(commercial for eggs) *places tiny backwards hat on an egg* Narrator: "Eggs"
— jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) August 16, 2014
"Let's name him after that sassy waitress from the diner where we met" -Val Kilmer's parents, probably
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) August 18, 2014
Patient coming out of 45-year coma: what's the latest news? Doctor: Nixon's talking about the race riots. Patient: put me back in the coma.
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) August 18, 2014
Although the Ferguson protests are painful now, just keep in mind that at the end of them, we will have perfect racial harmony.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) August 19, 2014
"I don't see race." -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
— Jerm Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) August 19, 2014