Straight Line of the Day: John Kerry Warned Russia That If They Didn’t Get Out of Urkraine by Monday…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

John Kerry warned Russia that if they didn’t get out of Ukraine by Monday…

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  1. John Kerry warned Russia that if they didn’t get out of Ukraine by Monday, the president would request that his party’s Congressional members take up the issue of paying reparations to the many Crimeans unfairly encumbered by the evils of democracy while part of the Ukraine.

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  2. …………..Kerry will round up all the veterans who supposedly supported him in 2004 and stage a “real big demonstration”.
    (“…now where did I put that list, anyway…?”)

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  3. John Kerry warned Russia that if they didn’t get out of Ukraine by Monday…

    then the US would have no choice but to concede them Belarus, Latvia, Estonia and Lithuania. And, if they were especially mean they would throw in Poland as well.

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  4. John Kerry warned Russia that if they didn’t get out of Ukraine by Monday…he would think of something even meaner to day on Tuesday.

    And if they didn’t get out by Tuesday he would think of something even more mean than that to say.

    And if they didn’t get out by Wednesday… no, Wednesday would be good. We should have something put together domestically to distract everyone by then.

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  5. ….more potatoes!

    …he would call another meeting and they’d have to spend more time with him.

    …Obama would have to show some of that “flexibility” he talked about.

    …he would be getting a strongly-worded letter from the U.N. to inform him that they were considering forming a committee and non-binding resolution would soon be in the works…so if he could just have his U.N. representative vote to approve it so they could get going on drafting the letter they’d really appreciate it.

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  6. John Kerry warned Russia that if they didn’t get out of Ukraine by Monday…

    He would cry them a river… (Crimea River)

    He would show up at the Kremlin, salute and say, “Reporting for duty!”

    Teresa would get angry. Then he lost control of all bodily functions

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  7. … he would cancel his subscription to Pravda.
    … he would not give Putin anymore ‘horsey back’ rides.
    … he would delay sending in his annual dues to the Communist Party.
    … he would send Pussy Riot the case of ketchup that he had promised to Putin.

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  8. . . . that Zippy is going to return the busts of his idols Lenin and Stalin.

    . . . no more plastic prop apparently-written-in-Austrian reset buttons for you, Vladimir!

    . . . he’s sending Fauxcahontas over there with a big mean tomahawk.

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  9. @26 blarg — I almost forgot about the potatoes. Did anyone ever figure out what that embarrassment was all about?

    @37 Bob B: “Flip, Flip. Flip-Flop-adelphia.” (John Kerry version)

    …. Kerry would withhold his recipe for Swift Boatox.

    … Obama would have no choice but to establish an INFRAred line.

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  10. …he was gonna grab his shotgun and come crawling on his belly to hunt him some Roosskies.

    …he was “going to come over there and put a foot in somebodies shoe, and I’m alllllll out of shoehorn Buddy”.

    …Obama’s rapper friends would go back to mixing their White Russians with cough syrup.

    …he would out testosterone Hillary for once ask Congress what difference at this point does it make and then he would wait for the answer.

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  11. John Kerry warned Russia that if they didn’t get out of Ukraine by Monday…

    Kerry will deliver the Administration’s response that will be preempted by a special news report about the discovery of Malaysian Airlines Flight 370. The location will have been leaked to the press late Monday evening by an unnamed source. Thereby monopolizing the mainstream-media’s air time for weeks and making Kerry’s ultimatum a moot point and quickly forgotten.

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  12. John Kerry warned Russia that if they didn’t get out of Ukraine by Monday…that he will fart in Putin’s general direction and inform the world that Putin’s mother was a hamster and his father smelled of elderberries.

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  13. …Obama would get America’s finest NEA-funded artists to Photoshop a very hurtful picture of Putin.

    …he would promise Ukraine “if you like your sovereignty, you can keep your sovereignty”

    …he would have that one ship he saw fit to send in and show American presence in the Black Sea force Russia to show Ukraine some rspect.

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  14. …he’ll send in Slim Pickens with a Roosky survival kit: “Survival kit contents check. In them you’ll find: one forty-five caliber automatic; two boxes of ammunition; four days’ concentrated emergency rations; one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills; one miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible; one hundred dollars in rubles; one hundred dollars in gold; nine packs of chewing gum; one issue of prophylactics; three lipsticks; three pair of nylon stockings. Shoot, a fella’ could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.”

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  15. … Liberals would start buying bumper stickers that say “Free Ukraine”. (Incidentally, said stickers would be manufactured in Russia, right across the border from the factory where China makes the “Free Tibet” bumper stickers).

    … College students would totally start boycotting nesting dolls.

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