Straight Line of the Day: Scientists Have Decided to Destroy Space Junk With a Giant Laser. Rejected Plans…

Posted on March 12, 2014 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Scientists have decided to destroy space junk with a giant laser. Rejected plans…

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43 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: Scientists Have Decided to Destroy Space Junk With a Giant Laser. Rejected Plans…”

  1. Burt says:

    …butterfly nets.

  2. Burt says:

    …Joe Arpaio work gangs.

  3. Burt says:

    …T Rex mounts.

  4. Steve H says:

    Rejected Plans…

    … destroying Tea Partiers with a giant laser (“it seemed like a good idea at the time”)

  5. Bob B says:

    …included allowing global warming to increase to the melting point of space junk.

  6. Bob B says:

    …included purchasing Duck Commander brand space junk calls.

  7. Burt says:

    …hiring one Carnival Barker and charging people to do the actual shooting for them.

  8. FormerHostage says:

    …an Illudium P-38 Space Modulator.

  9. Iowa Jim says:

    . . . include sending Michael Moore and Chris Christie into space to eat the space junk.

  10. FormerHostage says:

    …a really, really, really, really big Sham-Wow.

  11. FormerHostage says:

    …using the “Obama Gambit” – declare that the problem doesn’t exist and ignore it.

  12. FormerHostage says:

    …dump it all into the black hole that is Nancy Pelosi’s intellect.

  13. FormerHostage says:


  14. Eric Praline says:

    …pass a bill declaring everyone has a right to free space junk. There’ll be a shortage in no time.

  15. FormerHostage says:

    …re-boot a 70’s comedy show: Sanford and Son…IN SPACE!

  16. FormerHostage says:

    …Damn! Now I have that theme song running in my head.

  17. Bob B says:

    …included extending Obama’s chief foreign policy practice beyond the atmosphere…DRONES IN SPACE!

  18. FormerHostage says:

    …sell it to hipster astronauts.

  19. Bob B says:

    …included deploying Dick Cheney with a shotgun.

  20. Bob B says:

    …involved issuing a strongly-worded communique to the space junk, imploring it to “not hit our stuff or fall on our heads”, and warning that any noncompliance would be met with an even stronger-worded statement of condemnation and ambiguous threats of further action.

  21. Bob B says:

    …required drawing a red line in space…

  22. c64wood says:

    a slingshot and a bag of pebbles

    Gunpowder, guillotine, dynamite with a laser beam.
    Guaranteed to blow your mind. Anytime

    Mr. Bojangles

    Obama and the choom gang. They’ll get high enough to reach up and pull them down

  23. Bob B says:

    …involved employing the vacuum of space to suck up all the space junk.

  24. Bob B says:

    …included taxing space junk out of existence.

  25. dontplayrockytop says:

    (rejected plans) …
    included a promising venture by one Harry Broderick of the Jettison Scrap & salvage Co. But sadly Andy Griffith was unavailable for the mission:


  26. AT says:

    … an executive order commanding the space junk to stop being there.

  27. blarg says:

    …were awarded billion dollar contracts just in case. ‘Cause you know, it’s just tax money.

    …included running PSA’s of C3PO turning to the camera with a tear in its eye.

    …included registering space junk as Democrat voters.

  28. blarg says:

    …involved demanding that that it be called “undocumented satellites” and giving them space-amnesty.

  29. Dohtimes says:

    …Lorena Bobbitt, space junk removal.

    …A NASectomy.

    …Wait for The Big One, let his son sell it.

    …Let the Democrats hear that Big Junk is making profits from it.

  30. Dohtimes says:

    …NASA outreach, stick a Star of David on each and send some Muslims on a one way trip.

    …draw the U.S. border on the other side of Uranus, declare the junk to be made in Mexico.

  31. can of spam says:

    … triangular spaceships with rudimentary controls (rotate, thrust,and fire cannons only). Three of them, but only one deployed at a time, though more might be added to the fleet depending on the level of success of the first three.

  32. can of spam says:

    @31: Best part? It will only cost $0.25!

  33. can of spam says:

    … telling Putin that the space junk contain oil and natural gas and hoping he’ll try to annex them.

  34. can of spam says:

    … nuking the moon to send an object lesson to any space junk in the area.

  35. can of spam says:

    … blaming the Koch Brothers for it.

  36. Anonymiss says:

    Hahaha I like your plans better :)

  37. Writer says:

    … included simply nudging it into an intercept course with the White house.

  38. Oppo says:

    Declaring that the space junk has some relation to Obama’s past. Oh, it’ll disappear. And the press won’t even be that curious how.

    Have the space junk piss off Hillary.

    Have they considered a space trunk?

  39. Karen says:

    … Was a laser that tricked space cats into batting the garbage away.

    … It may be junk, but slap a $1 price sticker on it, and you could still sell it at any flea market.

  40. Oppo says:

    …make special modifications to it so it can make the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.

  41. 4of7 says:

    String it all together with solar powered Christmas lights, and wait for Freedom From Religion to remove it.

  42. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …involved borrowing Michelle’s Bird of Prey.

  43. archangel says:

    …declaring the white house ‘space junk’.

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