The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) June 5, 2014
Remember – you can do anything you put your mind to! Well, almost anything. Okay, some things. You can do things
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) June 5, 2014
Imagine how many desperate employers there are out there earnestly looking for someone with a degree in gender studies.
— Neal Boortz (@Talkmaster) June 5, 2014
*King Midas house-sits neighbor's dog* Who's a good boy? *pets dog* [later, on phone] No, I'm pretty sure he was always a golden retriever…
— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) June 5, 2014
A kickstarter to get Maureen Dowd to try cocaine
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) June 5, 2014
The upside to being a vampire is always having an excuse to stay inside.
— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) June 5, 2014
Pointing out Bieber's racism is like pointing out a typo on the Titanic's dinner menu.
— Wonderella (@wonderella) June 5, 2014