“Give me all your money!” -a mugger
“Give me all your money! And seven years of records and receipts!” -the IRS
Ever seen the romcom starring Marie and Pierre Curie? I heard the two leads in it had a lot of chemistry.
Oh, I thought “one percenters” referred to they type of milk they drank. Now the Occupy Wall Street thing makes slightly more sense.
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!! I achieved a personal goal today. What are you guys up to?
These World Cups happen way too often. My limit on caring about soccer is once per decade.
So is losing to Germany good or bad? I don’t really follow soccer.
If another country judges us based on how we play soccer, then they’re not really our friend and we should bomb them.
Remember when we were like, “Germany, don’t be so evil” and they were like, “No! We’re going to be double evil!” and we had a 2nd world war?
I think you don’t advance in the World Cup if you win too much because socialism.
“Are peasants allowed to compare me to Mitt Romney?”
“And I would’ve gotten away with it too if it weren’t for that meddling Constitution!”
So who was the awful person who came up with this idea of “gender” that’s been oppressing everyone? Probably a white male.
Try to distinguish between when it’s other people oppressing you or when reality is the culprit.
This wedding ran out of wine – what happens next will SHOCK you! #BuzzfeedBible
How easy is it for a rich man to get to Heaven? The answer will surprise you. #BuzzfeedBible
10 easy rules to follow to keep your covenant with God #BuzzfeedBible
So are we sure it’s against the rules to pick up the ball in soccer? Like has anyone tried picking it up?
If you were really emotionally invested in a snail, you could really get cheering about a mile long snail race. Best I can understand soccer.
If you don’t want me to make fun of your sport, then don’t be a fan of a boring, stupid sport.
Okay; let’s just call it a 0-0 tie and be friends.
Come on, Tea Party; won’t someone think of the cronies?
I remember a Garfield joke about an automated battery changer that can only change own batteries; reminds me of establishment Republicans.
There are lots of ways to pay for birth control; there aren’t lots of ways to have religious freedom.
What if Biden started borrowing power?
It seems like politics would be a lot less frustrating to follow if I were a rich crony.
A new Transformers movie just opened, so hopefully Biden isn’t needed to break any ties in the Senate today.
Is there any greater condemnation of capitalism than how many Transformers sequels have resulted from it?
Obama: “I didn’t know the presidency would involve Congress disagreeing with me so much. I should have googled a president on Wikipedia.”
Funny how engine which explodes fuel seems to be last thing to break on car. Power windows, you’re not exploding anything; keep it together.
“But mathematically, our team that just lost still gets to advance.” -1st world country scamming 3rd world country
Soccer fans have to have a bit more sympathy for how genuinely baffled most Americans are by the popularity of soccer.
Take something you don’t understand popularity of (e.g., Dane Cook). Now pretend everyone else in the world thinks it’s the greatest thing ever.
“And now we finally have a land of religious freedom.”
“Must have gotten on the wrong ship; I was going to the land of free birth control.”
It’s always a bad sign when a country feels the need to tell you they’re democratic or a republic in the country’s name.
“Kick the ball! Yes! Now kick it some more! No no no! Don’t pick it up!” -soccer coach, I assume
Saw this on Facebook.
Well, the Steam Summer Sale got a lot of my money, though I don’t expect to have time to play any of those games for months.