"Dudes, don't leave me hangin'" I gurgle, after my bros reject my high-five and throw a noose around my neck, hoisting me high into the air.
— Glenn (@justabloodygame) April 8, 2014
In order for Democrats to claim that they stand for progress, they need to pretend we're all living in 1952.
— Ben Shapiro (@benshapiro) April 8, 2014
It's not right to make fun of Kristen Stewart's stiff features. For all we know, she might find it very upsetting.
— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) April 8, 2014
I never give homeless people money because I know they're just going to spend it on in-app purchases.
— Brandon Gutermuth (@UNTRESOR) April 9, 2014
Why do women want equal pay? We've already given them Bounty paper towels with colorful, fun patterns
— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) April 9, 2014