Straight Line of the Day: A New Machine Can Tell Whether a Person Is Liberal or Conservative by…

Posted on April 7, 2014 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

A new machine can tell if a person is liberal or conservative by…

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38 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: A New Machine Can Tell Whether a Person Is Liberal or Conservative by…”

  1. Bob B says:

    …gauging the gag reflex when a subject is shown a picture of Nancy Pelosi or Harry Reid.

  2. Bob B says:

    …testing the “tingling leg” sensation when shown a picture of Barack Obama.

  3. c64wood says:

    …first determining whether or not you choose to live in a fantasy or a reality. After that, it’s easy.

    …your answer to the question, “Which side of a duck has the most feathers?”

  4. Jimmy says:

    …measuring blood pressure response when shown pictures of Obama or hearing audible clips.

    …how fast viewers change TV channels when Obama comes on. It’s called the “Hit The Clicker Test.”

  5. Burt says:

    …analyzing whether the test subject is more inclined to rage against it or try to learn to operate it.

  6. Burt says:

    …testing for desire to ‘stick it to the man’ or ‘be the man’.

  7. tankdemon says:

    Testing their ability to fill out a butterfly ballot.

  8. Gumbeaux says:

    A New Machine Can Tell Whether a Person Is Liberal or Conservative by

    … measuring the person’s IQ as under 50 (liberal), over 110 (conservative), or somewhere in between (McCain, leaning heavily toward 50).

  9. Steve H says:

    … testing for the existence of a spine (politicians only)
    … audible gunfire (if subject dives under table…)
    … adult subject is wearing PJs and/or drinking hot cocoa.
    … Which level rises when mentioning Rush Limbaugh or Sarah Palin? 1)Blood Pressure, 2)Dopamine.
    … Fill in the blank: Laura Ingraham is totally _________.
    … Subject smells like a hippy.

  10. Chip says:

    A new machine can tell if a person is liberal or conservative by… measuring the reaction to the “Brought to you by Obamacare” label on the front of the device. Liberals will tend to relax and smile while conservatives will tense up and become agitated.

  11. Steve H says:

    A New Machine Can Tell Whether a Person Is Liberal or Conservative by…

    … if they are employed* (or want to be) and have children they love,
    as opposed to living with their parents or willfully on public assistance.

    * – Including homemakers.

  12. Hordog says:

    …pinching the subject on the arm. If he cries and demands free health care…liberal. If he punches the machine in its hippie face…conservative.

  13. Jimmy says:

    …probing deeply into their M I N D.

  14. CCO says:

    …it’s a voting booth.

  15. Jimmy says:

    …noting their reaction to “Itchy and Scratchy” clips from the Simpsons. If they laugh with the kids, they’re Conservative because Conservatives are VIOLENT!

  16. Anonymiss says:

    Evaluating the precision of their responses to “Describe Anonymiss”

  17. Bob B says:

    …answering the question, “Is trying to earn a cookie an example of freedom or slavery?”

  18. Jimmy says:

    …asking one simple question:

    “How many times have you puked while watching the news in the last 30 days.

    Answer key:

    0 – Liberal

    1-2 – Moderate Republican

    3-4 – Conservative

    5-9 – TEA party member

    10+ – Terrorist

  19. FormerHostage says:

    …noting if the subject operates the machine or waits for someone to come along and do it for them.

  20. Comrade Chairman Obama says:

    A New Machine Can Tell Whether a Person Is Liberal or Conservative by:

    – releasing a cloud of patchouli and measuring their reaction; positive reaction = Liberal

    – asking the subject what “Bogart” means; if subject answers “Humphrey”, = Conservative

    – taking a scan with the “Glassy-Eyed-O-Meter”; high reading = Liberal

    – analyzing body odor to determine approximately how long it’s been since they’ve bathed; long time since bathing = Liberal

    – asking the subject to speak extemporaneously for one minute, and measuring the number of “uhh”s, “umms”, and superfluous “like”s; high number = Liberal

    – asking the question “what is your gender”; if subject answers with anything other than “male” or “female” = Liberal

    – analyze voice with the “Femme-O-Meter”; high reading for males = Liberal; high reading for females = Conservative

    – analyzing subject’s voice for smugness, smarmyness, arrogance and condescension; high reading = Liberal

    – making the subject watch and listen to Barack Obama for five minutes without a break; vomiting, diarrhea, or any gaseous expulsions = Conservative

    – Asking the subject if they agree or disagree with the following statements (the answers speak for themselves):
    —– “At some point, you’ve made enough money”
    —– “I think if you spread the wealth around, it’s better for everybody”
    —– “George W. Bush and Dick Cheney are the Spawn of Satan”
    —– “The phrase ‘separation of church and state’ are in the Constitution somewhere”
    —– “The Constitution says I have the right to free stuff”
    —– “It’s OK to use government coercion to silence people who disagree with the President”
    —– “Barack Obama is the greatest President since Josiah Bartlet”
    —– “The 2nd Amendment does not apply to individual citizens”
    —– “Michelle Obama is one classy lady”

  21. Kent says:

    checking to see if their gun is loaded.

  22. James says:

    . . . assessing reactions to the news that Anonymiss has run out of cookies and that more won’t be available for at least an hour.

  23. NO_MO_BAMA says:

    ….by reading their bumper stickers (or lack thereof).

  24. Jimmy says:

    …recording which blogs they visit.

    …detecting if they think Frank J’s jokes are funny.

  25. Steve H says:

    @16 – Um, amazing physics-defying cookies, um, snow in her driveway, um, goes to weddings, um, um, help me out here…

  26. Jimmy says:

    Have you ever noticed that Frank never participates in the SLOTD?

    I guess that is more of “random thought.”

  27. Oppo says:

    … Barry-metric readings.

    … employing cutting-edge nannytechnology.

    … analyzing the subject’s Paine receptors.

    … measuring knee-jerk reaction time.

    … graphing the subject’s responses to see if they constituent a hometown schtick.

    .. detecting if the subject is a {expletives} thief, and truly the scum of the earth.

  28. Oppo says:

    … conducting the test during working hours.
    (I know, not a perfect test; but still a good first indicator.)

  29. Oppo says:

    … asking a battery of questions, presenting the subject with Hollywood’s versions of the answers, and seeing if the responses change.

  30. Oppo says:

    Footnote: Hey!! Autocorrect changed my “to see if they constitute a hokey schtick” to “constituent a hometown schtick,” above. (And tried to do it again, here.) [I’ll get even with you, Kindle Autocorrect!]

  31. Dohtimes says:

    …setting a hippie on fire and waiting to see if laughter ensues.

    …the volume and variety of DNA found the average liberal.

    …pushing Harry Reid down a flight of steps. Results are inconclusive so far but conservatives have not complained once.

  32. Dohtimes says:

    …checking with the NSA.

  33. Writer says:

    … their Bar order.

  34. CLIFF says:

    ..first of all, the machines’ name is Endoscope

  35. CrabbyOldBat says:

    . . . counting the number of times he or she has been punched in the face by Frank.

  36. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …detecting the odor of patchouli oil vs. gun oil.

  37. archangel says:

    …having two buttons: “push here for a $40,000/ yr job with upward mobility”, and “push here for $40,000/ yr in welfare benefits at the expense of others”. I think you can interpret from there.

  38. JAGernaut says:

    A new machine can tell if a person is liberal or conservative by counting the number of times they vote each election.

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