Remember me? The kid you bullied for being fat? Well guess what, I'm back, and fatter than ever. But now I'm wearing monster energy gear.
— michael (@michaeljhudson) March 17, 2014
To everyone at the office mad at me for forgetting to wear green—I work alone at home, so all this yelling is really starting to unnerve me.
— FrancescoMarciuliano (@fmarciuliano) March 17, 2014
Dear Mr. Obama: please do not tax my son for failing to buy insurance. He had a hardship. Signed, Epstein's Mother
— John Hayward (@Doc_0) March 17, 2014
When you guys joke about Whole Foods, know that it hurts me on a deep & personal level. That place is wonderful. I'm sorry that you're poor.
— Mom™ (@gentilecoont) March 17, 2014
Democrats: Know with absolute certainty human activity is warming the planet. Couldn't possibly calculate how many signed up for Obamacare.
— Rep. Steve Stockman (@SteveWorks4You) March 17, 2014
Fun game: 1. Write down your Flight 370 theories on 4×6 index cards. 2. On blank one on top write, "I wasted time on this." 3. All done!
— pourmecoffee (@pourmecoffee) March 17, 2014
Democracy means I get the government you deserve.
— Dan McLaughlin (@baseballcrank) March 17, 2014
Baby I had a tough day at the office, something was making my mouse wheel sticky & hard to rotate – I’m exhausted.
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) March 17, 2014
Doesn't seem fair that only professional athletes and alcoholics get sponsors. 🙁
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) March 17, 2014