Joe: What’s up? What’s up is that Al has some horrible, disease.
Gore: I do not.
Joe: Oh yeah. Go check his trash, dude. Check his trash. Check his trash. He has some awful, green brackish fluids just oozing out of his orifices. Go check. Go check. Go Check. I’ll hold him here with one of my patented anecdotes, dude. Go Check.
(Barack runs off).
Joe: I just got back from the dental hygienist, dude. I think she realizes she is the only one Obamacare covers. Doesn’t have to compete anymore. Total witch, dude. Total witch. There is just no pleasing that woman. I brush. I floss, but she is just grumbling and poking me with those pointy metal sticks, grumbling about tartar. Look at those gums bleed. Give me those weapons and I’ll make your gums bleed too, you sadistic witch. That never happens to me at home. And on and on about the tartar. Goodness, look at all that tartar. When you eat fish and chips, you won’t even need the sauce.
Gore: I’ve always wondered that, dude. Always wondered. What is tartar sauce? Is that where they get tartar sauce? The dentist just saves all that stuff for them? Is that the base of the sauce?
Joe: And what about sesame seeds, dude? Where do they come from? Have you ever seen a sesame tree?
Gore: I’m gonna go bury a Whopper and see what happens, dude.
(Barack quickly returns with the green, soaked Always).
Barack: It’s true! It’s totally true, dudes! Look, look, look!
Joe: That’s what happens when you make love to trees, dude. They jump, man. The diseases jump. The viruses mutate and jump species, dude. You got like bark rot or something man.
Barack: Or root rot.
Joe: Or like termites, dude. You better, like, go dip your root in pesticides or something, dude.
Gore: At least I didn’t bang a tranny. I didn’t bang Kerry.
Joe: Totally, dude. He banged Kerry. He totally banged him.
Barack: How many times do we have to have this conversation, dudes? I did not bang Kerry.
Kerry: Oh you did. You totally banged me.
Gore: But seriously, dudes. Seriously. I do not have root rot. You are all a bunch of morons. Moron. Moron. Moron. Look. Watch this, dudes. (grabs the Always and squeezes it into his mouth). It’s a wheat grass smoothie. See, dudes, just a wheat grass smoothie. That’s all it is. A wheat grass smoothie.
Joe: Ugh, I think I’m gonna be sick, dude. That is vile. That is so vile. I can’t believe you swallowed that stuff. That stuff leaked out of your body, dude. I’m gonna hurl.
Gore: No it didn’t, dude. It’s just wheat grass.
Barack: That is disgusting, dude. Totally disgusting. Way worse than that caveman diet Michelle is forcing me to try. Way worse.
Joe: Caveman diet? Dude? What even is that? A caveman diet?
Barack: I’m supposed to like, eat what cavemen would eat and stuff. And that will make me lose weight and stuff.
Kerry: Dude, you, like, can’t do that, dude. Of course you’d lose weight. You can’t eat like a caveman. You see any dinosaurs, dude? You see any dinosaurs around? You got no food supply. You’ll, like, totally starve to death, dude.
Barack: No, no, no. That’s not the diet. Of course, I can’t eat dinosaurs, dude. Can’t eat those. But I try and eat like the things an unfrozen caveman would eat today. Like, tons of meat and stuff. You know, the kinds of food that we evolved to eat. Our natural foods, dude. That’s what our body knows how to process best and stuff. That’s how we evolved.
Joe: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Dudes. Cavemen weren’t skinny. What? Are you looking for a Flintstone physique? Last I checked, cavemen were chubby. Totally chubby, dude. You’re already, chubby, dude. The diet worked.
Barack: Seriously, dude? Seriously? The source of your information is a cartoon? The caveman diet works, dude. It’s, like, totally science.
Joe: Okay, okay, okay. Let’s assume you are right for a moment and that I am wrong. Let’s assume that cavemen were skinny and that The Flintstones, which by all accounts, was a very well researched and educational program respected among the paleo community, was wrong afterall. I would posit, dudes, that it is the caveman lifestyle not the diet that is to blame.
Barack: What the…..
Joe: Listen, listen, listen. The caveman weren’t skinny because of what they ate, dudes. They were skinny because of what it took just to feed themselves. If you had to track your wild Cherry Garcia and Chunky Monkey for five days across the frozen tundra before you could eat it, you’d be skinny too. No, you just have to call to Jeeves and have him fetch it from the freezer. They had to be more active, dude. They were burning more calories, dude. Burning more calories.
Barack: That’s not the point, dude. Not the point. Not the point at all. The caveman diet isn’t about exercise. That would be the caveman workout, dude. We’re not taking about the workout. It is about eating the foods that our bodies evolved to eat. It’s science, dude. It’s totally science.
Kerry: Wait a minute. Did I just hear you say evolution was science, dude? That science is evolution?
To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it.