I Quit

Posted on April 3, 2014 11:45 am

I give up on politics.  I just quit.  I’m just gonna sit back and watch the nation collapse into a debt singularity.  So I’ll just spend the last remaining years of normalcy returning to the thing I am most passionate about.  Writing greeting cards.  Here are some of my first attempts.  Let me know which you think would be the best sellers.

  • I’m really excited. Now that we have cut some of that dead wood, the company can really move forward and make some profit. Happy Early Retirement!
  • You know, sometimes people resolve to lose some weight, but I think you can step it up this year. Why don’t you resolve to change your entire personality? And lose some weight. Happy New Years!
  • I miss you. I miss the sound of your voice. The smell of your hair. The sight of your supple breasts. It just hasn’t been the same around the house since you left and we had to get a new nanny.
  • Sorry about your cat. You know, you’re not the only one suffering. It put up more of a fight than I would have expected. My arms are pretty scratched up. They weren’t kidding about that nine lives thing, but if I threw it down hard enough or dazed it good against a wall first or something, the odds of it landing on its feet were only about 50/50, so that myth is busted.
  • Missing you. I haven’t seen you in forever. Why? Why did you start shutting the blinds? Love the new shower curtain, by the way, and that soft, new quilt on your bed and that purring sound you make when you sleep, dreaming of me, I don’t doubt. I dream of you. Thinking of you. Always, thinking of you.
  • Unwanted sexual advances from my roommate. Playing basketball with guys with more tattoos than brain cells. Wishing there was only a fly in my food. All because you couldn’t keep your big mouth shut. In 5 to 7 years, I’m coming for you. Wishing you were here.
  • I was going to get you a box of chocolates, but given recent developments, I got you a gym membership instead. Happy Valentines Day!
  • Sometimes dead is better. Congrats on your husband’s life insurance payout! For a percentage I’ll keep that evidence hidden.
  • I guess you are still pretty mad at me for sleeping with your wife. But, in my defense, you left her for almost a year and she was lonely. Happy Veteran’s Day.
  • So we’ve been together for 10 years now, and I know we haven’t made love as much as we used to due to the kids…. and the wife. Happy Secretary’s Day!
  • Dearest grandmother, I’ve been eagerly awaiting the chance to come over again and get my hands on those dark, meaty thighs and succulent, white breasts. Yours are a singular smorgasbord with which none may compare. Happy Thanksgiving!
  • Worried about you. We’ve enclosed the number for the suicide hotline. Please give them a call, and don’t do anything rash on an empty stomach. You know how grumpy you get when you are hungry. We aren’t only worried about you, but also about everyone in the potential blast radius. Happy Ramadan!
  • I know it is traditional to send flowers to a funeral, but I just couldn’t bear to after little Johnny ate all the poinsettias I sent you. My condolences and merry Christmas.
  • Red by yellow, kill a fellow. Red by yellow a friendly fellow. I never could keep those straight. Both were such hideous fashion sense, hon. I can’t remember which one I taught little Johnny, but it was apparently wrong. And to think their biggest concern about making me scoutmaster was that I would try to seduce the little darlings. Condolences on your loss.
  • Thanks for coming to our barbeque. Who knew it was bad to leave chicken salad out in the sun all day? Sorry your mom didn’t make it, but I hope you get well soon.
  • I told the guys we should have sprung for the more upscale hooker for your bachelor party. Get well soon! Wait, is herpes something you can get well from?
  • I just want to thank you for helping me believe in aliens again. There is no way on earth that thing is entirely human. Congratulations on your new baby!
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7 Responses to “I Quit”

  1. AT says:

    I give up on politics. I just quit. I’m just gonna sit back and watch the nation collapse into a debt singularity.

    Truth. That’s why I stopped visiting news/blog sites, and now exclusively reside in places where we just abjectly ridicule what’s going on.

    I like Twitchy too.

  2. Jimmy says:

    There all good, Lactose. But I would change “Little Jimmy” to “Little Johnny.”

    Little Jimmy’s don’t die. They grow up to be big, strong ass kickers!

  3. Chuck says:

    All good except make it “Happy New Year.” I mean, let’s take it one year at a time.

  4. TerribleTroy says:

    “I guess you are still pretty mad at me for sleeping with your wife. But, in my defense, you left her for almost a year and she was lonely. Happy Veteran’s Day.”

    too freakin funny…

  5. Lactose the Intolerant says:

    @2 Ok. Wouldn’t want to tarnish the reputation of an ass kicker. My ass has been unkicked for a while now, and that is just how I like it.

  6. Jimmy says:

    Oh, WOW! You actually replaced “Jimmy” with “Johnny” !!

    Bwahahahaha!

    (Thanks for making me laugh.)

  7. Lactose the Intolerant says:

    @6 Well, I was gonna change them to little Buttercup, but I was afraid that would finally get me kicked off the site. I’m pretty sure I’m already on probation as it is.

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