(Bill, Joe, Barack, Kerry and Hillary are in the Oval Office plotting how to fake Joe’s and Barack’s deaths to avoid a beating by Putin)
Joe: You guys are all wrong. I can totally fit in in the shanty town. Check this out, dudes. (takes off shirt) Look at all the tats I just got, dude. Totally badass. Totally intimidating. They’ll probably all think I’m all MS-13 or something.
Kerry: All your tats are in Chinese, dude. Chinese. No one is gonna think you are an illegal Mexican.
Joe: Oh, you are so racist. Chinese tats are cool, dude. Are you telling me that illegal Mexicans can’t get Chinese tats, dude. You are so racist.
Barack: Totally, dude. You are a total racist.
Kerry: I am not a racist, dude. Lighten up.
Barack: I can’t believe you just said that. You can’t tell me to lighten up. That is so racist. Oh, you are such a racist.
Kerry: Just shut up. Shut up. Dudes, MS-13 dudes don’t have Chinese tats. They just don’t. Hipsters, yes. MS-13, no.
Bill: Speaking of hipsters, that reminds me, have you guys seen my new girlfriend? You’ve seen her, right?
Hillary: Hello. I’m standing right here. Do you even care that I am hearing this?
Bill: Which reminds me, why are you even here?
Barack: Totally. We kicked you out of the gang years ago.
Bill: Ignore her. She’s not important. But I was wondering about my new girlfriend. Do you think she is really into me or is she just enough of a hipster to be dating me ironically?
Barack: Does anyone understand what he just asked?
Kerry: The words were coming out. I was hearing them. But there was no meaning. I have no idea what they meant.
Joe: Guys, guys, guys. You are forgetting the issue here. My tattoos are totally badass, right? You have to agree that they are badass.
Kerry: Do you even know what they say, dude? Do you even know what they say?
Joe: Do I know what they say? Of course I know what they say. The tattoo artist told me that they mean ‘Commitment issues.’
Kerry: Ha ha ha ha ha! They so do not mean that. Nothing on you means that. Your back is the menu for the Wok Lin, dude. See, right here. “15% off with takeout order. No soup with takeout order. No, we have not seen your cat. Don’t ask us no more. No cat.”
Joe: It does not say that?
Kerry: Oh it does. It totally does, dude. And you don’t want to know what is written on your arms.
Joe: You gotta tell me now, dude. You gotta tell me.
Kerry: It says you are a male prostitute and gives a full price list. Well, I guess that kind of implies commitment issues.
Joe: No way, dude. No way. No way. No way. You are totally making that up, dude. You are totally messing with me.
Kerry: Oh, yeah. Take your shirt off in Chinatown and see what happens. Come on. Let’s head down to Chinatown right now if you don’t believe me.
Joe: You’re messing with me, dude. Totally messing with me. You don’t even know Chinese. How could you know Chinese?
Kerry: Of course I know Chinese. How else could I give secrets to the Chinese when I wasn’t officially in Cambodia. Wait a minute. Forget I said that.
Bill: Speaking of languages, dude. How do you expect to blend into that shanty town when you can’t even speak Spanish?
Joe: I can speak Spanish. I can totally speak Spanish. Check this out. Yo quiero Taco Bell, por favor, Usted.
Kerry: That did sound like Spanish. Totally Spanish. I’m sold. What did you say, dude?
Joe: No idea, dude. I can speak it, but I can’t understand it. Not a word.
Kerry: What the…?
Joe: But the illegals will be able to understand what I am saying. That’s the point. The illegals understand Spanish. As long as I don’t care what they have to say back, and, I mean, why would I?
Barack: But the point is you will be able to communicate.
Joe: Totally. One way communication is still communication, dude. It’s still communication. They will be able to understand me. That’s all I am saying.
Bill: Sort of like when you have to talk to women.
Kerry: This seems totally wrong, but I don’t know enough about languages to dispute it. Cannot dispute.
Hillary: All of this nonsense aside, dudes. All of this aside, you are forgetting one of the most important things, dudes. The succession, dudes. Who is gonna be in charge when you leave?
Bill: Has anyone heard a thing she has said? Does anyone even care what she just said?
Joe: What? She was talking?
Bill: No wonder she makes 23% less than that loser Kerry does.
Barack: There were sounds coming out of her, but nothing seemed to be making any sense.
Kerry: Just a constant blah blah blah. A constant droning. It’s all just background noise, really. I’ve learned to ignore, dudes. Totally ignore it.
Barack: Oh, you have to, really. Like the ticking of a clock or when Michelle keeps saying, ‘no, no, no, not tonight, you disgust me.’
Bill: Well, totally. You have to ignore it, dudes. Or it will drive you mad. Totally batty crazy.
Hillary: I hate you guys. I hate you guys so much.
Barack: But, dude, something just hit me. I think we are forgetting one of the most important things, dudes. The succession. Who is going to be in charge when we leave?
Hillary: You did not just say that. You suck. You all suck. I’m leaving. You losers are on your own. Have a happy catastrophe. Merry disaster. Can’t wait to see how this plays out. (walks out)
Bill: Dudes, he’s right. With both the President and the Vice President gone, it will be total chaos. Total anarchy. The country will totally collapse.
Kerry: Isn’t that, like, already in the Constitution and stuff?
Joe: The Constitution? What? Is that even a word? What does that mean?
Barack: I’m pretty sure it gives you more hit points.
Kerry: No, you losers. Not that constitution. That one that, like, John Smith and the other founding fathers and stuff wrote that gave us all our government rules and stuff.
Joe: Oh, you mean, the Declaration of Independents. Well, yeah. That says when I get Barack out of the way, I get to be in charge. Which means, oh….. I see. I won’t be around to be in charge. Didn’t consider that at all. No considering. I’m, like, the last link in the chain. The old end of the line, dudes. There is no Vice-Vice President or Vice-Vice-Vice President to take over if we both kick it.
Barack: Totally. Thomas Jefferson and Abraham Lincoln couldn’t have thought of everything, dudes, when they were, like, writing up that Declaration and stuff. Couldn’t see the future. Couldn’t think of everything. I bet they never would have imagined both the President and the Vice President would be snuffed at once.
Joe: Of course not. They didn’t plan for this. I mean how could they? I mean, we’re totally smart and we only thought of it a few hours ago ourselves. How could they have thought about it like 500 years ago and stuff? They couldn’t have known we were gonna do this. I mean, we didn’t think of it, and we’re way smarter than that bunch of pilgrims.
Barack: Totally, dude. I mean, why do we even care about some declaration written by a bunch of pilgrims anyway?
Kerry: Totally, dude. Always wondered about that myself. Why do we revere these pilgrims so much? I mean, they were crazy. They wore belt buckles on their hats. Who does that, dude? Who does that?
Bill: Don’t you losers know anything about history? When they came across the ocean on the Sangria, they had to travel where there was wind cause it was one of those ships with sails.
Joe: Totally makes sense.
Barack: Yeah. Total sense. Had to go where the wind was. No wind, no propulsion. Total science, dude.
Bill: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that’s not the point, now quit interrupting me. It’s incredibly rude. But anyway, they all had a meeting with John Smith, complaining about the wind cause it kept blowing all their hats overboard and stuff. He told them to all put belts on them. No more blown away hats. The man was a genius.
Kerry: Yeah right, and I bet their shoes kept falling off too?
Bill: Exactly. I see all that money your parents wasted on private school wasn’t totally wasted, dude. At least you know some history.
Joe: But that still doesn’t change the fact that the pilgrims didn’t leave us any replacements for when we both kick it.
Barack: Totally. Plans off, dudes. Can’t fake our own deaths now, dude. We leave a power vacuum like that, and Putin will swoop right in and be running things. Running the crap out of America. We would be Russia.
Joe: Wait a minute. Wasn’t that the plan. Didn’t we want to be communist anyway? Here’s our easy in.
Barack: Only if we are in charge, dudes. Don’t want to be Putin’s proles.
Bill: You losers have missed the whole point of your own discussion.
Barack: Huh? There was a point? What?
Bill: The point is, why does it even matter what the founding pilgrims thought? Why does their declaration even matter? Can it even be legally binding? Did Congress pass it into law? I’m no history major, but I’m pretty sure it didn’t follow the proper legal channels. Can’t be legitimate anyway.
Barack: So what are you saying, dude?
Joe: Yeah, I’m like, totally confused. And not like the mild, baseline confusion I usually experience. This is like, total confusion.
Bill: It’s easy. We just have to write you up a will and name your own successors. I’m pretty sure I’m a lawyer. Let’s write one up really quick.
(to be continued, maybe if I feel like it)