What’s in a name?

ARedRoseHowLovelySheila Crabtree is no longer. But she is Sexy.

According to the Columbus Dispatch — from that fake Columbus in Ohio, not the real Columbus in Georgia — Sheila Crabtree hated her name — the “Sheila” part, not the “Crabtree” part — so she had it changed. And, her new first name is “Sexy,” after a judge in Licking County, Ohio granted her request.

Why “Sexy?” Well, she explained:

“I wear Victoria’s Secret clothes all the time,” said Crabtree, who doesn’t want you to know how old she is. “I was like, ‘Shoot, I’ll just go for Sexy.’”

So, having the name “Sexy” makes her sexy? Sad news for you ma’am. If you weren’t sexy before, you won’t be sexy afterwards, no matter what your driver’s license says.

I’m worried, though, that others may follow her lead, and change their name to something they desperately want to be, but aren’t. For instance, I fully expect Barack Obama to change his name to Really Smart Guy. Because if anything says the opposite of really smart, it’s Barack.

Maybe MSNBC will change its name to TheNetworkEveryoneWatches.

Or the Winter Olympics to ThingsThatAreActuallyInterestingToWatch.

Or the 12-member Big Ten Conference to WeReallyDoKnowHowToCount Conference.

Or the 10-member Big Twelve Conference to the WeWillHaveTwelveMembersAgainOneDayMaybe Conference.

Apple could change its name to WeAreNotJustForDouchebags.

Microsoft could become BlueScreenOfDeathNeverHeardOfIt.

I wonder where else this trend might lead.

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12 Comments

  1. I’ve always toyed with the idea of changing my middle name to “Danger”. If it wasn’t so much paperwork I’d probably have done it by now, but I have a job which pretty much precludes my doing such frivolous things during business hours.

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  2. @5, you mean like Austin “Danger” Powers? That’s my favorite scene from the first movie.
    Also, isn’t Crabtree the name of the bus driver on South Park? I would think any guy under 50 would catch that and be repulsed.

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  3. @9 – Conveniently, I notice they omitted the woman’s age.

    I’m assuming she’s recently topped 35, is staring 40 in the face, and is having a mid-life crisis to cope with the fact that her youth & beauty are fading fast. Probably doesn’t help that her daughter is just entering the dewy edges of womanhood’s flower.

    Judging from the flabby arms, I’d say a few hours of zumba a week would serve her better than a name change.

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