Today I am 35, thus I am finally constitutionally eligible for the presidency of the United States. Thus is Biden were to resign and Obama were to appoint me vice president and then he resigned, I could be president like today. As long as they were quick with the paper work. And I could get a flight to D.C.
But I don’t think Obama is going to do that, because frankly he doesn’t care about this country. If he did, I would already gotten a call from him where he was like, “I have no idea what I’m doing! I just traded five Taliban for some deserter and everyone is yelling at me and I don’t know why because I’m stupid and out of touch!”
And I’d be like, “Shut up. Quit whining. I hate whining.”
And Obama would be like, “Wow. You’re always direct. That’s why you should be president. Do you want to be president? Biden can’t take over because he got lost in his walk-in closet again.”
And I’d be like. “Yeah maybe. What’s it pay?”
And if it paid enough, I would be president. Then I’d give a speech. “Stop whining.” That would be the whole speech, and the only speech I’d ever give. And then I’d put a sign on the White House front door saying “Solve your own damn problems” and you wouldn’t hear or see from me again. Except maybe if I had to step out to get something from the grocery store. But if people came to me whining about their problems, I would punch people in the face. Eventually, people would learn not to bother me. Especially reporters.
I guess sometimes I would do stuff. Like I heard how the IRS was targeting conservatives, so I’d fire and deport everyone in the IRS pending an investigation. Not that’s I’d ever get to an investigation. I just don’t trust those people at the IRS; who would take a job with them? Even if you were really desperate for a job?
“Oh. We found one job opening; you’d be working for Satan in hell.”
“No thanks. I’ll keep looking.”
Mainly I wouldn’t do stuff, though. You would leave me alone, and I’d leave you alone. It would be perfect.
Anyway, I’m 35 today. I can be president now. And if that happened, we would have years of peace and prosperity and whiny people getting punched in the face.