Gore: You need to make a law, dude. I’m tired of getting all those free samples of crap in the mail. No more free samples, dude. Ban them. They are pox on us, dude. A pox on us all.
Joe: What, dude? What? What do you have against free samples, dude? You are a Democrat still, right? Aren’t you all about free stuff? And don’t even start telling me you don’t love those little boxes of free cereal that come in the Sunday paper, dude. Don’t even tell me that.
Gore: Well, not those, dude. Of course not those. Those are awesome. But everything else. All that stuff you don’t eat. Like last week, dude. Last week I got a sample box of Always Maxi-pads in the mail. And I can’t, like, just throw them away.
Joe: Totally. You’re, like, totally green, dude. Can’t be just wasting stuff like that, man. Gotta use it before you can recycle it, dude.
Gore: Totally. So, I’m like, obligated to use them and stuff. Can’t throw them out. What am I gonna do with these? Huh? What? I mean, I’ve seen the commercials, but I don’t even really know what these are for, dude.
Joe: You too? Those commercials, are, like totally vague, dude. I don’t even know what they are talking about. Like, I’m not the target market. I’m not in the know. But I want to be in the know, dude. Want to be in the know.
Gore: Totally. But I can’t just give them away, and I sure ain’t givin’ them to that old witch, Tipper. So, I have this big global warming presentation I have to give, and I’m like, totally nervous cause like people have been asking like really hard questions and stuff lately. Not like it was 15 years ago. Wondering why the global ain’t hottening up anymore.
Joe: Why is the world not hottening, Mr. Gore? Why no hottening?
Gore: Totally like that. Just like that. So I think, I’ll try out the Always. Can’t hurt, right, dude? Can’t hurt. How could it hurt? Oh, it hurt. That commercial, dude, is a total liar. I didn’t feel confident at all. Didn’t feel secure. Not secure at all. What I felt was paranoid. What if something happened and someone found out I was wearing this thing, dude? Way worse than wearing dirty underwear. Way worse, dude. And that adhesive strip was brutal. Tearing that thing off of me was like getting a Brazilian wax, dude. Can’t hurt, dude? Can’t hurt? It totally hurt. That was an unhappy ending, dude. A total unhappy ending. I can totally see why women are acting all crazy and stuff when they are wearing these things.
Kerry: Did I hear someone say happy ending?
Joe: Totally unhappy, dude. Are you still like all swollen and stuff? Can I see?
Gore: No, you can’t see, dude. No you can’t see. (to Kerry) And no happy endings from you. Not until I heal and you finish the gender reassignment.
Joe: Why don’t you go and do some dictation or something?
Gore: But I still got all these pads and nothing to use them for. They looked kind of like insoles, but they didn’t fit well in my shoes, but they did seem to be rather absorbent. So I kept them around for spill cleanup. Good thing, too, cause I knocked over my whole carafe of wheat grass smoothie.
Joe: That green, chunky, nasty stuff you’re always drinking? That stuff is totally nasty, dude.
Gore: Totally, but the promiscuous, vegan hippy chicks totally dig it, dude. It’s like hippy Viagra mixed with Spanish Fly ladled over oysters. But anyway, I totally spilled it all, and the Always worked. It cleaned it up. Totally cleaned up. But now I’m afraid to throw them away. The guy who sorts through the recycle bin is gonna see those and think I have some horrifying, oozing disease now.
Barack: What’s up, dudes?
To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it.