Now Constitutionally Eligible for the Presidency

Posted on June 4, 2014 11:00 am

Today I am 35, thus I am finally constitutionally eligible for the presidency of the United States. Thus is Biden were to resign and Obama were to appoint me vice president and then he resigned, I could be president like today. As long as they were quick with the paper work. And I could get a flight to D.C.

But I don’t think Obama is going to do that, because frankly he doesn’t care about this country. If he did, I would already gotten a call from him where he was like, “I have no idea what I’m doing! I just traded five Taliban for some deserter and everyone is yelling at me and I don’t know why because I’m stupid and out of touch!”

And I’d be like, “Shut up. Quit whining. I hate whining.”

And Obama would be like, “Wow. You’re always direct. That’s why you should be president. Do you want to be president? Biden can’t take over because he got lost in his walk-in closet again.”

And I’d be like. “Yeah maybe. What’s it pay?”

And if it paid enough, I would be president. Then I’d give a speech. “Stop whining.” That would be the whole speech, and the only speech I’d ever give. And then I’d put a sign on the White House front door saying “Solve your own damn problems” and you wouldn’t hear or see from me again. Except maybe if I had to step out to get something from the grocery store. But if people came to me whining about their problems, I would punch people in the face. Eventually, people would learn not to bother me. Especially reporters.

I guess sometimes I would do stuff. Like I heard how the IRS was targeting conservatives, so I’d fire and deport everyone in the IRS pending an investigation. Not that’s I’d ever get to an investigation. I just don’t trust those people at the IRS; who would take a job with them? Even if you were really desperate for a job?

“Oh. We found one job opening; you’d be working for Satan in hell.”

“No thanks. I’ll keep looking.”

Mainly I wouldn’t do stuff, though. You would leave me alone, and I’d leave you alone. It would be perfect.

Anyway, I’m 35 today. I can be president now. And if that happened, we would have years of peace and prosperity and whiny people getting punched in the face.

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17 Responses to “Now Constitutionally Eligible for the Presidency”

  1. Shelgeyr says:

    Happy Birthday, Frank! I’d vote for ya! Love the speech, love the sign, love the foreign policy (I assume here you haven’t abandoned the whole “Nuke the Moon” thing).

    BTW – I didn’t know you were such a youngster. I turned 50 yesterday (honestly), so I’ve got you beat by a long shot in the race to the grave. Waitwhat?

  2. Apostic says:

    Happy constitutionality, Mr. F.

  3. TheHat says:

    President Frank. I like the sound of that. I think your first action should be an Executive Order for all America for everyone to punch hippies and liberals in the face. Once a day until they straighten up and fly right or leave for China. Then your second Executive Order should be ‘Everything that previous guy did, is junk and hereby declared void’. Spell void out loud for the media, V O I D. Job done, take a golf day and rejoice that you have accomplished more in two days than Clown-Ears did in six years.

    Carry On.

  4. AwesometificAmerican says:

    I would like to submit my name to be the next Ambassador to the UN under a Frank J administration. I promise to use my security council vote to veto anything no matter what it is and to run that institution into the ground as quickly as possible.

  5. Bob B says:

    “You say it’s your birthday? Well, it’s my birthday too, yeah!…we’re gonna have a good time!” (especially punching hippies and smacking hipsters – hipsters don’t take as much effort to defeat)

  6. Steve H says:

    Happy Birthday, Frank! I appreciate your willingness to do nothing while President, but don’t you think it might be a good idea to UNdo a few things while you are (not) at it?

  7. CCO says:

    Many joyous returns to the day to our generous host!

  8. TiminAL says:

    Congratulations on becoming a grown-up. Now, I think you should run for President of Idaho and deport those Bergdahl people to a foreign country, like New York or something.

  9. Burt says:

    Best part of a FrankJ presidency??? First Lady SarahK!!!!

  10. blarg says:

    …I look forward to the all-bacon State Dinners.

  11. Jimmy says:

    Well, if it takes a birthday to write for your blog, Frank, have a birthday every day.

  12. Vince says:

    Happy Birthday, FrankJ
    Been with you from day one (well, three weeks after day one).
    Keep up the good work. Keep Harv happy and best to you and yours.

  13. Abby says:

    For some reason, this post sounds like a page or three from an Axe Cop comic book. That’s not a bad thing.

  14. Frank J. says:

    Abby,
    In fact, that’s a high compliment.

  15. Doug says:

    I second your nomination for President!
    But seeing as how the government doesn’t really abide by the Constitution anymore I think you should simply declare yourself ‘defacto President’ and start having press conferences and stuff.

  16. 4of7 says:

    Happy Birthday, Frank!
    Get me a job at the National Endowment for the Arts, in charge of passing out the grants.
    I’ll need a set of brass knuckles and a big red rubber stamp that says, H*LL NO! ;)

  17. Fly says:

    Happy 16th day anniversary of your 35th Birthday, Frank!

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