Straight Line of the Day: President Obama Will Help Struggling Democrats Get Elected This Fall By…

Posted on April 1, 2014 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

President Obama will help struggling Democrats get elected this fall by…

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42 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: President Obama Will Help Struggling Democrats Get Elected This Fall By…”

  1. walruskkkch says:

    President Obama will help struggling Democrats get elected this fall by…

    counting the ballots, *wink*wink*.

  2. Steve H says:

    … falling back.
    … waking America up from this pathetic nightmare we’ve been having for the last six years.

  3. walruskkkch says:

    President Obama will help struggling Democrats get elected this fall by…

    voting early and often.

  4. walruskkkch says:

    President Obama will help struggling Democrats get elected this fall by…

    selected drone strikes.

  5. Bob B says:

    …extending the voter deadline until there are enough votes for the just result.

  6. Bob B says:

    …signing a contract with a North Korean firm to count all ballots…

  7. Bob B says:

    …declaring “If you like your ballot, you can keep your ballot, period.”

  8. walruskkkch says:

    President Obama will help struggling Democrats get elected this fall by…

    any means necessary.

  9. Jimmy says:

    …by distancing himself from himself.

  10. Jimmy says:

    …telling lots of folksy stories about “America’s comeback.”

  11. Jimmy says:

    …sending his wife on the campaign trail with her best boob belts.

  12. James says:

    . . . by losing his phone and his pen.
    . . . by playing golf every day until after the election.

  13. can of spam says:

    … campaigning for their Republican opponents.

  14. can of spam says:

    … buying votes with cookies.

  15. Janeane Garofalo says:

    PRESIDENT OBAMA(INFINITE CAMPAIGN YAYS!!!!!!) WILL HELP THE DEMOCRATS TRIUMPH OVER ALL THE WINGNUT MOONBAT RESCUMLICAN HATER RACISTS BY BEING THE NOBLE PROGRESSIVE TRANSFORMATIVE HISTORIC MAN OF ACTION THAT HE IS!!!! THE DEMOCRATS WILL OWN THE SENATE AND THE HOUSE THANKS TO PRESIDENT OBAMAS(YAYS YAYS AND MORE YAYS!!!!!!!) TIRELESS EFFORTS!!!!

  16. can of spam says:

    … having the IRS crack down on any conservative aligned group while getting essentially unlimited unreported in-kind contributions from the media, and in the meantime having the NSA identify any potential Republican voters so that they can be targeted by drone strikes. In other words, the usual. Except the drone strikes. Maybe.

  17. can of spam says:

    … the Race Card (TM). (“Excuse me while I whip this out…”)

  18. can of spam says:

    … reminding everyone how successful Obamacare is. (It’s is April 1, after all!)

  19. can of spam says:

    … sending campaign workers “Vinnie” and “Guido” door-to-door to remind people of the… um… “consequences” of voting GOP might have. (E.g., “nice ballot you got there… be a shame if someone was to set fire to it or something.”)

  20. Professor Hale says:

    … letting democratic candidates out of jail so they can campaign more effectively.

  21. DamnCat says:

    …with multiple, extended campaign stops in Honolulu and Martha’s Vineyard.

  22. Chip says:

    Straight Line of the Day: President Obama Will Help Struggling Democrats Get Elected This Fall By…

    … being clear in his speeches.

    … organizing another community.

    … bowing to more world leaders.

  23. walruskkkch says:

    Straight Line of the Day: President Obama Will Help Struggling Democrats Get Elected This Fall By…

    making sure low information voters are aware of the dastardly Republican war on women/gays/the poor/freedom and cute kittens.

  24. Jimmy says:

    …an extension to “quantitative easing.” (That’s for real – and pathetic.)

  25. walruskkkch says:

    Straight Line of the Day: President Obama Will Help Struggling Democrats Get Elected This Fall By…

    counting votes with the same computers the AGW folks use to predict future temperatures.

  26. Dohtimes says:

    …imprisoning all the hate criminals who show up at the polls with photo IDs.

    …pulling a number (of votes) out of his butt that he deems a successful result.

    …getting John Roberts to change the voting laws to say close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and Democrat vote counts.

    …declaring 1 man, 1 vote for each gender confliction you may have.

    …spreading the wealth of criminally convicted office holders, jailing all Republican candidates as accessories.

  27. Writer says:

    … repudiating any connection between the Democrapic Party and himself.

    … cancelling elections in each state with a “vulnerable Democrapic Senator”

    … Setting a six-figure fine for anyone using the term “obamacare”

    … having Holder declare all ballots in a state that is attempting to clean up Voter Registration
    declared Null and Void.

  28. Hordog says:

    …taking an extended, taxpayer funded vacation.

  29. Oppo says:

    … using the awesome power of his FEC-lessness.

  30. Oppo says:

    … appearing nonstop between the two Palms: Springs and Beach.

  31. Burt says:

    …Hiring Chad to hang around the polls

  32. blarg says:

    …focusing like a laser on their opponents.

  33. NO_MO_BAMA says:

    ….by resigning, immediately, and the human shield too.

  34. c64wood says:

    President Obama Will Help Struggling Democrats Get Elected This Fall By…

    …ensuring the media mind-washes the conservative voters in the primaries to believe that only wishy washy conservative candidates can beat a liberal. And we seem to fall for it all the time.

    …by having all the top TV shows scripted to talk about the evils of liberty and personal responsibility.

    …by actually changing his name to Barraco Barner

  35. Bob B says:

    …repeatedly pivoting, faster and faster, into a graceful pirouette that distracts the media, while Dem operatives broom all references to Democrat malfeasance and corruption into the memory hole…

  36. Dohtimes says:

    …new entitlement program, Vote Stamps.

    …voting booth shark tanks.

    …Diebold machines replaced by DieWhitey guy making marks on wall with last voters blood.

  37. Gumbeaux says:

    … massive voter fraud. Why abandon a strategy that has been working so well for them?

  38. Steve H says:

    … calling himself a Republican.

  39. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …claiming he didn’t realize the country was in such bad shape until he heard about it in the news.

    …promising the American people he’ll really get to work after the election.

  40. tanstaafl44 says:

    declaring himself the 12th imam two years early and moving to iran

  41. Amer-I-Can says:

    going on a North Pole site seeing tour until the end of November. His Auto-pen will fill in during his absence.

  42. Matt says:

    blackwhite duckspeak

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