Straight Line of the Day: In Order to Provide Better Internet Security, the Government…

Posted on April 16, 2014 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

In order to provide better internet security, the government…

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36 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: In Order to Provide Better Internet Security, the Government…”

  1. Steve H says:

    … shut it off.
    … taxed it.
    … told Al Gore to invent a better one, without those pesky User Interfaces and such.

  2. Oppo says:

    … will raise taxes and require firearm registration, because internet security.

  3. Steve H says:

    … made Internet Insecurity a Federal crime.
    … gave Biden a different toy to play with.
    … gave Internet access only to gov’t employees.
    … asked the U.N. to run it.
    … changed all the URLs to secret monkey language.

  4. Oppo says:

    … will captcha “Bin Laden.” Should take billions of dollars and several decades.

  5. walruskkkch says:

    In order to provide better internet security, the government…

    defunded the NSA.

  6. walruskkkch says:

    In order to provide better internet security, the government…

    hired two gerbils. Don’t know how that would help, but that’s what Biden asked them to do.

  7. walruskkkch says:

    In order to provide better internet security, the government…

    sent out a memo testifying that internet security was better, now back off.

  8. Bob B says:

    …is hiring unemployed fishing net menders, home-bound knitters and experienced sock-darners to fix the holes.

  9. Jimmy says:

    …is turning it over to international control.

  10. walruskkkch says:

    In order to provide better internet security, the government…

    has assured us that these aren’t the reports we were looking for.

  11. Jimmy says:

    …claimed it was doing it ‘for the children’… i.e., us.

  12. Bob B says:

    …is out-sourcing security to Putin…

  13. Choey says:

    Joe Biden will guard it with his shotgun.

  14. DamnCat says:

    …will run for a 3rd term.

  15. Conservatarian says:

    …will monitor all correspondence and provide counselors for anyone deemed to feel insecure.

  16. Writer says:

    … agreed to monitor all communications to verify your individual security.

  17. Oppo says:

    … will mobilize the brain trusts they put in charge of the border, transportation, and embassy security.

  18. James says:

    … is mandating that all citizens pay for 56k service

  19. FormerHostage says:

    …will now require every Gub’ment website to have a “No Hacking Zone” splashscreen.

  20. FormerHostage says:

    …will take away your computer (unless you’re a liberal).

  21. Oppo says:

    … has renamed hackers “undocumented users of your files,” who are “merely dreamers who have the same rights to data and services as do you or I,” offered them a path to net citizenship, and branded as racist calls for better internet security.

  22. blarg says:

    …label the internet a “crime-free zone”

    …will make identity theft even MORE illegal

    …will create a registry of law-abiding internet users

  23. Insipid Melon says:

    … has spent $50 billion on a firewall and hot cocoa, in case they get Snowden.

  24. Jimmy says:

    …has turned it over to the Social Security Administration – because they know all about security.

  25. walruskkkch says:

    In order to provide better internet security, the government…

    formed a committee to try and come to an understanding of the word, “better”.

    would have to dissolve itself entirely and reform along the lines actually created by the founding Fathers.

    will need tax everyone who don’t use the internet.

  26. Bob B says:

    …will try to remember to update their antivirus software.

    …will institute a giant internet vice tax on porn and gambling, to fund an outside consulting firm that will hire Eric Holder, Lois Lerner, Kathleen Sebelius and Jay Carney as data control experts.

  27. Jimmy says:

    …is going to tighten-up against malicious cookies, especially the ones Miss Anony makes! ;-)

  28. Dohtimes says:

    …has replaced it with the USPS

    …has made http://www.HillaryClintonNude as the default porn site.

    …replaced all our 1s and 0s with IOUs.

    …mandated using only approved fiber optic latex and spermicides when transmitting or receiving data.

  29. Dohtimes says:

    I apologize if that Hillary addy is for real. Uggghhhh.

  30. Jimmy says:

    Looks like Harvey cleared your use of the word “pörn,” Dohtimes, and also the suffix on the Hillary pörn URL.

  31. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …awarded CGI the contract, because they did such a bang-up job on the Obamacare website.

  32. Jack says:

    In Order to Provide Better Internet Security, the Government…ditched Windows, and iOS7. They’ve retrofitted a warehouse filled with punchcard readers and—in a windfall for employment numbers—expect to start hiring a whole bunch of people to punch, sort, file, and collate. In a related Pravda MSNBC story, spoons promise to offer full employment as they replace fuel hungry tractors!

  33. Burt says:

    …has forbidden internet users to eat BLM grass.

  34. c64wood says:

    In Order to Provide Better Internet Security, the Government…

    …will spend billions of taxpayer dollars on a solution that is billions times worse than the problem.

    …will mandate the use of contraceptives while surfing for porn.

    …will cry “Internet Inequality” so they can take over the internet and level the playing field.

    …will buy and install security suites developed in Russia, Iraq or China

  35. willy says:

    … issued warnings against the use of dial-up modems on party lines.

  36. Dohtimes says:

    …used Obama’s tried and true European ally method, removing any defensive shields and becoming more flexible with any unwanted inPutin’ of malware.

    …spent six billion dollars on an acronym.

    …put Kathleen Sebelius in charge of hacking.

    …changed the modem password for the free wifi at Sandra Fluke’s waiting room.

    …put Edward Snowden on DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION!!!

    …requires all hackers to wear plaid onesies and sign up their victims to Obamacare.

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