What’s in a name?

Posted on February 13, 2014 9:00 am

ARedRoseHowLovelySheila Crabtree is no longer. But she is Sexy.

According to the Columbus Dispatch — from that fake Columbus in Ohio, not the real Columbus in Georgia — Sheila Crabtree hated her name — the “Sheila” part, not the “Crabtree” part — so she had it changed. And, her new first name is “Sexy,” after a judge in Licking County, Ohio granted her request.

Why “Sexy?” Well, she explained:

“I wear Victoria’s Secret clothes all the time,” said Crabtree, who doesn’t want you to know how old she is. “I was like, ‘Shoot, I’ll just go for Sexy.’”

So, having the name “Sexy” makes her sexy? Sad news for you ma’am. If you weren’t sexy before, you won’t be sexy afterwards, no matter what your driver’s license says.

I’m worried, though, that others may follow her lead, and change their name to something they desperately want to be, but aren’t. For instance, I fully expect Barack Obama to change his name to Really Smart Guy. Because if anything says the opposite of really smart, it’s Barack.

Maybe MSNBC will change its name to TheNetworkEveryoneWatches.

Or the Winter Olympics to ThingsThatAreActuallyInterestingToWatch.

Or the 12-member Big Ten Conference to WeReallyDoKnowHowToCount Conference.

Or the 10-member Big Twelve Conference to the WeWillHaveTwelveMembersAgainOneDayMaybe Conference.

Apple could change its name to WeAreNotJustForDouchebags.

Microsoft could become BlueScreenOfDeathNeverHeardOfIt.

I wonder where else this trend might lead.

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12 Responses to “What’s in a name?”

  1. DamnCat says:

    “Sexy Crabtree”?

    Desirable Dogwood
    Alluring Alder
    Pulchritudinous Pine
    Hot Ash

  2. Harvey says:

    I’m totally changing my name to “NotJustAnotherVoiceInFranksHead”

  3. Jimmy says:

    Frank can change his name to “BlogsViaTwitter.”

  4. AT says:

    “I wear Victoria’s Secret clothes all the time,” said Crabtree.

    So do Victoria Secret models. They let the clothes do the talking.

  5. blarg says:

    I’ve always toyed with the idea of changing my middle name to “Danger”. If it wasn’t so much paperwork I’d probably have done it by now, but I have a job which pretty much precludes my doing such frivolous things during business hours.

  6. Mike in OH says:

    @5, you mean like Austin “Danger” Powers? That’s my favorite scene from the first movie.
    Also, isn’t Crabtree the name of the bus driver on South Park? I would think any guy under 50 would catch that and be repulsed.

  7. Basil says:

    Don’t know about South Park, but Etta Crabtree was one of the old ladies that lived in Mayberry.

    Then, again, I’m not under 50.

  8. Jimmy says:

    ComCast (acquiring Time Warner) should change its name to “CronyCapitalistCast.”

  9. Fred Key says:

    Joe Biden: “Mr. NotReallyFullofCrap”

    I’m impressed that the 8 previous comments did not go for the Biden gimme. I did because I am weak.

    P.S.: That woman in the story is a mom — how proud will must her children be!

  10. Harvey says:

    @9 – Conveniently, I notice they omitted the woman’s age.

    I’m assuming she’s recently topped 35, is staring 40 in the face, and is having a mid-life crisis to cope with the fact that her youth & beauty are fading fast. Probably doesn’t help that her daughter is just entering the dewy edges of womanhood’s flower.

    Judging from the flabby arms, I’d say a few hours of zumba a week would serve her better than a name change.

  11. zzyzx says:

    Crabtree, wasn’t she once a school teacher? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xv818Skrmc

  12. Dohtimes says:

    She could also just as truthfully change it to Doesn’t Have Arms Bigger Than Beer Barrels Crabtree.

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