Straight Line of the Day: The Department of Justice Has New Guidelines for Investigating the Media. The Oddest One…

Posted on February 6, 2014 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

The Department of Justice has new guidelines for investigating the media. The oddest one…

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51 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: The Department of Justice Has New Guidelines for Investigating the Media. The Oddest One…”

  1. walruskkkch says:

    The Department of Justice has new guidelines for investigating the media. The oddest one…

    Badges? We don’t need no stinkin’ badges!

  2. walruskkkch says:

    The Department of Justice has new guidelines for investigating the media. The oddest one…

    Lap dogs are exempt…for now.

  3. Iowa Jim says:

    . . . makes reference to mammals which are members of the family Canidae

    . . . says to investigate fast and furiously

  4. walruskkkch says:

    The Department of Justice has new guidelines for investigating the media. The oddest one…

    get out of an investigation free card for every Anonymiss cookie “donated”.

  5. walruskkkch says:

    The Department of Justice has new guidelines for investigating the media. The oddest one…

    Violators with an “conservative” designation given priority over all others.

  6. Tcstorm says:

    Never let the “Fox” out of the bag.

  7. walruskkkch says:

    The Department of Justice has new guidelines for investigating the media. The oddest one…

    waterboarding now considered a legitimate interrogation tool.

  8. Bob B says:

    …involves a body of water, or alternately a balance scale and a duck…

  9. FormerHostage says:

    …sends tingles up Chrissy Mathews’s leg.

  10. Bob B says:

    …is that the investigators can cast only locally-sourced stones…

  11. FormerHostage says:

    …involves random cavity searches.

  12. DamnCat says:

    …: agents must sign up on waiting lists to participate in surveillance of Fox News women reporters/anchors.

  13. FormerHostage says:

    …allows only 20 yes or no questions before they have to guess.

  14. Bob B says:

    …relies heavily on the use of an E-meter.

  15. FormerHostage says:

    …now allows the “Sure is a nice place youse gots here. Be a shame if sumptin’ happened tooze it.” opening gambit.

  16. FormerHostage says:

    …no longer allows cookies to be used as deal makers.

  17. FormerHostage says:

    …requires all investigators to wear fedoras and talk like Jack Webb.

  18. FormerHostage says:

    …No one talks about fight club!

  19. FormerHostage says:

    …no longer allows hookers and blow to be expensed.

  20. FormerHostage says:

    …repeals the 4th Amendment by Executive Order.

  21. tankdemon says:

    The Department of Justice has new guidelines for investigating the media. The oddest one…

    All requests for interviews during investigations to be on “deep background” will be denied.

  22. Fangbeer says:

    The department of justice will only investigate journalists that attempt to investigate. As long as a journalist refrains from asking questions, the journalist should have no fear of a DOJ investigation. You gotta problem with that?

  23. Oppo says:

    … involves the five Dubyas taught in journalism school:

    “How is this Dubya’s fault?”

    {*repeat five times*}

  24. Oppo says:

    … is Obama changing the name from “Eyewitness News” to “MyWitness News.”

  25. Chip says:

    The Department of Justice has new guidelines for investigating the media. The oddest one… involved everyone standing around in a circle and saying, in unison…

    Meka Leka Hi Meka Hiney Ho?
    Meka Leka Hi Meka Hiney Ho?
    Meka Leka Hi Meka Chany Ho?
    Meka Leka Hi Meka Chany Ho?
    Your wish is granted…
    Long live Jambi…

    And that is how the President has managed to be so invisible to the main stream media.

  26. CLIFF says:

    NO making fun of Afros.

  27. Bob B says:

    …is the requirement that the investigator must dress as a member of the Justice League.

  28. walruskkkch says:

    The Department of Justice has new guidelines for investigating the media. The oddest one…

    can only be considered odd when placed in comparison with normal guidelines, and when one does, in fact, make such a comparison, all oddness effectively disappears. Now move along citizen, nothing to see here.

  29. walruskkkch says:

    The Department of Justice has new guidelines for investigating the media. The oddest one…

    all investigations must open with a tribute to ABBA.

  30. c64wood says:

    The Department of Justice has new guidelines for investigating the media. The oddest one…

    …was written by the folks that brought you healthcare.gov

    …involves duct-tape, rubber gloves and lubricant

  31. Ironic Stompin' says:

    The Department of Justice has new guidelines for investigating the media. The oddest one…

    …requires all investigations to be approved by a impartial non-partisan triumvirate made up of representatives from CNN, MSNBC, and Al-Jazeera.

  32. jw says:

    involves three oreos and a walnut

  33. FormerHostage says:

    …calls for the use of …. The Comfy Chair!!!

  34. walruskkkch says:

    The Department of Justice has new guidelines for investigating the media. The oddest one…

    has the DOJ buying the first round of drinks every 3rd investigation.

  35. Writer says:

    Using the “Official” NSA standards, they only need one Search Warrant entitled: MEDIA

  36. Dohtimes says:

    …has the only limit placed on investigators; no pine tar above 18 inches on the investigatin’ bat.

    …suspects will be referred to as the Youdia.

    …separates the media into into three groups: Docile lap dogs, melanin deprived truth seekers and ?WTF?!!! (Alan Colmes).

  37. Burt says:

    …all investigators will be robots. DOJ was unable to find humans who would watch network TV at any price. (they called it a “glitch”–word of the year!)

  38. Oppo says:

    @36: +1 for Dohtimes. I gotta get me an investigatin’ bat.

    They’s a lot o’ things need investigatin’.

  39. walruskkkch says:

    @36 I didn’t know Johnny Holmes worked for the DOJ!?

  40. Steve H says:

    … you’ll be booted off the investigation if you can’t master the Dr. Evil maniacal laugh and pinky finger to cheek maneuver.

  41. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …suggests it is easier to insert the rectal probe while the reporter is bowing towards Obama.

  42. Veeshir says:

    …all leaks have to go through Politico.

  43. Doug says:

    The oddest is that there are only two rules. Rule #1: Obama is always right! Rule #2: See Rule #1.

  44. RAML says:

    Is why they are doing it. The media is theirs.

  45. jw says:

    the oddest one requires

    Three French Hens
    Two Turtle Doves
    and a Partridge on a Par Three

  46. rodney dill says:

    …the Spanish Inquisition.

  47. rodney dill says:

    …interrogation via Vogon poetry

  48. rodney dill says:

    …through questioning by an unnamed source.

  49. Writer says:

    By requiring free DEPENDS on all government employees to minimize Leaks.

  50. Bad Science says:

    The Department of Justice Has New Guidelines for Investigating the Media. The Oddest One…
    is to put the highest priority on investigating occurrences of witty banter devolving into witless blather, which is every time.

  51. Dohtimes says:

    …transfers duty of poking the still writhing body of Helen Thomas with a stick every two minutes to the lowest level DoJ employees, writers for The Daily Show.

    …declares that when NBC is involved, Justice in allowed to squint, wink or look the other way.

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