"Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds." – John Lennon, the world's worst Clue player
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) August 19, 2013
how i met your mother? more like ted talks
— ∴ dataisplural (@dataisplural) March 14, 2014
Dogs will listen to your secrets as long as you use a nice tone of voice. "Did I hit that homeless lady with my car?! Yes I did! Yes I did!"
— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) March 14, 2014
im return this phone "receipt?" no, but I'm v honest. "what's wrong?" bad range "sir it's 2 tin cans and a string" a short string, bad range
— timmy pumpkin (@TimmyPumpkin) March 14, 2014
*sprays self with bear spray "Is it working am I a bear?"
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) March 14, 2014
Memo to autocorrect: I pretty much never meant to say "wayfarer"
— Leon Wolf (@LeonHWolf) March 14, 2014
Sadly, because we keep eating the eggs, the Cadbury Creme bird has now almost become extinct.
— Obviously Just Me (@ObviouslyJustMe) March 15, 2014
My evenings are now mostly just plugging in devices.
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) March 16, 2014
My superpower is never needing a scarf.
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 16, 2014
Say what you will about Fred Phelps, but he was a hell of a swimmer
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 16, 2014
*guy is choking* what? what is that? *grabs neck & points at it* your neck? your neck is cold? *starts dying* do…DO YOU WANT A SCARF??
— sadvil (@crylenol) March 16, 2014