(Barack is duct taped naked to a chair with a light in his face being interrogated by Joe, Kerry and Gore regarding the plans of him and his reptilian space alien brethren)
Joe: You have flight 370, don’t you? What have you done with them, you cold-blooded monsters?
Barack: Dude! This is insane! Let me go! I am the President of the United States not some snaky space alien, you freakin’ nimrod! When did this alien thing even become a thing?
Joe: Become a thing? Become a thing, dude? Oh, no. This didn’t become a thing. This was always a thing. Clear back to Babylon, dude. Always. Always a thing. Of course, you already know that, dude. Don’t play dumb with me, dude. You can’t out dumb a dummy, dude. I’ll beat you every time.
Barack: I am so gonna impeach you when I get out of here. You are so impeached, dude. I am not a space alien. There are no such thing as space aliens.
Gore: He makes a valid point.
Kerry: Oh I agree. That is a good point. I really don’t believe in space aliens either, dude. Never believed in them. They’re not in the Bible, dude.
Joe: Don’t listen to him. He’s gonna try and trick you up, dude. Use his twisted alien ESP to force you to his side. Those aren’t your thoughts you’re thinking, dude. Not your thoughts.
Kerry: But how do you know it’s even real, dude? Are space aliens even a thing? I, mean, if space aliens aren’t real, then he can’t be one, right? It’s pure logic, dude. Pure logic.
Joe: I defy you to find any position I have ever taken that was based upon logic. I don’t think in logic. I only deal with reality and facts and opinions. The reptilians are real, dude. I sent you the book, dude. I sent you the book.
Kerry: Book? What book?
Joe: What book? Seriously, dude? What book? I am not hearing this. The Biggest Secret, dude. The Biggest Secret. The truth is in there, dude. It’s all in there. Thoroughly researched by David Ickes, only the most respected sports newscaster in the United Kingdom. Top notch journalism, dude. Top notch.
Kerry: That book? I thought that was, like, a horrible novel. Like a mockumentary type novel. Like it was all just pretend but written like it was real. You know, like Dreams From My Father.
Joe: Not real? Pretend? A mockumentary? Seriously, dude. A mockumentary?
Kerry: Dude, of course I thought it was a mockumentary. It read like a plot L. Ron Hubbard rejected, dude. Like it was a plot so bad Scientologists rejected it as being too kooky to believe. Tom Cruise was laughing at it, dude, laughing his horrid, cult-spawned midget laugh.
Joe: I can’t believe what I am hearing. Can’t believe it. Go to the library, dude. Just go to the library. And where will you find the book, huh? Where will you find it? That’s right. In the non-fiction section. It’s non-fiction dude. The librarian would know, dude. They can’t put it in the non-fiction section if it is fiction, dude. Can’t do it.
Kerry: That’s your proof? That’s your proof?
Joe: It’s like the law or something, dude. Can’t put fiction in the non-fiction section. It would be chaos, dude. Utter chaos. If it’s in the non-fiction section, it’s true. Totally truth. But quit distracting me, dude. No more distractions. (back to Barack) So where are all those Malaysians? What have you done with them? Boiled them, mashed them, stuck them in a stew?
Gore: Like you even care about those Malaysians, dude. They didn’t vote for you.
Joe: Oh yeah. Ok, then what did you do with the one American passenger? Tell me!
Barack: You need to adjust your Ritalin, dude. You’re crazy! I’m not a space alien. There are no space aliens, you freakin’ nimrod! Now let me go!
Joe: Then how do you explain all of the alien abductions, then, snake-dude? If there are no aliens, who is abducting all those people, huh, dude? Who is abducting? Faeries? Santa Claus? Libertarians?
Gore: The NSA…
Joe: No. It’s gotta be the aliens. Only explanation that makes sense, that fits the facts. We’re just fish to you, aren’t we? Just big, tasty land bound fish.
Barack: What are you even talking about? Have you been in my Colorado stash, dude? I told you to stay out of that stash.
Joe: We’re fish, dude. Just like fish to you. You know. The fish are all down there in the ocean, living their lives, oblivious that we and this land stuff even exist. We aren’t even here, dude. Then they are all swimming around in their schools and, whoosh, they look around. Where’s Frank, dude? Where’s Frank? Frank’s gone. He was just here, but now he is not here. Where’d Frank go, dudes? Who knows? Sometimes Frank comes back. Sometimes he doesn’t. And when he comes back, Frank has some crazy story about how some weird creatures just yanked him out of the ocean into some weird place, and he finds himself on some weird ship, and then we mess around with him and throw him back. Abductions, dude. And no one believes Frank either. They all think he is crazy. Frank’s crazy, dudes. He’s crazy. But he’s not crazy. He’s not the one who’s crazy. We’re just like fish to you. We’re all just fish.
Barack: Oh my Allah! Dudes, untie me. You can’t be buying this stuff, dudes. Untie me.
Gore: Well, he does make a very interesting case.
Kerry: Totally. He had me with the fish. I’ve totally done that with fish, dudes. Probed them all and everything. Probed them good. Sounds legit to me. I’m with Joe here.
Barack: Oh my Allah again! He’s given you no proof about this at all. No proof. You’re just believing his insane babblings. Gahhhhhh! Just untie me, you morons. Someone untie me. Untie me now!
Joe: So, it is proof you want, huh. You want proof. I’ll give you proof. (whips out a paper) Look at this. Look at it. Don’t shy away from it. Tell me what this is?
Barack: Uh, it’s my birth certificate.
Joe: Exactly. The birth certificate you refused to produce for years and years and years. Why didn’t you produce this certificate, huh? Why? Look at it closely, you lizardy bastard. Where does it say you were born?
Barack: Hawaii, of course. Where I was born. It’s a perfectly legitimate birth certificate.
Joe: Or is it a little bit too perfect? Perfectly forged. Admit it. You weren’t born in Hawaii. This should read Nevada. Admit it. You were hatched in a nest at Area 51. Yes, hatched, where you maliciously clawed your way out from your egg and viciously ate all of your male hatchmates to ensure your breeding rights with all the females and gemales in your clutch.
Barack: Gemales? What the…….
Joe: Don’t play dumb. Stupidity doesn’t suit you. You monsters have three sexes. It’s a threesome all around, baby.
Kerry: Really? Can I be a reptilian?
Joe: Shut up, you. (back to Barack) Admit it! You’re in league with the Klingons, aren’t you? Aren’t you? Where is Michelle’s Bird of Prey?
Barack: OMA!!!!!!!!! You are insane! You are all insane!
Gore: Joe is very convincing. That birth certificate does seem a little bit contrived, dude.
Kerry: Totally. If I were an evil space alien, that’s totally like the birth certificate I’d forge for myself. Exactly the same.
Gore: Totally. And I never bought Hawaii. Never bought it, dude. He doesn’t even look Hawaiian. Not Hawaiian at all. Can’t hula worth a darn.
Kerry: Never seen him roast a pig. Never.
Gore: Totally. Never even seen him eat a pig. Whenever I offer him some bacon, he’s all, like, get that unclean crap away from me, you filthy infidel.
Kerry: Dude. I just had a thought. About the pig, dude. It got me thinking. Got the wheels turning. You think he might be Jewish, too? Like, a hideous, Jewish alien. An unholy halfbreed? An abomination controlling all the media in the galaxy?
Gore: Oh, oh, oh, oh. It totally makes sense now. There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling transmission.
Kerry: We will control the horizontal.
Gore: We will control the vertical.
Barack: OMAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! I’m drowning in stupid! Suffocating in stupid, dudes! I am so not a Jewish space alien!
Joe: Stop this charade. Just stop it. It’s unbecoming. Right, dudes? Am I right? Totally unbecoming. I’ve been watching you, dude. Watching you for years. You are trying to make the people stupid. First it was No Child Left Behind. Now it is Common Core. Now you want to dumb down the SATs. Make Americans stupider and stupidest. You know, it’s working. We were twenty-ninth in math last time it was checked. Twenty-ninth.
Gore: Interesting point. You know who was twenty-tenth?
Joe: Not sure. But we were behind Madagascar, for crying out loud. Madagascar!
Kerry: What? We got beat by those guys who do the Indy 500?
Joe: You’re darn right, we did. We’re officially dumber than the rednecks. His plan is working. It’s working, dudes. And it’s not just that. He is making us all dependent upon the government. Can’t live without the government. Need the government for everything. Can’t take care of ourselves. Just happy little sheep docilely doing what they are told. Eat us? Fleece us? Whatever you want.
Barack: Well, duh. Of course. That is the entire progressive agenda, dude. You were in all of the meetings. You helped plan all of this.
Joe: OMG. OMG. OMG. You’re right. No. It can’t be. It isn’t true. It can’t be. But it must be. There is no other explanation. I’m a reptilian too. I’m a filthy reptilian. Don’t look at me! I’m hideous!
Kerry: No, no, no, Joe. Don’t think of it that way. You’re not really a hideous looking human being. You’re just a really good looking space alien.
Joe: No. It’s not real. I’m not reptilian. I know I’m not. He’s in my mind. He’s just in my mind. He’s messing with my mind. Okay, okay, okay. Time to play hard ball. Time to pull out the stops. (grabs the ends to the jumper cable attached to a battery) Now you are going to tell me everything I want to know.
Barack: No, no, no. Stop him, dudes. He’s crazy. Don’t let him do this. Don’t let him do this to me. Please. Stop him. Stop him. Stop him.
Joe: Who’s gonna be laughing now, huh? Who’s gonna be laughing?
Barack: No one’s laughing. Nobody’s laughing. When was anyone laughing? No, no, no, no. I’m not laughing. Not laughing.
Joe: You’re gonna tell me. You’re gonna admit everything. (He touches both clamps of the jumper cables to Barack’s nipples)
Barack: (shivering mildly) Aaaaaaah! Ooooooo! Oh yeah. That kind of tingles. Wow. Don’t’ stop. Don’t stop.
(The battery starts smoking, explodes and bursts into flames)
Joe: What the…… Where did you find that battery?
Gore: Got it out of my Chevy Volt. You totally ruined it, dude. You owe me.
Joe: Unbelievable! Will someone go find me a real car battery? Somebody. Anybody?
Bill (enters): What’s up, dudes?
Barack: Oh, thank Allah! Untie me, Bill. These guys have gone insane. They think I’m some kind of evil, lizard space alien.
Bill: What? Him? A reptilian? You are crazy, dudes. He could never be a reptilian. They only impersonate people with real influence and power who can help them attain their goals of world domination. Mostly white folk. Don’t you give me that look Barry. Don’t even. I can say stuff like that. I was the first black President, and don’t you forget it. And I know the reptilians, dude. And Barry there is no reptilian. They wouldn’t waste their time with this lame duck loser. Putin, yes. But this guy? Nah.
Joe: You serious?
Bill: Oh, totally. They’re a really great bunch of guys. We have a lot of the same goals in mind. You should come to the next meeting.
Joe: Really. I’d be welcome?
Bill: Sure. I’ll vouche for you, dude. And make sure you stick around for the after party, dude. OMG. There are some recreational things they can do to you with those probes that will blow your mind. Rock your world. Now let’s untie that loser and get hammered while I fill you in on the details.