Note: When someone says, "I have a cold," you’re not legally obligated to say, "there's something going around.”
— jon gabriel (@exjon) March 7, 2014
look fellas, I joined this gang to wear fun matching bandanas and jackets with friends. I don't know about all this crime stuff.
— lawblob (@lawblob) March 7, 2014
Catholic: religious person or someone with a feline dependency?
— The Natewolf (@thenatewolf) March 7, 2014
It's almost like Vladimir Putin doesn't understand how awesome Americans are at dance-fighting.
— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) March 7, 2014
I don’t need Google Glass. I’m married so I already have someone in my peripheral vision, giving me updates and telling me what to do next.
— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) March 7, 2014
In Dan Quayle's defense, the song about how to spell potato never cracked the Billboard 100 chart
— Political Math (@politicalmath) March 8, 2014
here's a question for people who eat apples everyday: why do u hate doctors
— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) March 8, 2014
At some point marriage just becomes two people telling each other how tired they are.
— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) March 8, 2014
Netflix: Don't hate a tv show's theme song? You’re about to.
— tony logan (@tnylgn) March 8, 2014