Better Idea

Posted on August 15, 2014 4:00 pm

The New York Times is considering the introduction of a truncated version of its daily print edition at a discounted rate.

So what’s their next desperate move? Bring back newsboys with tweed caps & knickers?

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6 Responses to “Better Idea”

  1. Oppo says:

    Truncated version? “Obama awesome; opponents racist. Poor oppressed and deserve money from middle class. Democrats smart / effective. Republicans = Mr. Burns & Monopoly guy.”

    There. Saved them lots of work.

    Oh, and: “Man- (not wman-)Made Global Warming Real; No One Questions It.”

  2. blarg says:

    I think the best way to increase sales for the NYT is to start producing a quilted 2-ply edition.

  3. Nucking Futs says:

    Just means you can wrap less fish with it…. pretty worthless.

  4. zzyzx says:

    All the fish that’s fit to wrap.

  5. zzyzx says:

    National Guard units seeking to confiscate a cache of recently banned assault weapons were ambushed by elements of a para-military extremist faction. Military and law enforcement sources estimate that 72 were killed and more than 200 injured before government forces were compelled to withdraw.

    Speaking after the clash, Massachusetts Governor Thomas Gage declared that the extremist faction, which was made up of local citizens, has links to the radical right-wing tax protest movement. Gage blamed the extremists for recent incidents of vandalism directed against internal revenue offices. The governor, who described the group’s organizers as “criminals,” issued an executive order authorizing the summary arrest of any individual who has interfered with the government’s efforts to secure law and order. The military raid on the extremist arsenal followed widespread refusal by the local citizenry to turn over recently outlawed assault weapons.

    Gage issued a ban on military-style assault weapons and ammunition earlier in the week. This decision followed a meeting early this month between government and military leaders at which the governor authorized the forcible confiscation of illegal arms.

    One government official, speaking on condition of anonymity, pointed out that “none of these people would have been killed had the extremists obeyed the law and turned over their weapons voluntarily.” Government troops initially succeeded in confiscating a large supply of outlawed weapons and ammunition.

    However, troops attempting to seize arms and ammunition in Lexington met with resistance from heavily armed extremists who had been tipped off regarding the government’s plans. During a tense standoff in Lexington’s town park, National Guard Colonel Francis Smith, commander of the government operation, ordered the armed group to surrender and return to their homes. The impasse was broken by a single shot, which was reportedly fired by one of the right-wing extremists. Eight civilians were killed in the ensuing exchange.

    Ironically, the local citizenry blamed government forces rather than the radical extremists for the civilian deaths. Before order could be restored, armed citizens from surrounding areas had descended upon the guard units. Colonel Smith, finding his forces over matched by the armed mob, ordered a retreat.

    Governor Gage has called upon citizens to support the state/national joint task force in its effort to restore law and order. The governor also demanded the surrender of those responsible for planning and leading the attack against the government troops. Samuel Adams, Paul Revere, and John Hancock, who have been identified as “ringleaders” of the extremist faction, remain at large.

    And this, people, is how the American Revolution began on April 19, 1775.

    (By Ed Schriber Col. USMC (Ret.) (It also is how today’s NY Times would cover the story. ~ zzyzx)

  6. walruskkkch says:

    I would have thought their lack of advertisers would have truncated them already.

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