, referring to the situation in Syria: “It’s blowing up like a balloon!”

    Obama Wonka: “Like a Blue Beret.”

  7. Oppo says:

    Veruca (pointing to other girl’s guns…or kids…or incomes): “She’s got TWO!”

    Obama Wonka (scoldingly): “One is enough for anyone, and one is all anyone needs.”


    I can’t help picturing the MSM in the role of the Oompa-Loompas!

  8. Anonymiss says:

    Awesome. Cookies to Lactose!

  9. Lactose the Intolerant says:

    @7 Yeah, there was a lot of untapped potential with this setting. I’m incredibly busy right now, and it was a rush job just to post something. I was almost embarrassed to post it.

  10. Lactose the Intolerant says:

    @7 maybe I should send you the first drafts so you can punch them up for me.

  11. RAML says:

    I will give you a 10 as opposed to Janeane Garofalo who gets a -100 because he/she/it is so boring

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