Barack: What? So you think evolution isn’t science now? Dude, evolution is totally science. It is the most science there is. It’s the foundation of all science.
Gore: Aside from global warming, of course, dude.
Barack: Well, of course global warming too. And GMOs.
Joe: And vaccines too, dude. Don’t forget vaccines. Don’t want to catch the autism, dude. Don’t want to catch that. Not catching it.
Barack: Or root rot. Did you forget your root rot vaccine, Al? You really should get that treated, dude. Nasty, oozy stuff, dude. Oozing out of stumpy.
Gore: I do not have root rot, you freakin’ morons. It was wheat grass. Just wheat grass, dudes.
Barack: But you’re distracting me, dude. Totally distracting. We were talking about evolution. It’s totally science, dude. You’ve heard of fossils, right dude? You’ve heard of fossils?
Kerry: Fossils? Pah. Fossils. Everyone is always making a big deal about fossils. They’re just nature’s Rorschach blots, dude. Just the inkblots of nature. You just see what you want to see, dude. Just see what you want to see. Like when you see scary faces and stuff in shag carpeting and textured ceilings and stuff, dude.
Joe: Or Jesus in a burrito.
Kerry: Yes, I mean, no. Not that, dude. Not that. Those sightings are legit, dude. Don’t be dissing my Jesus burrito. But like Mount Rushmore, dude. You know Mount Rushmore? You look up there and you see those faces, right, you can see those faces? How did they get there, dude? It’s a sign dude, a total sign. Only God could have known who those presidents would have been. Only God could have seen the future and put those heads on the mount. I bet that is even where he did his sermon, dude. Proof of creation, dude. Total proof.
Barack: You’re an idiot, dude. A total idiot. You don’t even have religion right. But science? We give up. Science doesn’t even want you anymore. We don’t want you. Consider yourself rejected by science. People sculpted Mount Rushmore, dude. It was sculpted. Like a bunch of artists and stuff did that. It’s not, like, natural, dude. Not natural. Not naturally occurring.
Kerry: As if. Do you know how crazy you sound? You know how crazy? Totally crazy, dude. Like you will believe any crazy idea like Mount Rushmore was a big, conspiratorial art project. It’s all in your head, dude. You just believe what you want to believe. Same thing with the fossils, dude. It’s all in your mind. All in your head, dude. That’s why to me all fossils look like gay cowboys eating pudding. And firemen. Shirtless, blackened firemen. Sweaty, glistening….
Joe: Dude, is that why you are banned from the Natural History Museum? Is that why they have your picture on the wall by the register? The one with the censor bars across the front?
Kerry: Clean up on aisle six, dude. Totally. They have some really great stuff in that pre-cambrian section. I have all the photo gallery books at home. I’m getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it, dudes. You need a massage, Barack?
Barack: No, I do not. Get your freaky hands off of me. You’re a freak, dude. Does Theresa know about this, dude? Does Theresa know about it?
Kerry: Oh, you know her. She’s totally cool about it. Buys me trilobites every anniversary and makes a little trail with them to the bedroom, dude. You know Theresa. She’s one of a kind. I fell in love with her the first time I saw her father’s money.
Barack: You’re a freak, dude. A total freak. You’re the only one who sees erotica in the fossil record, dude. The only one. No one else sees it, dude. No one else. Everyone else sees a progressive evolution of life, dude. They see apes turning into people, dude. And stuff like that.
Kerry: Apes turning into people, dude. Do you know how crazy you sound? Monkeys turning into people. If monkeys turned into people, then answer me this, dude. Huh, answer me this. Why are there still monkeys, dude? Why are there still monkeys, then dude? If a monkey gave birth to a human, why didn’t they just kill it dude? It would be, like, some weak little bald hairless freak. No monkey momma would want that, dude. And no monkey would want to mate with it, dude. Not even the desperate ugly monkeys. It would be, like, a total pariah. Like Hillary, dude. Just like Hillary. Would you nail a monkey dude? Would you nail a monkey?
Joe: Or an Asian?
Kerry: Or any other subhuman primate, really?
Gore: Well, he did bang Kerry.
Barack: I did not bang Kerry!
Joe: And Michelle. And I saw his internet history, dude. Chock full of Asian porn. Or was it that Animal Planet mating stuff. I can never tell those apart.
Barack: Oh, you are so racist. You are such an evil, bloody racist.
Joe: Monkeys aren’t a race, dude. They’re a species. Like a totally different species. Like Asians. Or like you.
Barack: Oh, you did not just say that. I did not just hear those words come out of your mouth. You are such a racist.
Joe: I’m not racist, dude. The word is xenophobic. I’m xenophobic, dude.
Barack: Xenopho..? What? What the….?
Joe: I know your secret, dude. I know. It’s okay. I’m okay with it. I’ve always known. I know you are a reptilian, dude. A snaky, freaky reptilian.
Barack: What the…..
Joe: You don’t have to play dumb with us anymore, dude. I know. We all know. You are a blood drinking, shape-shifting, reptilian humanoid from Alpha Draconis conspiring to enslave humans and warm the planet so it is suitable for your race of cold-blooded monsters.
Barack: What the….
Joe: Don’t worry. I’m okay with it. Just put me in charge of the slaves or herds or whatever or make me a breeder or something. I’ve noticed stuff, dude. You say you are all environmental and green and stuff, but oil production is up, dude. Under your watch, US oil production is like way, way up. And every green company you invest tax money in goes bankrupt, dude. Every one. Every single one. Totally bankrupt. Does anyone else see a pattern here? A global warming pattern. Are you using your advanced alien technology to mess with our satellites and weather balloons too, dude? Making us think the warming has stopped when we know it hasn’t. The models say it is warming. The thermometers say it is not. Who you gonna believe, dude? Who you gonna believe? I know who I believe. I believe in science. Quick, Al, grab him! Don’t let him escape!
To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it.