Straight Line of the Day: In Chicago, Thieves Stole 80 Tons of Salt. Why?

Posted on February 24, 2014 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

In Chicago, thieves stole 80 tons of salt. Why?

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56 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: In Chicago, Thieves Stole 80 Tons of Salt. Why?”

  1. jw says:

    needed it for the margaritas.

  2. can of spam says:

    Because they had already stolen 240 tons of pretzel dough.

  3. can of spam says:

    They mistook the head of the teacher’s union for a giant slug and were trying to melt her.

  4. can of spam says:

    If you’re watching MSNBC, you’ll never find out, unless they can tie it to Chris Christie.

  5. can of spam says:

    For the houseful of popcorn popped by the world’s most powerful laser.

  6. can of spam says:

    I’m not sure… I’m just curious how many of those little packets it takes to make 80 tons, though.

  7. Steve H says:

    Um, SNOW ???

  8. can of spam says:

    It was the EPA – they’re going to sow it in the fields of farmers who won’t play ball.

  9. walruskkkch says:

    In Chicago, thieves stole 80 tons of salt. Why?

    They felt they were worth it?

  10. can of spam says:

    To make one batch of McDonald’s french fries.

  11. walruskkkch says:

    In Chicago, thieves stole 80 tons of salt. Why?

    Because it’s Chicago and if it isn’t nailed down it’s fair game.

  12. can of spam says:

    A very misguided attempt to make Lake Michigan a place for saltwater fishing.

  13. walruskkkch says:

    In Chicago, thieves stole 80 tons of salt. Why?

    So they can add it to their “regular” rifles?

  14. Rayfan87 says:

    They’re going to drive it to NYC to piss off Bloomberg.

  15. can of spam says:

    It wasn’t stolen, it was liberated from “property-lock”.

  16. can of spam says:

    Someone got very confused about trying to reduce government salaries.

  17. walruskkkch says:

    In Chicago, thieves stole 80 tons of salt. Why?

    Hoping to move up from Scum of, to Salt of the Earth.

    Heard it was useful in combating slugs.

  18. can of spam says:

    Because they couldn’t fit 100 tons in the truck.

  19. walruskkkch says:

    In Chicago, thieves stole 80 tons of salt. Why?

    They were actually stealing the dump trucks.

  20. walruskkkch says:

    In Chicago, thieves stole 80 tons of salt. Why?

    Took Rahm’s advice and didn’t let a good crisis go to waste.

  21. walruskkkch says:

    In Chicago, thieves stole 80 tons of salt. Why?

    To save all those Chicogans from the possibility of future High Blood pressure problems.

  22. can of spam says:

    @13: Is that “a salt with a deadly weapon”?

  23. Bob B says:

    The thieves were political operatives trying to make their pork last longer.

  24. Amer-I-Can says:

    I doubt they knew it was salt…. they just saw “white crystal stuff” and thought they’d hit the meth mother load.

  25. walruskkkch says:

    @22 I was thinking more of making them a Salt[ed] Rifles.

  26. Jeff in South Dakota says:

    For potatoes, of course! Be on the lookout for a new robbery of 100 tons of melted butter! (A Central New York reference)!

  27. blarg says:

    …practice.

  28. Burt says:

    Rahm is reserving it to keep a portion of Lake Michigan liquid in case Jimmy Fallon agrees to take the Polar Plunge.
    https://www.facebook.com/chicagopolarplunge

  29. zzyzx says:

    In Chicago, thieves stole 80 tons of salt. Why? To go with the 80 tons of previously stolen pepper.

  30. c64wood says:

    In Chicago, thieves stole 80 tons of salt. Why?

    To sell it back to the city.

    Because it lasts longer that 80 tons of milk

    Because salt is bad for you

  31. walruskkkch says:

    In Chicago, thieves stole 80 tons of salt. Why?

    Nothing screams “street cred” in Chicago like have “Stealing salt” on your rap sheet. Dig?

  32. James says:

    They heard Rahm’s doctor had him on a low-sodium diet.

  33. Bob B says:

    Having lost international stature by losing their Olympic bid, these enterprising Chicagoans hope to get a place at the table when SALT talks are renewed again.

  34. blarg says:

    …any more and the theft would have been conspicuous.

  35. Bob B says:

    They hope to institute a “Mrs. Lot Pillars of Chicago Award” for those who exemplify the “Chicago Way”, and need the salt for creating the appropriate statuettes.

  36. blarg says:

    …because Michelle’s family was coming and the only way Klingons can stomach Earth food is with “tons of salt”.

    …Michelle said she needed it because the slug problem in her organic pesticide-free White House garden was getting REALLY out of hand.

  37. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …to sell on the black market in New York City.

  38. FormerHostage says:

    1. Steal 80 tons of salt.
    2. ?
    3. Profit!

  39. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …they have a fetish for Lot’s wife.

  40. walruskkkch says:

    In Chicago, thieves stole 80 tons of salt. Why?

    Frelling Global Warming Deniers.

  41. DamnCat says:

    I don’t know why – but i know it’s not kosher.

  42. calcpa says:

    Because they needed to take each of Obama’s lies with a grain of salt. Each and every one.

  43. Dohtimes says:

    …nearsighted alderman mistook Michelle Obama for a bird and wanted to catch her.

    …yearly capacity check of all 80 South Side bathtub breweries was nearing.

    …Rahm Emanuel’s upper lip sweating is down .003% due to .003% scandal reductions.

    …Obama needed his first batch of retroactive bad luck warding off salt yesterday if not sooner.

  44. NO_MO_BAMA says:

    They heard it was going to banned.

  45. FormerHostage says:

    Cuz someone already took the catsup.

  46. FormerHostage says:

    They were high and though it was a big ol’ honkin’ mountain of crystal meth.

  47. walruskkkch says:

    Frankly I suspect Anonymiss and the promise of a whole lotta payback cookies!

  48. GrandLarsenE says:

    They had just stolen 2500 tons of french fries.

  49. NO_MO_BAMA says:

    This person seems to think you can fit 1 ton of salt in a bathtub……so maybe they thought it was bath salt.

    She must have a much bigger bathtub than most people.

  50. Bob B says:

    He was just a guy named Peter, home from the sea, climbing out of the cellar, trying to be a shaker, taking his licks, playing the flats, working with the grain…

  51. frogmouth says:

    Some people look at 80 tons of stolen salt and ask “Why?”…I dream of things that were never stolen and ask “Why not?”.

  52. can of spam says:

    @42: *slow clap*

  53. Karen says:

    … What else are you going to do with 40 tons of pretzels?

    … Bloomberg is hoarding.

    @42: orz

  54. Apostic says:

    ….Frightend as a child by the Great Pink Sea Snail and has been preparing for the worst ever since.

  55. CLIFF says:

    Mayor Rahm Emmanuel put in an order for some some Kosher salt in according with Halakha (Jewish law). :-(

  56. walruskkkch says:

    Some one found Jimmy Buffet’s lost shaker.

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