Lactose the Intolerant’s Valentine’s Day Tips

Posted on February 13, 2014 3:00 pm

For those of you who, unlike me, have procrastinated making Valentine’s Day plans and purchasing gifts, here are some tips to celebrating the holiday that have helped me in the past.

  • I challenge any women to tell the difference between the See’s Chocolates fresh from the store and the slightly marred ones I salvaged from their dumpster
  • When looking for flowers, funeral homes and cemeteries always have the nicest arrangements
  • It may seem like a good idea to give housekeeping supplies as a gift, but that is never well received
  • Make sure the escort you order is less attractive than your significant other
  • While surprises may be exciting, it is sometimes best to talk about things first.  Valentine’s Day may not be the best time to unexpectedly bring out the edible clown makeup for the first time
  • I have learned through sad experience that, despite rumors to the contrary, conversation hearts are not an aphrodisiac, and they are also a poor substitute for use in either conversation or transplantation
  • A Human Centipede marathon is a poor way to get her in the mood
  • Reenactments of the St. Valentine’s Day massacre aren’t generally regarded as sexy to most women
  • No matter how much they complain about their weight, women are never happy when you give them a gym membership for Valentine’s Day
  • Don’t waste your time with jewelry. There is never any in the dumpster behind the store, and the stuff you can steal from grandma’s bedroom is way too tacky
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9 Responses to “Lactose the Intolerant’s Valentine’s Day Tips”

  1. Fred Key says:

    Uh-oh. That explains my last five Valentine’s Days.

  2. FormerHostage says:

    Valentine’s Day is not generally regarded as a ‘family’ holiday so asking your wife to include her sister in the celebration is not considered to be in good taste.

  3. Jimmy says:

    What I read was “Intolerant’s Valentine’s Day.” :-)

    So these would be tips for the Intolerant? Yeah, I hated the day back in grade school. The girls were sooo stupid about it. On the other hand, this could explain why I’m single and not available, as well as intolerant.

    Otherwise, this (Top 10?) post made me laugh. Thanks, Lactose.

  4. Harvey says:

    Pro-tip: if it has a cord, it’s not a good Valentine’s Day gift for a woman.

  5. FormerHostage says:

    @4
    Also, if you’re thinking of getting her something ‘sexy’ to wear, remember, spandex is a privilege NOT a right!

  6. Fred Key says:

    @4

    So now I have to take back the parachute too? Jeez

  7. DamnCat says:

    @4 – so get the kind with batteries?

  8. Critter says:

    Generally, hand held appliances that operated by battery or wall current are not regarded as appropriate for Valentines Day.

    Hey! Hey! I was talking about a blender!

  9. Corsair says:

    @6

    for this list just give her one without a cord.

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