Straight Line of the Day: A New Machine Can Tell Whether a Person Is Liberal or Conservative by…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

A new machine can tell if a person is liberal or conservative by…

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  1. …first determining whether or not you choose to live in a fantasy or a reality. After that, it’s easy.

    …your answer to the question, “Which side of a duck has the most feathers?”


  2. …measuring blood pressure response when shown pictures of Obama or hearing audible clips.

    …how fast viewers change TV channels when Obama comes on. It’s called the “Hit The Clicker Test.”


  3. A New Machine Can Tell Whether a Person Is Liberal or Conservative by

    … measuring the person’s IQ as under 50 (liberal), over 110 (conservative), or somewhere in between (McCain, leaning heavily toward 50).


  4. … testing for the existence of a spine (politicians only)
    … audible gunfire (if subject dives under table…)
    … adult subject is wearing PJs and/or drinking hot cocoa.
    … Which level rises when mentioning Rush Limbaugh or Sarah Palin? 1)Blood Pressure, 2)Dopamine.
    … Fill in the blank: Laura Ingraham is totally _________.
    … Subject smells like a hippy.


  5. A new machine can tell if a person is liberal or conservative by… measuring the reaction to the “Brought to you by Obamacare” label on the front of the device. Liberals will tend to relax and smile while conservatives will tense up and become agitated.


  6. A New Machine Can Tell Whether a Person Is Liberal or Conservative by…

    … if they are employed* (or want to be) and have children they love,
    as opposed to living with their parents or willfully on public assistance.

    * – Including homemakers.


  7. …asking one simple question:

    “How many times have you puked while watching the news in the last 30 days.

    Answer key:

    0 – Liberal

    1-2 – Moderate Republican

    3-4 – Conservative

    5-9 – TEA party member

    10+ – Terrorist


  8. A New Machine Can Tell Whether a Person Is Liberal or Conservative by:

    – releasing a cloud of patchouli and measuring their reaction; positive reaction = Liberal

    – asking the subject what “Bogart” means; if subject answers “Humphrey”, = Conservative

    – taking a scan with the “Glassy-Eyed-O-Meter”; high reading = Liberal

    – analyzing body odor to determine approximately how long it’s been since they’ve bathed; long time since bathing = Liberal

    – asking the subject to speak extemporaneously for one minute, and measuring the number of “uhh”s, “umms”, and superfluous “like”s; high number = Liberal

    – asking the question “what is your gender”; if subject answers with anything other than “male” or “female” = Liberal

    – analyze voice with the “Femme-O-Meter”; high reading for males = Liberal; high reading for females = Conservative

    – analyzing subject’s voice for smugness, smarmyness, arrogance and condescension; high reading = Liberal

    – making the subject watch and listen to Barack Obama for five minutes without a break; vomiting, diarrhea, or any gaseous expulsions = Conservative

    – Asking the subject if they agree or disagree with the following statements (the answers speak for themselves):
    —– “At some point, you’ve made enough money”
    —– “I think if you spread the wealth around, it’s better for everybody”
    —– “George W. Bush and Dick Cheney are the Spawn of Satan”
    —– “The phrase ‘separation of church and state’ are in the Constitution somewhere”
    —– “The Constitution says I have the right to free stuff”
    —– “It’s OK to use government coercion to silence people who disagree with the President”
    —– “Barack Obama is the greatest President since Josiah Bartlet”
    —– “The 2nd Amendment does not apply to individual citizens”
    —– “Michelle Obama is one classy lady”


  9. … Barry-metric readings.

    … employing cutting-edge nannytechnology.

    … analyzing the subject’s Paine receptors.

    … measuring knee-jerk reaction time.

    … graphing the subject’s responses to see if they constituent a hometown schtick.

    .. detecting if the subject is a {expletives} thief, and truly the scum of the earth.


  10. Footnote: Hey!! Autocorrect changed my “to see if they constitute a hokey schtick” to “constituent a hometown schtick,” above. (And tried to do it again, here.) [I’ll get even with you, Kindle Autocorrect!]


  11. …setting a hippie on fire and waiting to see if laughter ensues.

    …the volume and variety of DNA found the average liberal.

    …pushing Harry Reid down a flight of steps. Results are inconclusive so far but conservatives have not complained once.


  12. …having two buttons: “push here for a $40,000/ yr job with upward mobility”, and “push here for $40,000/ yr in welfare benefits at the expense of others”. I think you can interpret from there.



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