(Barack, Joe, Bill and Kerry are in the Oval Office planning how to fake Barack’s and Joe’s deaths so they can avoid a butt kicking from Putin)
Barack: Ya, we totally have to fake our death, dude. No other options. Putin’s too wiley. Too full of wile. But now that you found out anyway, we don’t have to hide out with the street rats. We can crash at your place.
Bill: No way, dudes. You aren’t staying with me. I don’t need you two losers scaring away all the interns. Cramping my style.
Barack: Come on, dude. You gotta let us crash. We got nowhere else to go.
Bill: No way, dudes. Ya gotta make it on your own. I don’t believe in handouts.
Barack: What? Don’t believe in handouts. You totally believe in handouts, dude. Handouts all around.
Bill: Well, not with my own stuff I don’t. Not handing out my own stuff. What do I look like? The government?
Joe: I got it. I got it. I got it. We can live with all those illegal Mexicans, dude. Follow our gardener back to his shanty town and we can blend right in.
Kerry: Blend in? Blend in? How are you gonna blend in, you loser? (motioning to Barack) Now him, I can understand.
Barack: Totally. I’m a chocolate god. I could totally pull off an illegal Cuban or Haitian or something.
Kerry: Oh yeah, totally. Especially if you got one of those voodoo top hats and stuff. And like a cane. Like that dude in the James Bond movies. And some snakes. And some hot voodoo women sidekicks.
Barack: Not Michelle, though, right?
Kerry: Oh no. I thought the ‘hot’ made that point clear. No, no. But you could totally be a Haitian American dude.
Bill: Well, if he were illegal, he wouldn’t really be a Haitian American. Maybe a Haitian Unamerican?
Kerry: I don’t want to argue about semantics. But he could totally pull it off. That is all I am saying.
Bill: But whitey over there? He looks about as illegal as Whitewater, dude.
Kerry: Whitewater? That was totally illegal, dude.
Bill: You sure? I’m not in prison, dude. So I’m pretty sure it wasn’t illegal.
Kerry: You sure? I’m pretty sure someone went to prison. Pretty sure something illegal was going on there.
Bill: I’m just saying. If it were illegal, I would have done some time. Our justice system wouldn’t let me get away with it. But, ok, ok, ok. If you are gonna gripe, new metaphor. He looks about as illegal as lying under oath.
Kerry: Totally illegal too, dude. It’s perfidy. Total perfidy. Totally illegal.
Bill: I think you mean perjury, dude. Are you illiterate?
Kerry: Illiterate? Illiterate? What does that mean? Is that even a word? Perjury?
Bill: Yeah, perjury. And it’s not illegal if you don’t believe in the Bible, dude.
Bill: Yeah. If you swear on the Bible to tell the truth, but you don’t believe in the Bible, then it is totally not lying, dude. Doesn’t count. Nice legal loophole. Used it all the time.
Kerry: That doesn’t sound right. Not at all. But I don’t know enough about the law to dispute it.
Barack: Me either.
Bill: Or the Bible.
Kerry: Or the Bible.
Barack: Never read that one, either.
Kerry: Can’t dispute a thing you are saying.
Joe: But you are all forgetting something. The illegal thing you losers are forgetting about is profiling, dudes. You’re profiling me, dudes. What? Just cause I’m white I can’t pass for an illegal alien? Totally profiling, me dudes.
Bill: Never pass, dude.
Joe: Stop profiling me, dude. Stop profiling.
Bill: You’ll get shanked five feet into the shanty town.
Joe: Stop profiling. You’re profiling.
Bill: Bleeding out while they steal your shoes and your teeth.
Kerry: And your hair. For their voodoo rituals, dude. They might even make you a zombie, dude.
Bill: You wanna be the walking dead? You’ll never pass. You are not only white, dude. You are ultra white. You will never pass.
Joe: Ah, ah, ah. Wait a minute. Remember when we had that party? Remember? We all dressed up and watched 12 Years a Slave? I still have some shoe polish left, dude. Yes, yes. I can do this.
Bill: Oh yeah. You were pretty convincing, dude.
Joe: Yeah, you called security on me and everything.
Bill: Well, yeah, but that wasn’t cause we thought you were black.
Joe: Wait? What?
Kerry: You kept yapping. Throwing out spoilers. And not even about that movie.
Barack: Totally obnoxious, dude. I hadn’t seen Lincoln yet, dude. How was I supposed to know he died in the end? You totally ruined it for me.
Joe: You know, talking about Lincoln. That movie was much more impressive when I found out it was based on a true story.
Barack: Really? Well, that kind of explains why they thought it was okay to kill off the main character.
Joe: Totally. The first time I saw it I had to keep checking the credits to see if George R. R. Martin was the writer.
Hillary: Hey. What’s up guys?
Bill: Oh, we’re just helping Barack and Joe kill themselves.
Hillary: Oh, I totally want a piece of that action. I’m in.