McDonough: Mr. President, now that we have had another elementary school shooting, the team thinks the timing is ideal to change the subject back to tighter gun control laws.
President Obama: Yes, of course, of course.
McDonough: Your allies have been wondering if you have considered how we would like to proceed. What is the status of your current plans?
Barack Bauer: So, what is the status report, Agent Smith?
Agent Smith: Arab terrorists have taken over Barack H. Obama Elementary. They are holding a large number of the children hostage inside.
Agent Biden: Arab terrorists? Unpossible! It can’t be! The terrorists last season were Arab.
Barack Bauer: He’s right. That would never make it past the network executives. This doesn’t make any sense. I don’t like this. Not one bit. OK, team, before we go in, I need you all to go back to the transport and leave all your weapons in the back.
Agent Smith: What?
Barack Bauer: You heard me. That elementary school is a gun-free zone, and they have a zero tolerance weapons policy. We have to respect that.
Agent Smith: What? Are you insane? The terrorists will be armed! You can’t expect us to go in there with nothing!
Barack (grabbing Agent Smith by the throat and pushing him against the wall): Those terrorists in there have one aim in mind. They want to destroy our way of life, all at once if they can but piece by piece if they must. If we let our fear of them cause us to abandon the principles we hold so dear, then they have already won. If we take our weapons into that school, the terrorists have already beaten us! Now get out of my sight and don’t come back until you are disarmed! That goes for all of you! Move it! Move it!
Agent Biden: Maybe I could just stand here right at the edge of the school grounds and snipe them through the door with my shotgun?
Barack Bauer: That’s why I love you simple Joe. Your shotgun won’t even shoot that far, let alone penetrate the door. You don’t know anything about guns.
Agent Biden (pouting): Well, maybe I’d know more if you’d let me play with your guns sometime. (muttering to himself) I know where he keeps them. I’ll figure out that child lock eventually.
(The team reassembles, unarmed now)
Barack Bauer: Now that you are disarmed, we are ready to begin our assault. No wait. Something still doesn’t seem right. (carefully looking over his team) Yes that’s it. Can you see what I am talking about, Joe? Do you see the problem?
Agent Biden: Um, no one has any guns?
Barack Bauer: No. Well, yes, but no. Look around you. Do you not see the similarity in all the faces staring back at you?
Agent Biden: Yes. I see it now. You are the token black guy. Sorry, I mean colored person. I mean, Indonesian American. I get so confused. I get it, though. That means you are either going to be killed first or run away.
Barack Bauer: Yes, no. That’s not what I meant. I’m not going to get killed or run away. I’ve got a five year contract. No matter what happens here, I will be surviving it. What I am saying is if we want a chance at beating these terrorists, we need to assemble the best, most progressive team possible. We need the strength and power that can only come through diversity. A bunch of white guys with one token minority just isn’t going to cut it. Disperse, and don’t come back until you have a team that looks like a skewed cross section of America. Quickly, we have no time to lose. Children could be dying as we speak.
Agent Biden: But I don’t want you to go in without me. Don’t leave me alone out here.
Barack Bauer: Don’t worry. You know you always fill my aged, mentally challenged quota.
Agent Smith: Sir, I would be remiss not to remind you that we are the only trained assault forces on site. Everyone else is analysts, tech geeks or other support staff. We are the best hope you’ve got.
Barack Bauer: You just don’t understand how the world works. I will take the power of diversity over skill, knowledge and qualifications any day. I don’t have time to argue with you. Just do it. Go! Go! Go!
(The team reassembles and the assault team has been replaced with a mishmash of men and women of all races)
Barack Bauer: Beautiful! Beautiful! With such a rainbow coalition, we cannot fail.
Agent Biden: Oh hey! Agent Simmons! I haven’t seen you since the accident. Stand up and give me a hug!
Agent Dineshanahasapeemapetalon: Um, maybe you should come down here. She is kind of in a wheelchair.
Agent Biden: Hey, don’t you work at the 7-11 down on Pennsylvania Avenue?
Agent Dineshanahasapeemapetalon: I have a PhD in mathematics and work here designing software to break high security encryptions, and I decode intercepted transmissions in real time. I have never worked at a convenience store in my life.
Agent Biden: Are you sure? I’ll give you five bucks if you can guess my favorite Slurpee.
Agent Nubuto (voice quivering): Sir, Bauer, sir. I’m scared. I haven’t been trained for this. I just run errands for the Sergeant. I don’t even know how to use a gun, sir.
Barack Bauer: Not to worry. Where we are going, you won’t need a gun. When I made all of the shooting ranges gun-free zones, you laughed at me. Well, who’s laughing now? I was preparing you for situations just like this one right now. Admittedly, we are going to be outgunned. But we have something that these religious fanatics don’t have.
Agent Biden: Is it diversity?
Barack Bauer: No, well, yes we do have diversity, but that isn’t what I was alluding to.
Agent Dineshanahasapeemapetalon: Is it bullet-proof vests? We can take a bullet-proof vest, right?
Barack Bauer: No it’s not, but yes you can take your vests. That’s fine.
Agent Biden: What? We can take our Kevlar? I thought we had to leave all our gear in the transport. Can you wait a bit for me to get my stuff?
Barack Bauer: We don’t have time for this. Who else forgot their gear?
Agent Sanchez (raising hand): I’m an analyst. I don’t even have gear.
Agent Luca: Me neither. I was just a driver.
Agent Xi: Is it common sense? Is that what we have that they don’t have? It doesn’t feel like it’s common sense.
Agent Smith: Of course, it’s not common sense. If it were common sense, we’d be taking our weapons.
Barack Bauer: No, no, no! I wish I had a teleprompter that could make you all just shut up and listen. You’ve totally screwed up my timing and delivery. The moment is gone now, so you are all gonna have to go into this unmotivated too. The thing that we have that these religious fanatics don’t have is belief. OK. It’s belief. We believe in something, and they don’t. Now, let’s go rescue some children. Oh, and one more thing before we go. HR said I was required to remind you of this. CTU had to drop your medical coverage because it didn’t cover transgender reassignment surgery, and due to some issues with healthcare.gov, we have no way of knowing whether any of you currently have health insurance, so if it looks like you are going to get injured, try and make it fatal. The government hasn’t messed with your life insurance yet, so we know you are covered there.
Agent Smith (mumbling under his breath): My money is on a very diverse funeral.
(Ticking clock. Commercial break)
(As luck would have it, for the first time ever, something of consequence happened during the 5 minute commercial break. All of the CTU diversity agents have been captured and bound and are currently at the mercy of Mo the terrorist. We join his dialog with Barack already in progress.)
Barack Bauer: It’s as if you knew exactly where each of us was every step of the way.
Chloe (from his earpiece): That’s because they did, Barack. I was telling them. Yes, Barack, I was the mole all along.
Barack Bauer: No!!!!!!
Chloe: Yes!!!!! And I have one other thing to confess. I don’t really love you, Barack. I never loved you. It was all a ruse to get close to you.
Barack: No!!!! And I fell for it. You were just homely enough that I believed I would have a chance with you.
Chloe: As if! Now could you just do me a favor and die? Take him out for me, Mo, my love. Allah u Akbar.
Mo: Allah u Akbar. Hold him down, and expose his neck. Set up the camera, and I’ll get my knife.
Barack Bauer: No wait. You don’t have to do this. Let me introduce myself to you. I am Barack HUSSEIN Bauer. Yes, Mo. I am your brother in arms. Dar al Islam forever!
Mo: No, you are a traitor from the west, whatever you may profess to be. You are no Jihadi! You are no mujahedeen!
Barack Bauer: That is where you are wrong. Violence will never bring about Dar al Islam. Dar al Islam will come by the winning of hearts, not the chopping of necks.
Mo: No, my brother. It is you who is the one who is wrong. The waging of Jihad is the pinnacle of Islam.
Barack Bauer: And has that ever worked for us yet? What of Sura 17 which states: “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” If our situation were reversed, would you wish me to severe your head?
Mo: And what of Sura 123 which states: “Death to the Great Satan America! AIIEEIIEIIEIIEIIEIIEIIEIEIIE!” It does not matter what I wish. Only the will of Allah matters. Prepare to die now, and if I am wrong about you, then you will die a martyr’s death and your virgins await you.
Barack Bauer: I beg you to reconsider.
Mo: Ok. I have reconsidered. I’m convinced. Give me a hug, my brother. You are right. Violence never solved anything. Let everybody go. (to Barack Bauer) Is there any good falafel around here? I’m starving.
McDonough: Barack? Barack? So, what should I do? Should I rally the troops or are we going to let this tragedy go to waste?
President Obama: Well, of course we can’t let it go to waste. We need more distractions from Obamacare anyway.