*Meets god* You're real, eh? *God nods* And you saw all of that? *God nods* … I'll see myself out
— The Natewolf (@thenatewolf) June 23, 2014
Me: A watched pot never boils. Wife: … Me: … Wife: … Me: … Wife: … Me: … Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) June 25, 2014
"I need a poison that kills instantly but isn't traceable." The man in the alley nods. He opens his trenchcoat, revealing vials of gluten.
— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) June 26, 2014
Only as the condor bore me & my guitar away in its talons did I realize the crowd's cries of "Free Bird!" were not a request, but a warning.
— Glenn (@justabloodygame) June 26, 2014
If your name is Edna, you can automatically walk into any county fair in America and someone will hand you a blue ribbon for baking.
— Vesta Tot (@VestaTot) June 26, 2014
Raymond Chandler to get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, visible only by the neon reflection on high heels during a hard wet rain.
— Chris Marcil (@ChrisMarcil) June 26, 2014
What if nobody went to see the new Transformers movie this weekend. What if we lived in that world.
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) June 27, 2014
orange is the new you glad I didn't say banana
— Cakemittens (@cakemittens) June 29, 2014
What a weird world we live in. Before you can watch a jihadi video from Syria, you have to watch a 30-second X-box ad.
— Karl Sharro (@KarlreMarks) June 29, 2014