Straight Line of the Day: The IRS Will Be Giving Its Employees Bonuses to Boost Morale. Other Morale-Boosters…

Posted on February 5, 2014 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

The IRS will be giving its employees bonuses to boost morale. Other morale-boosters…

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41 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: The IRS Will Be Giving Its Employees Bonuses to Boost Morale. Other Morale-Boosters…”

  1. Bob B says:

    …include get-out-of-jail-free cards for malfeasance.

  2. Bob B says:

    …involve re-instating the old Roman system for tax collection: set an amount each agent must give to the government, and allow each agent carte blanche to wring from the populace as much as they could…

  3. walruskkkch says:

    The IRS will be giving its employees bonuses to boost morale. Other morale-boosters…

    the bonuses will be tax exempt.

  4. walruskkkch says:

    The IRS will be giving its employees bonuses to boost morale. Other morale-boosters…

    Every agent will be allowed to publicly bullwhip a conservative.

  5. walruskkkch says:

    The IRS will be giving its employees bonuses to boost morale. Other morale-boosters…

    free hookers and blow.

  6. jw says:

    during audits they will now be allowed to use strappado, bastinado and the spanish boot.

  7. DamnCat says:

    : agency supplied car and defense attorney.

  8. DamnCat says:

    New incentive program: top performing Tea Party crushers get to leave Cincinnati!

  9. KennyJ says:

    …getting paid to produce more cheap Star Trek parody videos.

    (also @3…you need to add “as long as they only vote Democrat” )

  10. Fangbeer says:

    1460 days of paid vacation for members of congress.
    Complementary Blindfolds, Earmuffs and Ball gags for supreme court justices.
    Obamaphones for the NSA
    Bullet proof vests for ambassadors.
    Replacement marbles for the VP

  11. Gumbeaux says:

    Promotions for malfeasance. Never mind. That morale booster has existed for decades.

  12. Steve H says:

    The IRS will be giving its employees bonuses to boost morale. Other morale-boosters…

    … include permission to say you worked for Hooters on your resume, instead of the IRS.

  13. Steve H says:

    @12 – Especially advantageous for the guys.

  14. Anonymiss says:

    @6 because nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! :)

  15. walruskkkch says:

    @9 Given they are IRS employees I thought that would be redundant.

  16. walruskkkch says:

    The IRS will be giving its employees bonuses to boost morale. Other morale-boosters…

    everyone gets their own lunch time show featuring Bruno Mars and the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

    all oral reports come with back-up singers.

    22 beats 21 in all US casinos.

  17. walruskkkch says:

    The IRS will be giving its employees bonuses to boost morale. Other morale-boosters…

    every Friday is “Feminist Accounting” day, male numbers don’t count.

  18. can of spam says:

    … top-shelf liquor for employees who refuse to testify before Congress, a policy known as “A Fifth for The Fifth”.

  19. can of spam says:

    … a nifty, pressed brown shirt and a pair of jackboots to wear at the next rally.

  20. Bob B says:

    …a nifty new ad campaign featuring the new slogan – “We’re the president’s men, and we’re here to help…ourselves”.

  21. Dohtimes says:

    …resumption of the Daily Two Minute Laugh At Al Sharpton’s Last Return.

    …lowering level of incompetence that is rewarded with promotion so the slackers don’t get all of the primo jobs.

    …Pentagrams are now tax deductible for federal workers, brimstone fumes will cause building evacuations January through April.

    …IRS employees will give 50% less money to politicians to boost bonuses for IRS employees.

    …arrival and quitting time clock punching replaced by puppy punching.

  22. Oppo says:

    … “It’s Not Only Legal, It’s Extra-Legal!” T-shirts.

    … a toy 501(c)3PO droid to play with.

    … a Mohammad Atta-boy, for destroying the American way of life.

    … space in the government bunker when Obama’s “MyRAN” policy fails.

  23. jw says:

    first dibs on the presidents leftover dog burgers

  24. AT says:

    … a party budget equal to that of the GSA.

  25. Oppo says:

    … free beer and dinner: 1040-ouncers and civil servant turf.

  26. Oppo says:

    … (with a wage garnish on the side.)

  27. Oppo says:

    … motivational posters saying “Remember: Our Customers Are Always *Right*!”

  28. DamnCat says:

    …a free puppy! To fill the gaping hole in their lives once filled with friends and family before they went to work for the IRS.

  29. DamnCat says:

    …a retirement plan that promises the return of their souls.

  30. Oppo says:

    … “Deduct Dynasty” swag.

  31. Burt says:

    The IRS will be giving its employees bonuses to boost morale. Other morale-boosters…
    ..the most productive agents in the Cincinnati office will receive new IDs and addresses.

  32. Oppo says:

    … a mink coat.
    They can have the mink, instead, but it must be listed as de-furred income.

  33. Oppo says:

    … “All your base salaries are belong to us!” coffee mugs.

    … “We Will Capwne You” mousepads.

    … “We’re Number Onesie!” onesies.

    … “110% Tax Bracket” dreamcatchers.

  34. c64wood says:

    The IRS will be giving its employees bonuses to boost morale. Other morale-boosters…

    A key-chain with the company logo.

    Free trips to exotic lands with taxpayer funded credit cards.

    Income Equality regardless of the Effort Inequality

  35. James says:

    A cookie with walnuts for each audit without a tax increase (no wonder they are so snippy).

  36. Writer says:

    Brown Shirts, and those cute little SS pins for them.

  37. mike says:

    …10 free audits to give to the enemies of your choice!

  38. Karen says:

    … Bindles and cardboard signs, so that they can pretend to be hobos at the next family reunion and their family will stop being ashamed of where they work.

  39. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …throwing TEA Partiers to the lions.

    …taxing candy from babies.

  40. Bad Science says:

    The IRS Will Be Giving Its Employees Bonuses to Boost Morale. Other Morale-Boosters…
    The beatings will continue until morale improves!
    I can dream, can’t I?

  41. CLIFF says:

    Free tickets to the next DNC!!!!

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