*courtroom goes silent as the judge slams gavel repeatedly* oh, carry on guys. just putting this desk together.
— chuuch (@ch000ch) January 30, 2014
Great news! Discovery Channel picked up my series, where I fly around the world blowing bong hits into dangerous animal's faces.
— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) January 30, 2014
Ladies call me decaf because nobody wants me but they'll take me if there's nothing else. Also there's no real purpose for my existence.
— Mike Bianchi (@Mike_Bianchi) January 30, 2014
No one loves animals more than me. If I see a cat cough up a hairball, I make sure to put it back in
— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) January 30, 2014
why am i the only one who remembers the mentos ad where they burn the cross on the lawn and then they show the mentos and everything's okay
— john freiler (@johnfreiler) January 31, 2014
One more question, Mr. President. If Mario was invincible and he petted a dog, would it kill the dog?
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) January 31, 2014
Bill Ayers. Nothing sadder than a revolutionary on a pension. You never saw Emiliano Zapata at a CVS counter arguing about an EDD co-pay.
— Dennis Miller Show (@DennisDMZ) January 31, 2014