It’s Always Sunny in Washington DC: Barack and Joe Prepare for the State of the Union – The End

Posted on February 3, 2014 10:30 am

(The gang are in the Oval Office working on the State of the Union Address and trying to get Hillary to try the tobacco juice to see if it is safe)

Biden: But, seriously, Hill.  I’m, like, totally sorry for all those sexy comments.  Seriously.

Hillary: Sexist comments.

Biden: Yeah, that’s what I meant.  Sexist comments.  Let me make it up to you.  Have some juice. This is some special, high quality stuff.  Michelle says this is, like,  the same juice the US Olympic team is drinking every morning in Sochi.

Bill: Dude!  You in to product placement now, too?  How much they paying you to say that?

Biden: Dude, what are you talking about?  What are you even talking about?

Bill: Product placement, dude.  Advertising. That is where the money is.  You’re a celebrity now.  You need to jump on the endorsement wagon train, dude.  Is that what smells like blueberry cigars?

Biden: What?  No.  Of course not, dude.  Who would make blueberry cigar juice? Who would do that?  That would be crazy!  Who would do that?  But what’s with you and the blueberry cigars, dude?  When did that become a thing?

Bill: Monica was into some weird stuff, dude. Freaky stuff.  Her ‘tell-all’ didn’t tell nearly all of what she did with that cigar, dude.  Not nearly all.  Didn’t tell any of her quirky stuff.  You ever see 9 ½ weeks?  You ever see that?  You see that, dude?

Hillary: 9 ½ weeks?  Ha!  With you?  Try 9 ½ seconds.

Bill: Shut up!  No one asked you, witch.  Why are you even still here?  But anyway, she had this blow up Willie Wonka blueberry suit and this freaky orange midget and those cigars.  I can’t tell you what she did with the midget and the cigars.  Literally, I can’t.  It was so bad I roofied myself afterwards, so I know it was some bad, freaky stuff, dude.  I only roofie myself when it’s so bad I can’t bear to remember it, dude. I still wake up at night with that freaky oopma loompa song clanging around in my head, and I’m totally shriveled and shaky.  But the most important thing is choosing the right roofie dude, which is why I always use Shame-Away brand forget-me-nows.  That’s Shame-Away from Glaxo-Smithcline.  Ask for it by name.  See, dude. Product placement. I get $150 every time I say that.  You just have to sign this witness form to vouch for me.  Just sign there and there, and your social there, good, and your mother’s maiden name, and your Visa account number and PIN.  Perfect.  And bam, I just made $150.  It’s just that easy.  I can hook you up if you want, but back to Monica, dude.  The worst thing I can remember.  The worst thing, dude.  The worst was Thanksgiving.  There was this thing she did with cranberries, a turkey leg, a wishbone and an Apache squaw that was too freaky even for me.  It was like 9 ½ Weeks 2: The Biggest Loser.  You will never want to have anything to do with food or reproduction ever again, dude.  Never again.  I still can’t eat Thanksgiving dinner, dude. Not eating it.

Barack: Dude, why are you even here?  Can’t you see we’re busy? We’re working here.  We’re working and you are totally distracting us.  You’re a total distraction.

Bill: Where three or four of you losers are gathered together, I just know there is something mockable going on. There is something going on that I need to mock.  Besides, I’m taking a break.  I just finished going around the neighborhood and informing everyone that I was a registered sex offender.

Barack: Dude, why?  Why, dude? You don’t have to do that.  I totally pardoned you for all that stuff.  Totally pardoned.

Bill: I know, dude.  I know. But it’s great, dude.  It’s the best way I’ve ever found to keep those blasted kids off my lawn. It works, dude.  It totally works, and I get to see where all the cute chicks in the neighborhood live. Got three dates, dude.

Hillary: You know I am standing right here, don’t you.  You can see me right here?  I can hear you, dude.

Biden: Just ignore him.  Here, try the juice.  What do you think?

Hillary (sips the juice): OMG! That is vile!  That is so vile!  Get that away from me!

Kerry: Dudes, dudes, dudes, we are losing track of why we are here.  We need to choose the winning state dude.  That’s step one, really.  Can’t get far until we choose the state of the union, dudes.  I’m voting for Texas, dudes.

Barack: Texas! Are you insane, dude? Are you insane? Not Texas.  Never Texas.

Kerry: Texas!  Of course Texas. Texas is badass.  We need that on our side, dude. We need that popularity boost.  That’s the state we need at our back, dude.

Barack: I don’t know what state wins, but it sure isn’t Texas, dude. Anyone but Texas, dude.

Kerry: You’re just saying that cause you couldn’t survive there.  Couldn’t survive. You aren’t tough enough. Don’t have my training.  You ever been there?  You ever been there, dude?

Barack: Of course I’ve never been there.  That is why I have the body doubles, dude.  I’m not going down there.  Three of them never made it back out. They just disappeared, dude.  Gone.  They’re just gone.  Then Bush shows up to visit showing off his new black leather coat and boots.  Threat perceived, dude.  Threat perceived.

Kerry: Totally.  That’s what I’m talking about.  They still like execute people and stuff down there.  Totally executing every day, right out in public, too.  Right in the playground so the kids can watch.  Executions aren’t cruel and unusual down there.  They are cruel and usual.  Totally usual, dude.  True story. I was down there during execution season.  And do you know how the governor chooses who to pardon, dude?  You seen his program? You seen what he does?  They haul out about a dozen of those electric chairs, put them in a circle and start playing the music.  Musical electric chairs, dude.  Musical electric chairs. And that was just for moving violations.  Just for traffic tickets, dude. Don’t let them catch you speeding in Texas. Don’t mess with Texas, dude.  They’ll mess you back.  Mess you back good.

Barack: No, no, no, no.  Texas is not going to be state of the union this year.  Not gonna happen, dude.

Hillary: Hand that juice back over here, Joe. It is so vile, but I have a strange craving for it.  I can’t stop drinking it. Give it here! Give it to me!  GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

Biden: That’s cause your body is craving all those vitamins and minerals, dude.  That’s normal, dude.  Totally normal.

Kerry: Well, then what state am I secretary of again?  Can we choose that state?  I want the perks, dude.

Hillary (licking every drop of the juice from the glass): More, Joe!  Give me more!  I want more!  More now!  More!  More!  More!

Bill: So, what are you all working on here?

Barack: That state of the union address thingie, dude.  Got to make it decent this year.

Bill: You’re too late for that, dude. That was like, last week or something.

Barack: No way, dude.  Seriously?  Seriously dude? I don’t remember it at all.

Bill: It was excruciating, dude.  Totally excruciating.  That’s why we all took a bunch of Shame-Away brand forget-me-nows.  Minds are totally wiped clean, dudes.  Totally clean.  That’s why I always use Shame-Away brand forget-me-nows.  That’s Shame-Away from Glaxo-Smithcline.  Ask for it by name.  I only remember on account of I saw it mentioned in the paper the next day.  Gave me an awful flashback.  By the way, can you sign this witness form for me? Thanks.

Kerry: So what state won?

Hillary (retching violently): I think I’m gonna die, dudes.  More juice. I think I need more juice!  Joe, is that you? If it is, then bring me some more blasted juice! NOW!  NOW, JOE!  NOW! NOW! NOW!

Biden: That’s totally normal, dude.  You’re body is just purging the toxins.  You’re purging the toxins, dude.

Bill: What’s up with her?  Did she catch a glimpse of herself naked or something?

Barack: See, I told you you couldn’t juice tobacco, dude.  Listen to me next time.  I know everything, dude.  Don’t forget that, dude.

Biden: Guess I better go outside and get my fix the old fashioned way.  I guess trying to escape smoking is like trying to find another cigarette with the bold, smooth taste and smokeability of Phillip Morris.  Pointless.  It’s a sure sign of a good time, dudes.  So how do I get people to pay me for saying stuff like that?

Barack: You think we should call an ambulance?

Bill: No worries.  I think she got most of it out.  Hey, Hill.  Make sure you clean up after yourself when you are done.  You totally reek.

Hillary (moaning): You guys really suck.  I hate you all so much. No, no. no. no.  Leave the juicer. LEAVE THE JUICER, JOE!  DON’T YOU DARE TAKE THAT JUICER!

Barack: You sure she’s gonna be okay?

Bill: She’ll be fine, dude.  She is, like, exempt from Obamacare and stuff.

Barack: What, dude? Obama what?

Bill: You been shaming-away a lot of stuff, dude.  Probably for the best, dude. Probably for the best. Most of America would like to shame it away too, dude. To bad Obamacare doesn’t cover Shame-Away.  You should be passing it out like birth control, dude.

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