My nickname at work is "don't tell her about the bagels."
— pin up teacher (@pinupteacher) July 24, 2014
"I may not be a very smart man, but I know what Love is." Forrest Gump chuckles, taunting his tennis opponent after blanking him for a set.
— Glenn (@justabloodygame) July 24, 2014
[son crying] "What's wrong?" "The kids at school pick on me." "Yeah? Do they call you fatty & poke at your tummy?" "No." "Oh. They should."
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) July 24, 2014
Imagine us eating pizza. Wrong. You're not getting any. *shoves you* Stop imagining you're eating my pizza!
— PaperWash© (@PaperWash) July 25, 2014
[house party] *puts hands behind ears to hear my friend over music* "WHAT" *elephant walks over all up in my face* you tryin' to be funny?
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) July 25, 2014
Damn girl are you Schrodinger's cat cos you're in a box and all these nerds are talking about you? Sir have some respect this is a funeral.
— Bread Zeppellin (@breadzeppellin) July 25, 2014
you ever notice how babies and their parents start to resemble each other after a while
— Horton (@crushingbort) July 25, 2014
Anytime you see someone running in flip flops they're leaving the scene of a crime.
— Will Kane (@3rdand10) July 27, 2014