Making the World Cup More Exciting

Posted on July 7, 2014 11:00 am

Now that the World Cup is over (as far as I know), what are some ideas for making soccer more exciting so that Americans might pay it attention?

With all respect to the performance of Tim Howard, to me the number one idea is getting rid of the goalie. The main thing that makes soccer so boring is so little scoring, so no goalie should help that right away. Just imagine if basketball had a guy whose job it was to hang on the basket and swat down every shot; think of how little scoring and how boring basketball would then be. Plus, a no goalie rule would keep soccer’s silly “no hands” rule more pure.

Yes, with no goalie, the U.S. would have probably have lost like 18-5 against Belgium, but that’s just the ridiculousness of one guy carrying the whole team. And an 18-5 would mean stuff happening throughout the game, instead of just three goals in the extra 30 minutes added after the mindnumbingly boring 0-0 tie in the first 90 minutes.

So how would you make soccer more exciting?

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35 Responses to “Making the World Cup More Exciting”

  1. Anchorman says:

    Boobs

  2. Anchorman says:

    A precocious little scamp, like Oliver from “Brady Bunch,” only less punch-stimulating and more . . . you know . . . I’m sticking with boobs.

  3. HokieGomer says:

    Drop a keg on the field.

  4. Harvey says:

    Since Anchorman already picked “add new character”, I’m going with the other “dying TV series” tropes:

    Wedding, baby, jumping over a shark on water skis.

  5. blarg says:

    @1 wow…hard to follow that…but I’ll give it a try.

    1) land mines on the field.
    2) instead of goalies, machine gun nest over the goal
    3) if nobody scores by half-time, flood the field and release the sharks

  6. DamnCat says:

    22 men enter – 1 man leaves

  7. walruskkkch says:

    Fighting, like in hockey.

  8. Iowa Jim says:

    Play it on ice, with a puck, with six men on a side. In other words, abandon soccer for hockey.

  9. walruskkkch says:

    Ritualized beheadings for red cards.

  10. Steve H says:

    Let them keep the goalie but use three soccer balls at once.

  11. Steve H says:

    You’d think Brazil could manage to scrape up some cheerleaders.

  12. Harvey says:

    @10 Steve H – I like that idea. I remember how much more exciting multi-ball used to make things when I played pinball.

  13. Tim says:

    Maybe keep the goalie but make the net as wide as the field.

  14. jackdeth72 says:

    Since soccer is nothing more than U.N. kick ball.
    Let’s spice things up a bit with.

    Claymore mines.
    Snipers in the bleachers, nose bleeds and Sky Boxes.
    Malay Gates.
    Punji Stake Pits.
    Hockey Sticks. High and Body Checks.
    And Whompin’ Sticks.

  15. Proof says:

    Cheerleaders. Have them out number the players on the field.

  16. Anthony Bialy says:

    Soccer, but with hands, where you had to gain a certain amount of territory to keep going and could tackle to prevent it. This version would also have no goalies. To honor the game as played in the rest of the world, America will still call it “football”.

  17. Dohtimes says:

    Qualifiers must beat the Swedish Bikini Team 11-nil to participate, then they can learn how to play soccer.

    …free tickets and whiskey for the English hooligans.

    …play with a tiny little fuzzy ball and let cats play goalie.

  18. Greg says:

    Boomsticks!

  19. mike says:

    put the players on skates, on ice.. then shrink the ball into a puck. make the playing surface much smaller and add beer.

  20. Greg says:

    Several times during the game, at random times, they would release the SIXTEEN TON WEIGHTS!!

  21. Chuck says:

    You seem to be overly obsessed and knowledgeable about something you claim to hate and not understand. You don’t like it and it’s boring, but you seem to be watching every game nonetheless.

  22. Frank J. says:

    Chuck,

    I haven’t actually watched a game this year, but I’ve followed what’s happened on Twitter. Glad I appear so knowledgeable one would think I’ve been watching.

  23. c64wood says:

    1) Playing time is one hour, no more no less, no exceptions

    2) way smaller field with boards like in hockey

    3) a goaltender that can’t use hands

  24. Veeshir says:

    The Australians already figured that out, they have Aussie Rules Football (they mean “soccer” by ‘football’).

    It’s a cross between soccer, rugby and kill the kill the carrier.

    If you don’t want to take some furriner’s advice on how to fix a furnnier’s game, how about if they use baseball bats?
    that way, when they flop they’ll actually be in pain.

  25. James says:

    Instead of penalty shootouts it could be sudden death, quite literally, with each team taking turns trying to take out the other team’s goalie from mid-field with a 12-gauge. Merely wounding the goalie would result in a yellow card to the shooter.

  26. NO_MO_BAMA says:

    Exploding balls, and that thing they kick around too.

  27. Oppo says:

    Entire soccer field looks like a giant billiard table. They take turns. If they’re a skillful as they say, let’s see them put a little English on the ball. I’d watch that.

  28. eaglewingz says:

    @9. walruskkkch

    “Ritualized beheadings for red cards.”

    Yeah, but what we would do different for the Middle Eastern teams?

  29. Writer says:

    … make all goalies shorter than four feet tall.

  30. Ben says:

    Like the rest of the world it needs more balls.

  31. 5of7 says:

    Add dodge balls. One soccer ball to kick, 22 fully inflated red rubber dodge balls you can carry, throw, catch, or use as a shield.

  32. Karen says:

    Can’t go wrong with rocket launchers on dinosaurs, maybe they can be a hazard. Or maybe, the dinosaurs wouldn’t be there every time, so you can watch on the edge of your seat, wondering if anyone is going to be eaten this game.

    Force the announcer to speak in lolcat.

  33. Harvey says:

    Soccer ball slingshot:

    http://theawesomer.com/the-football-slingshot/285127/

  34. willy says:

    True story. In 7th grade our alcoholic gym teacher was way too hung over to bother with refereeing our soccer game. He changed soccer into the best game ever with one tiny little addition to the rules:

    “If someone punches you out for carrying the ball, don’t come bitching to me about it.”

  35. Editor says:

    To make soccer less boring, you could play it on ice, on a much smaller field. Make the goal a lot smaller, and limit the number of players to, oh, say, five per team. Make the ball a lot smaller but allow the players to use some piece of equipment — a stick, perhaps — to move it around. And allow a lot more contact between the players. Encourage it, even!

    It sounds crazy but it just might work.

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