Reid: Of course we are on board with your push to reduce income inequality, but we are worried about how to brand it.
President Obama: I know, I know. You don’t have to explain it to me. I’m the smartest man in the room. What do you mean?
Reid: I know. But we need to plan this right. We have to spin the programs so they don’t appear to be blatant income redistribution. That will never fly in the current atmosphere. We have to sell this to the public in a way that we haven’t gone before.
Captain James T. Barack (voice over): Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Socailize. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before, and to bring them the social justice, equality and freedom that can only come through submission to the yoke of the state.
(Star Trek theme song)
Captain Barack: I just want to congratulate everyone on another job well done. This calls for a celebration. In an excellent example of following our prime directive, of interfering with all alien cultures and bringing them under the wise hand of the Federation, we have gone to Ardana, cast those uppity upper class individuals living in Stratos back to the surface where they can mine the zenite side by side with the troglodytes all for the greater good of the Federation. The caste system is abolished, equality is achieved and the planet’s resources are now in the wise hands of the Federation planners to distribute as they know best. Long live the Federation! Free drinks for everyone tonight!
Sulu (wearing a female uniform and joyfully jumping up and down): Oh, hurra! Hurra! Hurra!
Captain Barack: Except for you, Sulu. You’re already drunk. In fact, you’re on the verge of becoming flamboyantly drunk and we have learned by sad experience that that is only one step away from hitting on me.
Sulu (slurring and giggling): Oh, who are you to judge? You’re such a flaming xenosexual. How many troglodytes did you have to sleep with on this mission? Not that there is anything wrong with that.
Captain Barack: Just the queen. At least, I think it was the queen. It can be hard to distinguish which sex is which with aliens, and sometimes you have three or four genders to choose from. But somehow I always manage to leave them wanting more. And, except for those species that eat their mate, it’s the safest sex in the universe. Incompatible DNA is foolproof birth control, and my physiology is so foreign to alien STDs, the germs don’t even know how to infect me. That’s why I married a Klingon. Or was it Sasquatch? I’ve slept with so many things I forget.
Sulu (purring): Ooooooo. All that dirty talk gets me so hot and bothered. You sure you don’t want to boldly go where many men have gone before?
Captain Barack: This is exactly that flamboyantly drunk I was talking about….
Spock: Captain, a ship is decloaking right in front of us. It is a Kkkhristian Bird of Pray. They are trying to communicate, sir.
Captain Barack: Put them on the screen.
(The Kkkhristian crew appears on the view screen. They are bitter, clingy, bearded, suspendered, gun-toting rednecks)
Captain Barack: Kkkhan!
Kkkhan: Ah, so you do remember me, Captain. I’m glad you remember. I remember you as well. I remember when President Cuomo decreed that Kkkonservatives and Kkkhristians had no place on earth. How we were not ‘one of you.’ I remember how you rounded us up and left us on that desert waste of Ceti Alpha V to languish and die. I remember. Oh, yes, Captain Barack. I remember.
Captain Barack: I too, remember. You were criminals. Rebels. Violent religious extremists. You were terrorists, sucking the world’s resources to bring about your prophesied apocalypse.
Kkkhan: Lies. All lies. That is what the Federation wanted you to believe. That is what the media told you. We only wanted peace and to be left alone to follow our faith without the strong arm of the state forcing us into compliance with and into the servitude of its whims.
Captain Barack: Women needed birth control and abortions. Women had to be free to fulfill their dreams. Homosexuality had to be celebrated. I wanted to be promiscuous with alien species without the social stigma. It had to be done. You were dangerous, uncontrollable. And you were winning the hearts and minds of the youth with your fanatical fantasies. We did what was best. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. It was for the greater good.
Kkkhan: Ah, yes. The greater good! And who decides what is the greater good? Who determines need? That is he who wields the ultimate power. Whom do you trust with that power? The leaders of the Federation? You? That always ends in slavery.
Captain Barack: That sounds like racist talk to me.
Spock: Captain, that is most illogical.
Captain Barack: No one asked you, Spock. I know racism when I hear it.
Uncle Tom: Race has nothing to do with it.
Kkkhan: My uncle speaks truly. It has naught to do with your race and all to do with the entire human race, all of humanity. You are a believer. I understand that. I am a believer as well, Captain. I believe that power should be dilute and vested within the individual. And you? You believe that power should be concentrated in the state. You trust the state completely with this power. I do not. Your belief leads inexorably to powerless individuals. To slaves. All we wished was to opt out of this. To have our freedom, and you banished us.
Captain Barack: Racists! You heard them. They are all racists!
Spock: Captain, that is still most illogical.
Captain Barack: No one still asked you, Spock. We were right to exile you!
Kkkhan: Exile us? Exile us? You left us there to die! But our faith sustained us. Freed from the shackles of your Federation, we became strong. We thrived! Freedom always finds a way. And now we are stronger than you ever imagined, stronger than you ever could become, bound as you are.
Captain Barack: So, that is what this is about? You think you are strong now, strong enough to take your revenge on us.
Kkkahn: Oh, no, Captain. You misunderstand, me. You misunderstand. Let me be perfectly clear. We don’t believe in revenge. We have forgiven you. That is our way. You knew not what you were doing. And you still don’t. You are an ideologue. All you do is clouded by your beliefs that you cling to so desperately and bitterly despite witnessing their failure time and time again.
Captain Barack: Then what are you doing here?
Kkkhan: Ceti Alpha V is harsh. Barely habitable. There are very little resources, and, despite our best efforts, we will not be able to survive there for many more generations. We want to make the planet habitable. We want the Genesis Project. And then we want the Federation to leave us alone to live as we wish. That is all we ask in exchange for your past crimes against us. We deserve at least that.
Captain Barack: Racists like you deserve nothing. And you will get nothing from me. Your beliefs are poison. The only mistake we made was leaving you with a slim chance of living when we should have squashed such damaging thoughts and speech out of existence entirely. We should have dumped you in a black hole.
Sulu (giggling): Now you are racist, Captain.
Captain Barack: What? Oh yeah. Maybe I should call it an African American hole.
Spock: That is most illogical. The term ‘black hole’ is not racist. African American hole actually sounds much, much worse.
Captain Barack: I’m calling it an African American hole anyway from now on just to be safe.
Kkkhan: But back to the matter at hand, Captain. If you are going to be so niggardly, then you leave us no choice.
Captain Barack: I can’t believe you just said that. You are so racist!
Kkkhan: Dear sweet mother of pearl! How could we ever allow ourselves to be imprisoned by such ignorant fools?
Spock: Captain, the word ‘niggardly‘ is not racist and has no etymological ties whatsoever with the n-word, and its origins predate the n-word by at least several centuries. Had you needed to score high on the SAT verbal, you would have learned that.
Captain Barack: No one asked you, Spock.
Kkkhan: But once again, let me return to the matter at hand. Since you will not comply with our requests, then you leave us no choice. We will disable your ship. We will take the Genesis Project. And we will leave you stranded on Ceti Alpha V like you left us. Let’s see how well you survive, Captain James Tiberius Barack. Chekov, disable the Socialize’s shields.
Chekov (grabbing his head in pain): I’m sorry, Captain. They have done something to me. I’m not sure what. I think I’ve been converted. I must comply. (pushes buttons) The Socialize is defenseless Kkkhan.
Kkkhan: Fire! Fire at will!
(explosions and confusion)
Captain Barack: KKKHAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
(view screen shuts off)
Spock: What will we do, Captain?
Captain: Just move quickly. It doesn’t matter in what direction. They are stupid, unscientific Kkkhristians. They can barely think in one-dimension. Two on their brightest day. Just move out of their line of site and start firing. They will think we somehow disappeared. They’ll be a sitting duck dynasty. See! It’s working! They are clearly confused! It’s like evolution class all over again. Fire! Fire! Fire!
Sulu: Oh, you know I will. I just love firing off those long, sleek torpedoes. And the photon ones too.
Reid: Barack? Barack?
Barack: Don’t worry. I’m too smart to deal with the minutiae. I’m sure whatever you and Nan decide will be fine. You did such a bang up job with Obamacare.
(I’m wondering if this ‘secret life’ schtick has played itself out. I live to serve. I can drop it or keep it going. If you have a preference one way of the other, drop me a line)