Making the World Cup More Exciting

Now that the World Cup is over (as far as I know), what are some ideas for making soccer more exciting so that Americans might pay it attention?

With all respect to the performance of Tim Howard, to me the number one idea is getting rid of the goalie. The main thing that makes soccer so boring is so little scoring, so no goalie should help that right away. Just imagine if basketball had a guy whose job it was to hang on the basket and swat down every shot; think of how little scoring and how boring basketball would then be. Plus, a no goalie rule would keep soccer’s silly “no hands” rule more pure.

Yes, with no goalie, the U.S. would have probably have lost like 18-5 against Belgium, but that’s just the ridiculousness of one guy carrying the whole team. And an 18-5 would mean stuff happening throughout the game, instead of just three goals in the extra 30 minutes added after the mindnumbingly boring 0-0 tie in the first 90 minutes.

So how would you make soccer more exciting?

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35 Comments

  1. @1 wow…hard to follow that…but I’ll give it a try.

    1) land mines on the field.
    2) instead of goalies, machine gun nest over the goal
    3) if nobody scores by half-time, flood the field and release the sharks

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  2. Since soccer is nothing more than U.N. kick ball.
    Let’s spice things up a bit with.

    Claymore mines.
    Snipers in the bleachers, nose bleeds and Sky Boxes.
    Malay Gates.
    Punji Stake Pits.
    Hockey Sticks. High and Body Checks.
    And Whompin’ Sticks.

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  3. Soccer, but with hands, where you had to gain a certain amount of territory to keep going and could tackle to prevent it. This version would also have no goalies. To honor the game as played in the rest of the world, America will still call it “football”.

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  4. Qualifiers must beat the Swedish Bikini Team 11-nil to participate, then they can learn how to play soccer.

    …free tickets and whiskey for the English hooligans.

    …play with a tiny little fuzzy ball and let cats play goalie.

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  5. You seem to be overly obsessed and knowledgeable about something you claim to hate and not understand. You don’t like it and it’s boring, but you seem to be watching every game nonetheless.

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  6. The Australians already figured that out, they have Aussie Rules Football (they mean “soccer” by ‘football’).

    It’s a cross between soccer, rugby and kill the kill the carrier.

    If you don’t want to take some furriner’s advice on how to fix a furnnier’s game, how about if they use baseball bats?
    that way, when they flop they’ll actually be in pain.

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  7. Instead of penalty shootouts it could be sudden death, quite literally, with each team taking turns trying to take out the other team’s goalie from mid-field with a 12-gauge. Merely wounding the goalie would result in a yellow card to the shooter.

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  8. Entire soccer field looks like a giant billiard table. They take turns. If they’re a skillful as they say, let’s see them put a little English on the ball. I’d watch that.

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  9. Can’t go wrong with rocket launchers on dinosaurs, maybe they can be a hazard. Or maybe, the dinosaurs wouldn’t be there every time, so you can watch on the edge of your seat, wondering if anyone is going to be eaten this game.

    Force the announcer to speak in lolcat.

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  10. True story. In 7th grade our alcoholic gym teacher was way too hung over to bother with refereeing our soccer game. He changed soccer into the best game ever with one tiny little addition to the rules:

    “If someone punches you out for carrying the ball, don’t come bitching to me about it.”

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  11. To make soccer less boring, you could play it on ice, on a much smaller field. Make the goal a lot smaller, and limit the number of players to, oh, say, five per team. Make the ball a lot smaller but allow the players to use some piece of equipment — a stick, perhaps — to move it around. And allow a lot more contact between the players. Encourage it, even!

    It sounds crazy but it just might work.

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