Noxious Emissions

Posted on June 11, 2014 7:00 pm

[A guest post from PC Mike]

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PC Mike would like to commend the prestigious scientific publications that have recently adopted a more open-minded policy of prohibiting climate deniers from expressing their opinions. We believe all news media should adopt this policy, voluntarily if possible. But there is much more to be done.

First, newspapers must follow the scientific consensus. After decades of global warming it is intolerable to print weather forecasts showing the recent unacceptably low temperatures. All weather reports must add the documented average increase of several degrees to every temperature. Of course it will be necessary to confiscate all thermometers to avoid confusing the public with facts, but these dangerous instruments should not be in private hands anyway.

Furthermore, deniers should not be allowed to display their contempt for Science! by flaunting their unnecessary winter clothing. Wearing of coats will henceforth be prohibited, and all obsolete seasonal equipment including skis, snowshoes, tire chains, etc. will be forbidden by law. A small fine will be imposed for the wearing of long sleeves, but jail time may be necessary for heavy coats. Cities will save millions on snow removal and the public will enjoy mandatory year round use of swimming facilities, pools, and beaches.

President Obama has recently directed the EPA to mandate a 30% reduction in coal fired CO2 emissions. This will fulfill his campaign promise to cause the price of electricity to skyrocket, and it will have the propitious side effect of destroying the coal industry, thereby protecting workers from thousands of dirty, dangerous jobs. But even this fails to address the core of the emissions problem.

The Supreme Court has recognized CO2 as a pollutant. Science! tells us that roughly 80% of atmospheric CO2 comes not from burning fossil fuels, but from animal respiration. Unfortunately it isn’t practical to share the sacrifice by making everyone cut out 3 in 10 breaths, but fortunately there is a still a fair, voluntary solution. Statistically, about 30 percent of the U.S. population is appropriately concerned about the deadly effects of global warming. If this 30 percent were to stop breathing entirely the problem would be solved!

Climate supporters have said, “The right to free speech does not include the right to endanger the public.” Exactly correct. Nor does the right to life include the right to pollute the atmosphere by exhaling CO2.

Sincerely,
PC Mike

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3 Responses to “Noxious Emissions”

  1. Jimmy says:

    Yeah, and getting rid of the big carbon footprints buttprints of that 30% will help reduce toilet paper consumption and thus deforestation!!

  2. Burt says:

    It’s time to do the right thing… Freeze to death in the dark. It’s for Gaia!

  3. CCO says:

    Burt @2: What is Fallen Angels, Alex?

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