Straight Line of the Day: John Kerry Warned Russia That If They Didn’t Get Out of Urkraine by Monday…

Posted on March 17, 2014 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

John Kerry warned Russia that if they didn’t get out of Ukraine by Monday…

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54 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: John Kerry Warned Russia That If They Didn’t Get Out of Urkraine by Monday…”

  1. THOR says:

    The Leprechauns would steal their Lucky Charms

  2. Oppo says:

    Poor Barry would have a bad case of the Mondays.

  3. c64wood says:

    …he would give them until Tuesday.

  4. Jimmy says:

    …he’d send in the clowns.

  5. Tater Salad says:

    …he’d take away their supply of Guinness and cancel St. Patrick’s Day in Kiev.

  6. walruskkkch says:

    John Kerry warned Russia that if they didn’t get out of Ukraine by Monday…

    He’d throw his Vietnam War medals at them.

  7. Tater Salad says:

    ….and if cancelling St. Patrick’s Day didn’t work, on Tuesday he’d take his drunken, hungover self to Moscow and vomit all over Putin’s shoes

  8. Eric Praline says:

    …he’d throw his medals over the Kremlin fence.

  9. walruskkkch says:

    John Kerry warned Russia that if they didn’t get out of Ukraine by Monday…

    He’ll gladly wait until Tuesday or maybe June but not a moment after Jan. 20, 2017!

  10. Bob B says:

    …he would be forced to taunt them a second time…

  11. Eric Praline says:

    Beaten by a few seconds, I haz a sad.

  12. walruskkkch says:

    John Kerry warned Russia that if they didn’t get out of Ukraine by Monday…

    he’d give them such a pinch!

  13. Tater Salad says:

    …President Braveheart would send in the New Black Panthers.

  14. Eric Praline says:

    …he’d release the kraken.

  15. walruskkkch says:

    John Kerry warned Russia that if they didn’t get out of Ukraine by Monday…

    that nothing will happen. A whole lotta nothing so they better just B-Ware!

  16. Tater Salad says:

    …he’d call Putin’s actions worse than the atrocities of JEN-JISS Khan.

  17. JeffersonFan says:

    …he’d send in Dennis Rodman to befriend Putin.

  18. Manolo says:

    John Kerry warned Russia that if they didn’t get out of Ukraine by Monday, the White House would post a selfie of Obama reflecting on the situation really hard.

  19. Manolo says:

    John Kerry warned Russia that if they didn’t get out of Ukraine by Monday, Obama would turn loose his newly formed 1st Gaymando Brigade.

  20. Manolo says:

    John Kerry warned Russia that if they didn’t get out of Ukraine by Monday, on Tuesday Obama would puff out his lower lip and stamp his foot REAL hard.

  21. Manolo says:

    John Kerry warned Russia that if they didn’t get out of Ukraine by Monday, the president would request that his party’s Congressional members take up the issue of paying reparations to the many Crimeans unfairly encumbered by the evils of democracy while part of the Ukraine.

  22. Uncle Kevvie says:

    …………..Kerry will round up all the veterans who supposedly supported him in 2004 and stage a “real big demonstration”.
    (“…now where did I put that list, anyway…?”)

  23. AT says:

    …that there would be absolutely no consequence, but someone would blather something about “the wrong side of history.”

  24. walruskkkch says:

    John Kerry warned Russia that if they didn’t get out of Ukraine by Monday…

    then the US would have no choice but to concede them Belarus, Latvia, Estonia and Lithuania. And, if they were especially mean they would throw in Poland as well.

  25. Chip says:

    John Kerry warned Russia that if they didn’t get out of Ukraine by Monday…he would think of something even meaner to day on Tuesday.

    And if they didn’t get out by Tuesday he would think of something even more mean than that to say.

    And if they didn’t get out by Wednesday… no, Wednesday would be good. We should have something put together domestically to distract everyone by then.

  26. blarg says:

    ….more potatoes!

    …he would call another meeting and they’d have to spend more time with him.

    …Obama would have to show some of that “flexibility” he talked about.

    …he would be getting a strongly-worded letter from the U.N. to inform him that they were considering forming a committee and non-binding resolution would soon be in the works…so if he could just have his U.N. representative vote to approve it so they could get going on drafting the letter they’d really appreciate it.

  27. blarg says:

    …they’d put Biden with a shotgun in a balcony of a Ukranian house.

  28. blarg says:

    …he would have to claim that he was against the Ukrainian invasion before he was for it.

  29. blarg says:

    …nobody would take the U.S. seriously anymore

  30. Burt says:

    …He will send over BFF Jane Fonda to sit on an anti-aircraft gun. Putin reminded Kerry that he had the only key to the ISS.

  31. c64wood says:

    John Kerry warned Russia that if they didn’t get out of Ukraine by Monday…

    He would cry them a river… (Crimea River)

    He would show up at the Kremlin, salute and say, “Reporting for duty!”

    Teresa would get angry. Then he lost control of all bodily functions

  32. Bob B says:

    …he would send his “It’s Always Sunny In Washington D.C” buddies over for a little chat (Oh Dude!)

  33. Burt says:

    …unleash Urkle on the ‘Urkraine’.

  34. Fred Key says:

    …he’d bleed on them.

  35. Doug says:

    … he would cancel his subscription to Pravda.
    … he would not give Putin anymore ‘horsey back’ rides.
    … he would delay sending in his annual dues to the Communist Party.
    … he would send Pussy Riot the case of ketchup that he had promised to Putin.

  36. HokieGomer says:

    …that Putin had best be prepared for the Spanish Inquisition, because NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!

  37. Gumbeaux says:

    . . . that Zippy is going to return the busts of his idols Lenin and Stalin.

    . . . no more plastic prop apparently-written-in-Austrian reset buttons for you, Vladimir!

    . . . he’s sending Fauxcahontas over there with a big mean tomahawk.

  38. Oppo says:

    @26 blarg — I almost forgot about the potatoes. Did anyone ever figure out what that embarrassment was all about?

    @37 Bob B: “Flip, Flip. Flip-Flop-adelphia.” (John Kerry version)

    …. Kerry would withhold his recipe for Swift Boatox.

    … Obama would have no choice but to establish an INFRAred line.

  39. Dohtimes says:

    …he was gonna grab his shotgun and come crawling on his belly to hunt him some Roosskies.

    …he was “going to come over there and put a foot in somebodies shoe, and I’m alllllll out of shoehorn Buddy”.

    …Obama’s rapper friends would go back to mixing their White Russians with cough syrup.

    …he would out testosterone Hillary for once ask Congress what difference at this point does it make and then he would wait for the answer.

  40. Oppo says:

    … Obama would be forced (as much as he hates to) to call Putin bossy.

    … Obama will be forced to sign a Munich Agreement — without the “M.”

  41. Keith says:

    … He’d draw a Red Line, and Putin would become this year’s Assad.

  42. Keith says:

    … Lois Lerner would be coming out of retirement, and Russia is going on her list.

  43. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …he’ll decrease the security of the US embassy in Crimea and post insulting videos of Putin on YouTube.

  44. c64wood says:

    John Kerry warned Russia that if they didn’t get out of Ukraine by Monday…

    Kerry will deliver the Administration’s response that will be preempted by a special news report about the discovery of Malaysian Airlines Flight 370. The location will have been leaked to the press late Monday evening by an unnamed source. Thereby monopolizing the mainstream-media’s air time for weeks and making Kerry’s ultimatum a moot point and quickly forgotten.

  45. frogmouth says:

    Then he would call and remind them. Sternly.

  46. frogmouth says:

    All Heinz products would cease to be exported to Russia.

  47. zzyzx says:

    John Kerry warned Russia that if they didn’t get out of Ukraine by Monday…that he will fart in Putin’s general direction and inform the world that Putin’s mother was a hamster and his father smelled of elderberries.

  48. Richard Turner says:

    That it would indeed cost him just like the Prez warned. Putin will be forced to bring his own six pack next time Big O holds a beer summit.

  49. blarg says:

    …Obama would unfriend Putin on the Twitters.

  50. blarg says:

    …Obama would roll over and submissively pee on himself

  51. blarg says:

    …Obama would get America’s finest NEA-funded artists to Photoshop a very hurtful picture of Putin.

    …he would promise Ukraine “if you like your sovereignty, you can keep your sovereignty”

    …he would have that one ship he saw fit to send in and show American presence in the Black Sea force Russia to show Ukraine some rspect.

  52. Jimmy says:

    …he’ll send in Slim Pickens with a Roosky survival kit: “Survival kit contents check. In them you’ll find: one forty-five caliber automatic; two boxes of ammunition; four days’ concentrated emergency rations; one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills; one miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible; one hundred dollars in rubles; one hundred dollars in gold; nine packs of chewing gum; one issue of prophylactics; three lipsticks; three pair of nylon stockings. Shoot, a fella’ could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.”

  53. Karen says:

    … he would try extra hard to keep a straight face when saying that there would be consequences.

  54. Karen says:

    … Liberals would start buying bumper stickers that say “Free Ukraine”. (Incidentally, said stickers would be manufactured in Russia, right across the border from the factory where China makes the “Free Tibet” bumper stickers).

    … College students would totally start boycotting nesting dolls.

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