When you go to Heaven and tell Jesus all about the cool science behind evolution, He’ll act interested but He doesn’t really care that much.
President Obama vows not to rest until he finds the real jobs killer.
“It’s vigilante justice! No one really wanted that job — they wanted to be FREEEE!” -serial-killer Obama standing over the corpse of a job
A much more interesting debate would be two Christians theologically debating creationism.
This Clay Aiken bid for Congress will end like it did with him and American Idol – someone else will win who we’ll never hear about again.
I’m job-locked to support all the deadbeats in this country.
PRO TIP: You can conceal carry with no consequence in any place that doesn’t make you pass through a metal detector. Because it’s concealed.
Kinda confusing to say Pluto isn’t a planet and then say it’s a dwarf planet which just sounds like a specific type of planet.
I need to teach these things to my three-year-old daughter, so get your crap together, science.
So did Russia hose off all the Communism before people started arriving for the Olympics?
It’s great how Obama is rescuing people from jobs like how Godzilla rescues people from being trapped in buildings.
“We will now call the unemployment number the ‘freedom number.'”
NBC should make one of their Sochi correspondents Yakov Smirnoff… or does the KGB still have a kill order on him?
Fistful of Dollars is actually by far my least favorite of the Man with No Name trilogy. Really like Yojimbo, though.
I feel so much better now that I know I can hover over the rounded Twitter follower count to see the real count.
“This could be a least favorite jelly bean flavor.” -first person to taste a coconut
Where did the expression “pitter-patter of little feet” come from? From my experience with toddlers, it’s more of a THOMP! THOMP! THOMP!
Should the tag for all these complaints about Sochi be #SecondWorldProblems?
“You like guns? I like guns! What is abortion?” -Wendy Davis
My Facebook movie was pretty touching, but I think it helps that I don’t post much to Facebook except about big events.
The best way to celebrate Reagan’s birthday is to strangle a Communist.
I know it sounds like I’m joking around and making fun of it, but seriously, watch curling.
Did you know Barack HUSSEIN Obama signed executive order making it illegal to strangle Communists because he hates America and being awesome?
If Woody Allen goes to jail, how is Hollywood going to survive without all the income from his blockbusters?
I like Reagan, but I’d rather people not subscribe to the belief that one day the right politicians will swoop in and save the day.
The right should claim “liberal,” not those promoting the same failed big government ideas from 100 years ago.
Individual freedom is still a very liberal idea which defenders of the status quo – the left – are opposed to.